My HOCD story

Before I get into it feel free to comment on this thread if you want to talk or need advice. This will be kind of long so grab a snack and buckle up. First of all i’m a 14m who has never thought of myself as a “lady’s man.” Sure I’ve had crushes on girls and thought girls were pretty but that was about it. Never being attracted to the same sex in any way shape or form and never thought of myself as gay or anything like that. I was for the most part a pretty normal kid. But that all changed. It all started during thanksgiving break and I was just playing video games on my Xbox like I normally do and I guess I took a break to look on social media and I saw a attractive guy and my mind was like “dang he’s an attractive looking man” or something like that and my mind just went crazy. “Does this make me gay” “have I been gay all my life and is just now noticing” “what does this mean” was all that was on my mind and I was scared to death. After that I pretty much spent all day looking for answers and looking for reassurance on this but nothing helped. I was miserable to say the least. I would talk to my parents about it (preferably my dad since he gave me the answers I wanted to hear) and they would both reassure me and say something like “oh it’s just part of puberty you’ll get over it” or “it’s just a phase” but nothing seemed to work for more than a few minutes and I didn’t know what was going on and I was horrified that I might be gay. It got so bad that I was boarder line depressed and didn’t want to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was research what this was or look for reassurance and not do the things I used to like to do like play video games or play basketball. All that I could think of was “what if I’m gay” and it killed me inside. One day during one of my daily researching I went on google and searched “the fear of being gay” and the first thing that popped up was HOCD. I then searched it up further and realized that I matched almost all the symptoms and thought “this sound like me.” Of course my OCD was trying to deny it but I was sure this was what it was. From then on I watched HOCD videos on YouTube and every video I watched, the more it related to me. Now the thoughts are kind of off and on. Don’t get me wrong there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t had thoughts but there’s days or weeks even that the thought don’t bother me that much. But there are days where it’s terrible. I’m still struggling with it to this day and if you can relate to this at all please comment. Here are some of my most common thoughts: “What if you’re gay?” (Most common) “What if you’ve always been gay and are just now finding out” “What if you are not really attracted to girls” “What if you want to have s*x with a man” “What if you enjoy the thoughts” “What if your parents think your gay and aren’t telling you” “What if your attracted to your friend” Those are just a few of them and I think you see a trend with the “what ifs” but yeah your not alone in this battle. We are in this together.

Sexual Orientation OCD

OCDwontownme

Date posted: 2y

Just a heads up, it can change from what ifs, but don't be alarmed. You can usually tell when it's hocd.

GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I can totally relate, I was 13/14 y/o when I first had that same fear hit me but similarly never had a same sex attraction that I could ever remember. I know the moment that fear hit me but still haven’t figured out what triggered it. It didn’t consume me and become really problematic till 20 years later after getting married and having two kids which OCD jumped all over since it goes after our biggest fears and things and ppl we love the most. It also added on a couple new themes for good measure. I had other OCD symptoms when I was young as well like “just right”/symmetry.

GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

That said, that share is not meant to be a form of reassurance since everything is case by case!!

maya_hockey1728

Date posted: 25w

I need help

So basically, I don’t know when this started, but basically whenever I look at a girl, a girl on a phone screen, or even a cartoon that’s a girl, I have this weird tendency that I like them, even though I’m straight. And though I am fairly young (still a teen), I’m positive that I’m straight, but my mind is giving me these weird feelings and signals that I’m not. And disclaimer, I do not have a problem with people with other kinds of sexualities, but I am feared for my life about this. I’ve honestly been keeping these tough emotions and feelings in me for days now. I don’t want to tell my mom because I don’t want her to think bad of me, and we also live in a Catholic household, so the thought of having a different sexuality is a lot on us. I’ve done some of my research, and since I’ve had many different types of OCD for quite some time, I’ve come to the conclusion that apparently I have SO-OCD or HOCD (basically the same thing.) I don’t know if this is true or not. But some other websites have told me that it’s just a part of being a teenager and growing up, and finding what love interest suits you the most, but I honestly have no pleasure with this whatsoever! I constantly think about, “oh, what if you like this girl right there?” Every time I walk past a girl, and sometimes my mind agrees with it, but deep down I don’t want this. And even sometimes, when I’m watching a video, or looking at boys in real life, looking at boy cartoon characters, most of the time, my mind tells me, “this boy is cute. I am attracted to him.” But other times, I completely disagree with that statement. Same with girls, so I don’t know. And also my mind tells me, or something in me tells me that the guys at school that I like, I don’t like them anymore, and instead I look at the girls, in which I know that I’m not attracted to, so it’s just a continuous cycle like that and I don’t know how to stop it. Someone please help because I don’t really know how to explain this, it’s just tough on me.

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 21w

My experience with SO-OCD

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

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