It feels too real to not be real..

I just feel like I’m gay/bi at this point. I feel completely neutered — I don’t even find males attractive anymore. I don’t get the butterflies or the excitement I used to when I would imagine myself marrying a man or even just by seeing an attractive man. Every female I see I feel anxious and fear I am attracted to them. I feel like my past relationships or crushes were all fake. I try to tell myself that I am gay or bi but I don’t feel anything, not even anxiety anymore.. I don’t even know myself anymore… this theme of ocd is impacting almost everything about myself. Like I won’t even wear GREEN because I’m convinced it’s a “lesbian color” … insane

Sexual Orientation OCD

PumpkinFrapp

Date posted: 2y

Omg are you me? Because I literally told my therapist about how I got intrusive thoughts telling me that I couldn’t wear a green jacket because I thought it was a lesbian stereotype. This theme is absolutely devastating. I even read my diary from middle school as a compulsion because I wanted to remember what I was like when I was so madly infatuated with boys. But even then I keep questioning whether those feelings were just me not knowing any better.

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@CaramelFrapp Ugh yes ! And green used to be my favorite color but now my ocd says It’s a lesbian color so I avoid it at all costs 😩 I’ve even went as far back as reading old messages, from 5-6 years ago… just for some proof.. I know if I kept a diary at a young age I’d do the same too!!

PumpkinFrapp

Date posted: 2y

@Mia Mia Wearing green again could be a good ERP for you then 🙂

kat.kq

Date posted: 2y

Sweetie this is me too! What I do at this point is live in the moment. I have rocd as well with soocd and I a lot of the time I over analyze every aspect of my relationship with my boyfriend but my therapist taught me was to live in the moment. Once you don’t give ocd the power of anxiety anymore, it starts losing it grip. Give yourself sometime to come back to earth. I’ve been dealing with this theme for about 7 years and it comes and goes in waves. As a woman, it is okay to find other women attractive. All women have and experience same sex attraction, it is normal as a woman to view another in that way. However, there’s a line between sex and bond. If you want a relationship with a woman, that’s different. But if you don’t, then it’s just the over analyzing

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@kat.kq Aww thank you for that! This theme is so debilitating… I feel like I’ve lost everything ! I know nothing about myself anymore. I feel like I don’t even want a relationship with a man anymore, and if I ask myself “do I want to be with a girl” I don’t know what to say!! But the thing is I don’t want to date a girl!!! Then my brain says “what if you do?” Ughhh !!

kat.kq

Date posted: 2y

@Mia Mia And that’s normal hun! So many people go through their life bicurious and even wanting to, however still maintain healthy heterosexual relationships. Just remember sexuality is a spectrum and it changes all the time! Just go day by day!

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@kat.kq But the thought of even being bi makes me want to cry. I don’t want to like girls, I never have

kat.kq

Date posted: 2y

@Mia Mia Ik sweetie me either but the more you push away, the more it’s going to become a reoccurrence. What helps me is letting it, not fighting it. Just enjoy your life. Because for me, the more I fought it, the more I got the thoughts and anxiety. Just let the thoughts flow, whether they’re intrusive or not. Sex and attraction is natural. Just breathe, it’ll all be okay!

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@kat.kq I just feel awful. I’ve had this theme for three years and in the beginning, if I were to ask myself as a compulsion “do you want to be with a woman” I always felt disgust.. now after three years I don’t know if I’m desensitized to that question now because I’ve asked myself that question everyday for three years straight but I don’t feel any anxiety or disgust. It’s like I don’t even know how to answer that question. I’m sorry for ranting I’m just so distraught today …

kat.kq

Date posted: 2y

@Mia Mia I’ve had this theme for almost a decade and compulsion like that make it more real Trust me, when it was bad I would take gay test and look up coming out stories and stuff like that As compulsions and reassurance, but that only last so long Like I I said, bring your down and live in the moment

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@kat.kq Thank you🥺

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

mattis!

Date posted: 16w

Feels so real

I don’t know if it’s SOOCD. I no longer feel anxious in the moment when I think about women, and it’s like my imagination wants me to think about it and get aroused. I don’t want to be gay, but maybe I am after all. In my life I haven’t been so sexually driven before (when I was living with a man, or when being single) but now all I can think about is having sex with a woman. I don’t want to, but somehow my body does and it feels like my mind have changed to accept it to.. feel so sad This all started around 4 weeks ago..

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It feels too real to not be real..

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