My SOOCD journey.

Hi everyone i’m currently really struggling and wanted to write a shortened story of my journey. I was 14 (now 17) when the “what if I was gay” thought popped up and stuck me like lighting. Ever since then I have never been the same. Before this I experienced no attraction to women, never liked one, never acknowledged a women in that way… basically absolutely nothing! I had boy crushes and found them attractive. Simples. Anyway the thought latched to a past event which was minor and made my anxiety spike like never before. I was checking if I liked girls all the time when in reality I knew I didn’t. If I felt the slightest feeling in my stomach or whatever it sent me into a crying fit. Bach then it was much much worse than now however because it’s been 3 years with no treatment it has almost automatic. I spent days ruminating, checking, crying and reassuring. Not realising what I was truly going through. I had my first groinal and even arousal over a some women dancing on tik tok. I was stressed, panicked and anxious at this point my heart racing adding to the arousal. This was my lowest point it was almost confirmation I liked girls. But deep down in my bones that wasn’t the conclusion for me. I tried accepting but felt there was nothing to accept because I dont like girls. However over the years the intrusive feelings have gotten more real and it felt like I actually liked this girl. But if i was truly gay I wouldn’t feel such disgust, discomfort, sheer sadness, and uncomfortable if this was me! I found a way to conquer the thoughts AT TIMES by accepting them almost falsely agreeing. It showed me there wasn’t really a threat and I didn’t actually feel that way. This was even before I found out about SOOCD. Anyway I’m still experiencing thoughts and frightening feelings but I’m trying to take it day by day… trying my best to accept the uncertainty. I was doing so good but yesterday I took a turn. It feels almost stupid to talk about because i know the answer which is I don’t like girls. But then these intrusive thoughts feelings and sensations come in and catch me. So if anyone is experiencing anything like this it would be more than appreciated if we could chat because right now I just want to feel less alone and more hopeful. Thank you 💓

Sexual Orientation OCD

🅱️!

Date posted: 2y

hey!! my whole experience is very common to yours. mine started almost the same way with a simple thought. i was going to my senior prom alone and thought to myself that morning “what if people think im a lesbian” and then off it went. it turned into “what if i am a lesbian” and has just grown and grown. i know all too well what you mean about knowing in your bones that this isn’t you. i too have good days , bad days , and even good weeks where i will almost think that it was silly of me to have these thoughts ever at all. the intrusive thoughts, for me, have always latched on to certain people and it almost seems as if it’s all the nice girls i meet that in my past i would have wanted to be friends with . it’s currently attaching to one friend and it is so horrid because we used to be so close. everyday i struggle with the “is it ocd or is it me” question . you are so not alone!!!

Noodles123

Date posted: 2y

@🅱️! Thank you so much for responding! Do you ever experience feelings for these girls because i’ve felt this like i ‘like them’ when i’m ruminating or something and it’s horrible!!

🅱️!

Date posted: 2y

@Noodles123 i would call them intrusive feelings , and not my feelings. i love my boyfriend & i know what i want , but yes i do experience intrusive feelings. usually i feel like they start with “what if “ and then turn into more of statements like you said.

Noodles123

Date posted: 2y

@🅱️! Yes i meant intrusive feelings too because they totally feel so out of place! Can your intrusive feelings almost be automatic sometimes because I almost feel my brain switching them on. Like it realises oh you have OCD let me just twist what your really think/feel right now.

🅱️!

Date posted: 2y

@Noodles123 i feel like all of my intrusive thoughts , feelings, and the mental checking is all automatic because i don’t want any of it .

Noodles123

Date posted: 2y

@🅱️! Yes okay same! Because i’ve seen some people say the feelings are brought on by the thoughts and i’m like yes but sometimes it’s felt automatic and that scares me! This may be a a bit TMI and it’s totally okay if you don’t want to answer but have you experienced groinal responses. Also sorry if i’m asking a bit much questions i haven’t talked to anyone with the same theme as me ever so it’s nice to relate to someone!

🅱️!

Date posted: 2y

@Noodles123 unfortunately yes. it’s all so horrifying to me. i’ve felt like i’ve been trapped outside of myself every since this started. it’s almost crazy to look at pictures of myself from before this because i’m jealous of the me that was free of these thoughts! no need to apologize! it’s nice to talk to someone who fully understands !

Noodles123

Date posted: 2y

@🅱️! Yes omg same! I was looking at my younger self thinking what did I even think about back then because this has literally consumed me! I’m going to the beyoncé concert this weekend and i’m praying my OCD doesn’t spiral and ruin my time! Ive been practicing less compulsions lately. For me I will mentally review and check my feelings towards thoughts, situations and whatever else then if i feel nothing in reassured. So i’m just getting out of this bad habit. Do you do any compulsions or what does your rumination thoughts consist of. I’m just always mentally analysing and it’s tiring! Thanks so much for continuing to respond!!

🅱️!

Date posted: 2y

@Noodles123 mentally analyzing!! it’s almost like checking if i like something , but it almost feels like something i can’t control. if a female around me is wearing like a low cut too for instance i will catch myself checking or if i get on tik tok (that app has done nothing but made it worse) i will catch myself analyzing and checking, as well as if someone is just pretty. this analyzing has always bothered me a lot , especially when it attaches to my friends like i said. i’ve always wanted ti be with men and have always been attracted to them, but i never “analyzed” them like this and j think that confusion of why (even tho i know it’s the ocd) scares me the most.

Noodles123

Date posted: 2y

@🅱️! So relatable! Liking men comes so naturally and feels so comforting. But this un-natural almost forced searching for reasons and reassurance is so horrid. And when an intrusive feeling pops in then i’m done for and my stress levels rise immediately. It’s also crazy because when you feel better for like a couple days it’s like I never had OCD in the first place. I look at a pretty female and think nothing/ feel nothing then on a bad day it’s like “do i think she’s attractive” and “what about ….scenario”. Honestly it’s deathly. I sometimes just like to watch movies that have my fav male celebs in just to feel real and true attraction LOL! My OCD once attached to a friend and thankfully it’s gone now but OMG WORST EXPERIENCE EVER. I felt so uncomfortable having those thoughts I felt like I was almost manifesting these unwanted feelings. It was a shit show. Praying we get through this!!

LittleMissFo...

Date posted: 12w

Hi you may not see this but I'm feeling a bit worried and embarrassed about going to prom alone as a teen girl. Did you still have fun and were there other people who went alone?

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 25w

People with SO-OCD please view🙏🏼

So my ocd theme changed to sexual orientation ocd last December after I heard a popular video "hi, I'm Gibby" and I went like the Gibby sounds like "gay", then I started saying the phrase and over days, I started getting intrusive thoughts "I'm gay" .(I have had other ocd themes: (magical thinking ocd, symmetry ocd, health concern ocd, religious and spirituality ocd and harm ocd ever since I was 12, they just come and go)....I struggle with other conditions(ASD and bipolar disorder). I have never struggled with sexuality or questioned it because I have only liked males right from when I was in grade 1🥲...I still like them. SO-OCD is very frustrating because deep down I know I'm straight and there's no evidence I'm not but the intrusive thoughts and compulsions to get relief (the cycle) won't stop. I'm on fluoxetine(Prozac) and it did help my symptoms but lately I realised I'm more consumed with compulsions and idk but I think it's reducing the effects of the drugs?.. I see an attractive female and my mind goes like you found her attractive you must be gay or I want to go out and do sumn"what if you discover you like them or are gay" ...idk it's frustrating, very and I'm tired. I don't even get turned on by same sex or any😭that what even makes it more confusing.+ It's almost like I'm now hypervigilant when Watching videos or Instagram reels...it making me forget that finding someone physically attractive≠sexual attraction...idk if anyone gets me...(Rn my ocd themes are SO-OCD and religious and spirituality ocd) SO-OCD is frustrating, I'm tireddd...how can I never have struggled with sexuality for almost a decade and half but I'm having it now(it's started two months ago)...who has had/have this theme??

wewillgetthr...

Date posted: 22w

My experience with SO-OCD

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Sexual Orientation OCD

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 13w

Let's Chat?!

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

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