Sharing my journey with ROCD

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

Hi everyone — just reaching out for a bit of support, perspective, and maybe some guidance. I was in a relationship with someone who had untreated ROCD, and I’m trying to process it all now that we’re apart. I’ve written my experience below, not to vent, but to better understand what happened and how to handle it with compassion (for both of us). I was in a relationship with someone who struggled deeply with OCD and ROCD, though they weren’t in treatment at the time. From the outside, things looked fine. But behind closed doors, I witnessed spirals, dissociation, identity shifts, panic, and emotional instability that few people ever saw. We both knew about the disorder. It wasn’t hidden. They even spoke about ROCD through awareness posts online. We knew what it was — we named it together — but knowing wasn’t enough to stop it. And unfortunately, the people around them didn’t fully understand OCD, ROCD, or just how powerful and persuasive this disorder can be. There was real love between us. Deep, honest, complicated love. And a connection that existed long before we ever became a couple — a connection I still believe in. But fear and doubt — the kind only OCD can generate — made everything feel unsafe. The anxiety got so loud that eventually, breaking up felt like the only option. Despite OCD or not, I’ve respected their decision and given them the space I know they needed and were entitled to. They shared a lot with me — things I won’t repeat here, because they’re theirs. But they were raw. Honest. Human. I was the one who sat through the “I don’t know” spirals. The doubts over feelings, attraction, and more. I was their rock — the one who understood. And they told me that, more than once. Now I’m sitting in the quiet. I’m seeing the avoidance play out: the nights out, the thriving energy, maybe even someone new. It’s hard — hard to witness such a visible shift in someone I was once so close to. But I’ve also seen the cracks. The internal conflict starting to show again. I know how this pattern works. I’ve lived it, too. The relief never lasts forever. Eventually, when it fades, the absence lingers longer. And when it does, OCD doesn’t stay silent for long — it latches onto the very things you tried to run from and reshapes itself. I know that if I reach out too soon — or say the wrong thing at the wrong time — I might push them even deeper into avoidance. Deeper into the version of themselves for now. So I’m careful. That’s why even this post is written with thought. Because I care. I really care. And in the meantime, I’m working on myself — even if part of me still wants to fight for something that felt real. But I also know I can’t fight alone. I’m not shutting the door — just stepping into another room for now. A room where I can grow and heal. But the door is still open. I’d appreciate any guidance or advice on how to approach this in the kindest, most thoughtful way — with as little hurt for either of us as possible. Thank you all so much and I wish all of you are keeping well. Lots of love ❤️

I wanted to talk about my experiences with rOCD since I currently do still suffer from it but I know if I talked about them. My thoughts are just gonna get stronger, but I’ll do it for the sake of talking about my experiences to others who feel like they’re alone. I have a very loving relationship actually my first healthy relationship we are currently still dating one year and six months. I would say these intrusive thoughts started to happen once I hit the one year mark with him. Nothing in the relationship has made me think these thoughts, but it just came. Like when my mind tried to make me think I liked another guy other than my boyfriend and that I was losing feelings for him. I started to panic because I knew that my heart belonged to my boyfriend and having thoughts that were against that belief it made me really anxious cause I never had those thoughts before. I was in and out of the care center at my school constantly having anxiety attacks, and it was affecting me day by day. I talk to my boyfriend about it because my mind can never keep secrets from him because then I would feel like that I’m lying to him… my mind just kinda works that way and I believe it’s due to the situation I have with rOCD. Luckily, he was really supportive.. in thoughts I’ve had was what if I don’t like him anymore or if he doesn’t do this does that mean he likes me or if he’s even the one just a lot of doubts about me and him in the relationship. And for anyone who’s experiencing stuff familiar to this you are not alone invalid only what you believe is what is true. And I know it’s gonna be hard to know what’s true or not because these thoughts that you have versus what’s in your heart you get confused but if you know that you love that person then that’s what true. Also, the only reason why it affected me a lot was because I kept trying to solve it and the only solution is to let those thoughts in and accept that you have those thoughts. I don’t mean as an accept that these thoughts are true, but accepts that those are the thoughts that you’re thinking because if you keep on trying to find a solution to remove them, it only just get worse.