POCD real event guilt and shame 18+

Please, this isn't for anyone under 18, don't read. At the beginning of 2021 I remember I was still relatively new with OCD and just like now I was struggling with my porn addiction back then but it was a one of the first moments where I knew I had a problem with it. I was looking for porn that focused on my fetish with I'm not bothered by but I wanted something more from it and escalated by searching for something taboo with it included. I don't know why but I typed "lil sis" for it and I'm assuming the main focus for it was incest taboo which still makes me sick either way. After finishing I just closed the tabs and ended up crying so hard because it feels like the addiction completely took over and changed me and it made me a terrible person from there on out. I'm remembering this moment from two years ago and I'm remembering all of the other regrettable, horrible videos I've had no problem seeing through escalation and it's making me very depressed, in physical pain, and no motivation to do anything. All I've been doing to pass the time this week is looking through forums to see if anyone is trying to get through similar things. I've found posts that helped but it didn't help in the long run as I'm still doing the searching. I just feel disgusting. I know that this addiction is messing up my life and I can't even move past this because now my intrusive thoughts are saying I'm a complete pedophile for this and that it wasn't POCD since i acted on this even though I don't believe that was the reason. For the record, I didn't find anything bad while searching that. I didn't even really watch a full video. Porn just continues to make me feel like an absolute terrible human being. Whether it's not knowing the age of women in it, women looking younger than I want them to be, making sure that they're adults by either actively searching with "adult woman" in the titles or them being a lot more older than I am, ruminating about the bad things I've seen with cartoons, anime, and unfortunately real videos of other teens that were not meant to be pornographic when I was a young teen, I just hate myself so much for going through with this. I can't get over it. I just want to get help physically and mentally but I can't ever bring myself to speak up about this to my parent.

paulinacoffin

Date posted: 2y

please know you’re not alone. the struggle is real with this sort of stuff, and i guarantee that everything you’re going through has been experienced by another person with ocd. this is exactly the nature of the disorder, and i know how painful it can be. i totally recommend getting an ERP therapist if you can find one and working with them. it’s super helpful. you deserve love, you are not a bad person, you’re a person with ocd and you deserve help. you are awesome, and i wish you luck on your journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I hate going through this and I hate recalling the past and the future with such bad visions and intrusive thoughts. I just want my life back and it's been like this for 3 years. I wanna try telling my mom about this but it's just hard to get that out because it's hard to understand and she won't understand right away. But I know I'll have her support at least. I just hope that ERP is as helpful as people make it out to be.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

There are other people that have gone through similar situations and to me slightly worse situations but I feel like mine is irredeemable, but they've probably felt the exact same.

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

isharemycigs

Date posted: 20w

What do I do

when I was 15 soon to turn 16, I met this girl in a IG group chat made by our mutual friends. We started talking and eventually we started flirting and talking sexual towards each other, though eventually we stopped talking because she was being really weird. A couple months later In July of 2024 my friend found out that she was actually 13 and that she lied to me about her age. It's been 10 months since l've found out and I still feel so disgusted in myself. I had my suspicions at the time but I let them go since she said she was 16 turning 17. I was completely oblivious trusting someone I only knew online especially since i've never seen their face either. i'm struggling on what to do since i've been suffering with POCD since I was 15. Till this day I still feel weird and disgusted in myself because of that. But it feels ironic since i'm sexualizing someone that's 2 years younger than me and I waited to confirm she was around my age range to sexualize her. I feel so weird and guilty about it idk what to do

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POCD real event guilt and shame 18+

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