BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I don't know if I can keep going like this

I'm really afraid that one day my traumatizing exposure to adult content is going to ruin my life. I'm already convinced that it has because of how addicted I became and how it escalated. I was never worried about the things I worry about now before being exposed to this. I seriously feel like this stuff has messed up my life and it kept me from growing out of my teens normally. I have very low self esteem, low self confidence and respect, and I'm constantly worried and depressed about the past. It's so dark and it's disgusting and I can't do anything about it now. Very few people know about how I'm suffering with this but they don't know the details. I know I'm not what my OCD tells me I am and I know that porn has fucked up my mind and my well being but I also fear that these actions are going to mess things up for me in the future

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Have you gotten a therapist on here? they’re really worth it. posting on here will only give reassurance, exactly what you don’t need, which i’m starting to learn myself.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I'm still working on that. I know they can help me, but telling my family is the hard part.

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 I don’t know that you need to do it in that order. unless you need their financial support. you can start by just saying you think you have ocd and need therapy.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing I'm just trying to tell them about intrusive thoughts, how they make me feel, how I feel I need to do compulsions to get rid of it, physical compulsions, and maybe show them a video. I want them to know but access to therapy comes from them

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 i see. why is that difficult to tell them if i might ask? i don’t think you need to go into specifics.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing Overthinking that they won't fully understand. Which I mean, I know they won't understand but I think it's also the part where they will worry about me extensively. I guess it's the part where I break the silence on what I've been going through without any of them knowing about it. On the other hand, this has been going on since 2020

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 i think they might understand more than you think. it’s okay for them to worry a little bit. i promise they won’t be suffering like you are now.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing Yeah that's true. Maybe I just have to suck it up and tell them even if there's pressure? By the way how old are you? I would assume you're older than I am

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m 30

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

there will always be pressure, holding it in just makes it harder

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been struggling with OCD? Did you eventually get a specialist to help you out? Yeah, I eventually have to do this whether there's pressure or not. I just want to let them know what it is I'm dealing with and how I can get therapy. Then I plan to tell my therapist everything from the porn addiction trauma to the thoughts, the anxiety, the mental and physical compulsions, etc.

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Since I was in 5th grade or so. Went to a specialist two hours away for several years because he was the only one around. It subsided for about ten years or so, just came back this month.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

How did it come back? Did you think that was the end of it when you got the therapy at the time?

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 It kind of just decreased in intensity until I didn’t feel it anymore. I think it was still there, just not in any way that was terribly obvious. I believe it came back because I had several personal setbacks combined with loneliness. I was laid off at work, then a big project I was working on kind of stalled, and I haven’t been able to find any work.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing Sorry that you've been dealing with loneliness and struggling with work. What do you think keeps you alone? I hope you find a job soon.

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Thanks, I appreciate that. I’m beginning to think it’s OCD as well. I have no problem talking to people but it’s very difficult for me to initiate contact because I feel like a burden or like I haven’t done enough work for the day, or just feeling exhausted by other people or my own thoughts.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing That's definitely the OCD talking and not you, man. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Hell, you've been dealing with this disorder since childhood. It always depresses me to hear that little life have gone/are going through obsessive compulsive disorder.

FearAndLoathing

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Thanks, I appreciate it. It does get better with treatment.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@FearAndLoathing Definitely. As long as we've got it, we can do this!

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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