- Date posted
- 2y
Hi. I need contamination fear help
I haven’t been in here for a while. Thought to use this again. I have now 12 diagnoses and after so many therapists, specialists, doctors/psychologists/psychiatrists etc the ones that I have a hard time stopping the compulsions for (checking mainly) is due to PTSD. It is trauma response. Some of my OCD compulsions are better and some came back worse like dream journaling. I can’t enjoy anything I love because it becomes my source of obsession or anxiety. I got rid of one compulsion but then have something new. I know I’m going to forget something and that’s still my fear. My insomnia is better at times and I’m not on meds. I’m trying to get into a residential or an IOP but I’m getting denied and regular therapists are denying to see me because of my severity. A while back I had severe contamination fear where it took me 8hrs to clean a bathroom and 3hrs to shower. And I would shower after using the bathroom every time. I would use Lysol wipes on my body. I was scared of my own bodily fluids like my tears. So after being exhausted from doing compulsions and not remembering and having to redo I would cry and that in itself was my fear. After working intensively with a specialist I got it under control though now I need to shower before and after I go out. I’m scared that what I had to do to function and survive back then would come back to haunt me only because it was due to trauma. I’m scared people would judge me and ridicule and call me crazy without understanding why. I don’t think it’s any of their business to know and it’s my private life. No one wants their private life to be exposed. I left where I was because my roommate was disgusting. He was found unconscious actually because he wouldn’t clean up after the cats and himself, flues all over and let the cats relieve themselves on and under his bed. He deceived me about the place and so I had to leave. I stayed with my friend for a while and found another place. One of my roommates is a total sweetheart. It’s like living at the sanctuary again. The other is horrible. She’s almost 50 and doesn’t wash her hands after using the toilet and then touches things. One of the cats here is immuno-compromised and has kidney disease. She doesn’t care. She is a hypocrite because she’s always talking about being considerate to others. One day one of my cats went up to her and rubbed his eyes, cheek, mouth, body all over her legs and hand. She just came out of the bathroom. She picked him up and brought him to me. She doesn’t see that she is a walking germ spreader. I couldn’t wash him with soap and water-hates it so much he scratched me. He groomed himself and so did my other cat. Now my anxiety is sky high. It was already bad where I am spraying myself with a disinfectant (safe for people and animals and yes I made sure many times with the manufacturer and many different vets and vet techs). I don’t even feel clean after doing laundry and showering. All the hard work I’ve put into was for nothing. I’m not taking showers every bathroom though I limit to using it twice a day. And I’m not using Lysol wipes because of my cats. Plus it made me bleed. Im scared to touch anything she touched so I’d clean and keep my room clean but now that she touched my cat… and yes both of my cats stay in my room. He ran out. I don’t know how to stop this compulsion. The vets and vet techs (I’ve spoken to at least 10 different people) all said cats getting sick from people is a very low risk. Highly unlikely but like any contamination fear and asking your doctor, it’s still not good enough. I’m really scared that they will get sick due to my negligence and have to see them suffer and the treatment would cost so much I can’t afford them. I bottle fed one and the other adopted from being abandoned again. They are my emotional support animals and don’t want them to suffer. They are my lifeline and keeping me in check. I’m paranoid about people and scared that off I can’t care for them due to my health or being gone that someone would take them and they would abuse or neglect or not take both or days are numbered. I’m too attached to them and I want them with me for a long time. I know the inevitable will come but not in the near future. And for this I do not want to gamble or risk their health. But what if I’m making their life worse but they don’t have a say or choice in the matter because they don’t know any better and possibly a better life. I luckily have some resources for veterinary care but still not everything is affordable. And better sage than sorry. I’m thinking of getting insurance for them. When children get sick parents don’t hesitate to go to the dr because their health is more important and not money. I want that for my cats too. I wrote a lot and I know I’ve forgotten some stuff. That alone is making me anxious. She actually used the bathroom as I typed this and she just came out. She flushed and opened the door right away. Did not hear any water from the sink. If something is confusing please ask. Why do people think that’s acceptable. Then again why do people wear shoes inside the house. But seriously she is so gross and I’m stuck here. Can’t even go out because she threatened to harm my cats and likely she would given how she’s crazy. I’m their first line of defense and I have no where to go. Oh and I’m sick too.