Cheating ROCD

Hi everyone. I’m just wondering if anyone experienced something similar. And I want to know how everyone here manages their intrusive thoughts. Recently I kept having intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend cheating on me. Even the smallest things would trigger me. E.g. if he brings his phone to the bathroom, if he gets a text notification from a female… or if he didn’t text me back at night, I’ll have the immediate reaction of “is he with someone else? Is he cheating? What is he doing? Should I ask him?” Sometimes he doesn’t have to do anything and the intrusive image of him on a date with another girl will just randomly pop up in my head. It’s so sad because I feel like OCD is ruining my time with him AND also how I look at him - on bad days, I look at him as a cheater but on good days when my anxiety isn’t that bad, I know I can trust him as he shows me that he loves me and is even understanding and patient about what I’m going through. I also realized I’ve been nitpicking everything. For example if he says “oh I did ____ a month ago ” and then turns out it was 2 months ago, I immediately hear alarm bells going off in my head and have the thought of “he’s lying! He could be lying about other things and he’s a cheater!” Right now I’m trying my best to sit with uncertainty and not ask for reassurance whenever something triggers me. Like for example last night I texted him at 11pm and he did not reply and right now I’m ruminating on what he was doing and even feel the strong urge to just ask him. But I’m just letting my thoughts just be there. I guess my biggest fear is, not really that my boyfriend cheats, but more of, if my boyfriend whom I know is the sincerest man I know, ever cheats on me, I can never trust anyone else and I can never date again. My question is, how do you manage these scary intrusive thoughts and images? Are these even OCD/intrusive thoughts? Anyone here experiencing something similar? Also, when your partner does something that triggers you, how do you distinguish between an OCD trigger and a “normal” relationship concern? It’ll also be great if you can share tips on how to communicate to your partner about ROCD too! Thank you for reading.

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Hi Yuko, I can totally relate to this. I usually try to take a step back and look at all the good things he has done for me and evaluate if he is really a trickster or not ( try to think of the times he has proved to be my rock and been loyal) i try to disprove the thought in my head if it’s an OCD trigger, I usually will be able to think of proof to disprove the thought. I also sent him an article on ROCD just to make him aware that this condition is why I indulge in certain behaviors or try to make a small issue into a big issue. *In my opinion*, a normal relationship trigger is usually something that is real and have proof for - something like him texting an ex or lying to your face about big things. And, an OCD trigger is something you often can’t establish proof for. I hope that helps. Again, this is just my two cents on ROCD. Wishing you well <3

cloudsandcra...

Date posted: 2y

This was so well spoken; I'm taking this advice myself. Thank you and OP!

Yuko

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Thank you so much for your advice! To think of proofs that he is loving and loyal to debunk my OCD thoughts… by the way, do you have any examples on what kind of proofs did you find that proves he is loyal? (Some I can think of are that, he said he has never cheated in previous relationships before… he doesn’t contact his exes…etc.)

Eleanor0212

Date posted: 14w

@Anonymous I know you wrote this a year ago but I cannot tell you how helpful this is for me and how I’m feeling right now!

cloudsandcra...

Date posted: 2y

Well, I've been cheated on, so my ROCD really likes to play games with me too. I'm in a new relationship now, and he is the sweetest, most consistent, most honest man I've met so far. He's a big green flag and I feel so lucky. But we're long distance, and so the excitement and heart-eyes of the relationship take the OCD swing into "but what is he doing behind your back?". My best advice- evaluate whether the thought is intrusive or substantiated. If you can falsify it with his previous actions ("he has not cheated before, he has not lied before, he is upfront about other topics", etc) then its probably OCD. Don't magnify the obsession, and don't compulsively ruminate or over-communicate (speaking from experience). Remember that even IF it is true, accept the uncertainty until you find out it IS true or until there is strong evidence that its a real concern.

Yuko

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@cloudsandcrayons Thank you so much! “Even if it is true, accept the uncertainty until you find out” that is so true and thank you. One question though, what do you mean by over-communicate?

cloudsandcra...

Date posted: 2y

@Yuko Personally, when I feel like my bf is too distant or whatever, I'll panic and start calling or texting much more frequently than I normally would. Basically "if he is talking to me, then its reassurance that he's not talking to someone else". This is compulsive and not helpful. And often will lead to confessing the unfounded suspicions, which over time will be pretty draining on even the most patient partners. Its always better to wait until the panic subsides, evaluate whether it was a real concern, and IF it needs to be brought up then it can be communicated calmly

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 19w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

Jpais28

Date posted: 10w

ROCD advice help for supporting partner

I am at a very difficult spot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and I have a history of cheating that for years we’ve been trying to work through. To me, it makes a lot of sense that my OCD has attached itself to this and for the last few years I’ve experienced intrusive sexual thoughts of others and relationship ocd. I have been open to him about the content of my thoughts and now, with a proper diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, I am able to reframe them and work through them with ERP so that my brain will *hopefully* get bored and stop sending them. But, things have not been easy. As a result of this and everything in our past, he has become anxious about all the scenarios where I could be having sexualized thoughts about other people. To him, if I am thinking something utterly different than what I am telling him or acting like to him, he can’t fully trust it. And of course, I can imagine how difficult it is to know your life partner is sexualizing others in her brain and to be able find a way to dismiss them as unthreatening, especially when past mistakes say otherwise. Is there anyone that has gone through this with a partner? And other than repeatedly explaining the egodystonic nature of my thoughts and providing reassurance, what are some things you did that helped them? Any advice helps! Thank you

marryyyy

Date posted: 5w

is this ocd??

Hi everyone, I’ve already been diagnosed with OCD, and I strongly suspect that I’ve developed a ROCD pattern. I wanted to share a specific situation that just won’t leave me alone – even though it’s objectively been cleared up. I’m in a relationship with a man who is, by nature, a very transparent, honest, and loyal person. Rationally, I know I can trust him. Recently, he got a phone call while I was with him. I asked him to check who it was. He hesitated briefly and then checked kind of slowly – the number wasn’t saved. To me, the whole thing just felt a bit strange. It didn’t seem like “open behavior,” even though he told me afterward that he simply didn’t have the energy to deal with it, since he had generally had a bad day. The problem is: Even after this explanation – which makes sense – the thoughts won’t go away. I keep replaying the situation in my head, analyzing his reaction, wondering if that hesitation meant something – even though I know he didn’t do anything wrong. I feel like I need to bring it up again to feel at ease. But I also know that would only bring temporary relief, and then the cycle would start all over again. It feels just like other OCD loops – only this time, it’s centered around my relationship. Have any of you experienced something like this? How do you stop yourself from falling into the reassurance trap over and over again? I don’t want to overwhelm or hurt my partner unnecessarily – I just want to learn how to manage this inner tension better. did it sound like ocd?? Rocd?? Thanks for reading. It really helps to know I’m not alone. (edited)

Relationship OCD

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