- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Good for you. Keep it up. Just remember not to do mental compulsion whilst doing ERP. You'll be doing great in no time!! ?
bro i have pocd too and this thread really helped me especially you fernando!! thank you all so much keep fighting
I think that’s been my biggest challenge so far though. I genuinely can’t tell when I’m doing mental compulsions most of the time cause they just don’t appear as obvious as the physical ones. I know ruminating and arguing against the thoughts is something I notice a lot. I do tend to try to rationalize everything when the anxiety gets bad so I think that might be a compulsion as well
Dear Koko - You are not crazy, you are not a pervert, you mean no harm. You have OCD - it means you are obsessed with a theme and hyper-vigilant. Please don't worry for any legalities any more but stop doing compulsions. It sounds like you don't know what your mental and physical compulsions are. It sounds like you are in deep need of an OCD specialist. I think you are still in time to cut all of this cold turkey for good. Yes, you will feel miserable for a while still, yes you will feel guilty(feelings are not facts). But in a couple of weeks the obsession will go if you stop now. Zero mental checking, zero rumination, zero researching. You actually do have control over your behaviour. If you don't stop this right now your OCD will grow exponentially until it is completely unmanageable and destroys your life.
Thank you FernandoV. I really hate this checking, I really do. And yet here I am ironically enough doing them. I think it’s because I get that huge sense of relief when nothing bad shows up like “phew I guess I was just imagining things!” But I know this will just make OCD want more and more. That’s why I resisted for a good four days. I’m at least proud of that. Gotta look on the bright side. I am currently waiting to get assessed so I can get right treatment. It’s very difficult to do this all on my own. And that’s what scares me. But talking about this with others who suffer from the same theme does help a little. It gives me just a little bit more strength. Thank you.
Just to update on my matter, I’ve gone for six days without doing this checking compulsion. Anxiety has decreased quite a bit, although I still have spikes here and there. My mood is certainly better and I can focus on other things more easily. I still worry about falling back into the compulsion but I’m slowly trying to learn how to accept the uncertainty. Ironically enough I have also recently started an internship job where I have to sit in front of a computer all day. This gave me a massive fear that I was going to google awful things while at work. The anxiety got so bad I ended up having a mental breakdown yesterday while at work. Today went a lot better though. Me having to sit in front of a computer for hours on end has forced me to basically do ERP where I just sit with the anxiety and continue working. Now that it’s the weekend though my obsession is revolving around the google checking. You can’t win against OCD that easily, but I’ve heard that when the anxiety gets really bad that’s actually a good thing and a sign that the mind is trying to heal. It’s so used to me seeking certainty so it’s no wonder my mind is panicking now that I’m really resisting the compulsions. It’s been a tough and very uncomfortable week, but I know I’m not alone in this. I have no choice but to keep fighting.
Oh god this comment only further triggered me, I’m so sorry. I’m scared now that I can’t control this.
Sorry I’m just scared that I’ll actually run into cp one day and it’ll be over. And when you said “good luck explaining it’s ocd” I had a bunch of worst case scenarios running through my head. I feel like I can’t beat this compulsion and I’m so disgusted with myself.
I didn’t run into anything. It was just news articles as people had told it would be.
I know... I managed to go a few good days without checking and then I have these triggering words pop into my head that I should google to check that nothing bad shows up. And then the anxiety kicks in and it gets stronger and stronger. I just want the thoughts to leave.
Ok... I will keep fighting. But I just got really scared after I gave in to the compulsion again today... like I knew what I was checking didn’t make any sense but I got so fed up with worrying about it. And then I felt stupid and ashamed afterwards again. I’m sorry I just don’t know how to be kind to myself now. It’s just negative thoughts saying I don’t deserve a good life
I just feel guilt and shame now... I don’t know how to disperse it. I’m scared I’m gonna do the compulsion again because when it happens it’s like “do it to get it over with so you can move on”. But it’s all just a horrible cycle. That’s why I’m trying so hard to resist.
try putting parental controls on your computer!! that might help
or block all the search sites so you have to type in the url of where you want to go
FernandoV thank you for all the help, do you have any suggestions for spotting mental compulsions during ERP?
Just went down a rabbit hole of googling a lot of stuff for almost 2 hours about pedophilia. And now I’ve got my self scared. I haven’t done it this bad in almost 2 months. I hate this. I was diagnosed with OCD, but some stuff I masturbated to a while back when I had a slight porn addiction is giving me proof. (Not actual children by the way) I’ve had OCD my whole life, and I’m starting to wonder if when I had thoughts about children before my huge spike if they were also intrusive, and I just didn’t care much about them then? Why would I just start caring now. I’m so broken.
POCD TRIGGER Years ago I once read someone’s post on another website who had looked up child pornography because their intrusive thoughts were getting them so much that they just figured that they were that way inclined. And they said that they pleasured themselves to this and then felt horrible and sick and guilty. I felt sorry for this person as they were clearly suffering from OCD and were not a pedophile. For some reason, this has entered my head today as I already have the fear of police scanning what I write on here and coming for me with them getting the wrong idea of me. Then I think the police would of definitely have went for that person as seeing that on their search list on their computer ID etc. Then came the fear of ‘what if I have done that and searched for that’. But that’s something you would know if you had done I’m telling myself.
I’m so sick and tired of OCD ruining my happiness. Whenever I’m genuinely happy and content, it comes back with full force. I can’t be sure if this is even a real event or a false memory but I constantly feel like a shitty person and that I must confess. Long story short, my ocd has convinced me that when I was young like pre-teen years (I’m 22 now) that I google searched ‘child porn’. I know for a fact I 100% have never watched or liked anything like that and that I am not a pedo but the memory is giving me extreme anxiety and guilt. I have no idea if this is real or not?! How can my brain just make up something that is not real????? I had this OCD thought first occur a couple of weeks ago, I got over it and felt happy again and it came back??! Am I stuck like this forever? Shall I confess to my boyfriend who will definitely not understand? Please someone help me. Do I just sit with the anxiety? Does that work for this type of OCD?!
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