I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

Good for you. Keep it up. Just remember not to do mental compulsion whilst doing ERP. You'll be doing great in no time!! ?

bro i have pocd too and this thread really helped me especially you fernando!! thank you all so much keep fighting

I think that’s been my biggest challenge so far though. I genuinely can’t tell when I’m doing mental compulsions most of the time cause they just don’t appear as obvious as the physical ones. I know ruminating and arguing against the thoughts is something I notice a lot. I do tend to try to rationalize everything when the anxiety gets bad so I think that might be a compulsion as well

Dear Koko - You are not crazy, you are not a pervert, you mean no harm. You have OCD - it means you are obsessed with a theme and hyper-vigilant. Please don't worry for any legalities any more but stop doing compulsions. It sounds like you don't know what your mental and physical compulsions are. It sounds like you are in deep need of an OCD specialist. I think you are still in time to cut all of this cold turkey for good. Yes, you will feel miserable for a while still, yes you will feel guilty(feelings are not facts). But in a couple of weeks the obsession will go if you stop now. Zero mental checking, zero rumination, zero researching. You actually do have control over your behaviour. If you don't stop this right now your OCD will grow exponentially until it is completely unmanageable and destroys your life.

Thank you FernandoV. I really hate this checking, I really do. And yet here I am ironically enough doing them. I think it’s because I get that huge sense of relief when nothing bad shows up like “phew I guess I was just imagining things!” But I know this will just make OCD want more and more. That’s why I resisted for a good four days. I’m at least proud of that. Gotta look on the bright side. I am currently waiting to get assessed so I can get right treatment. It’s very difficult to do this all on my own. And that’s what scares me. But talking about this with others who suffer from the same theme does help a little. It gives me just a little bit more strength. Thank you.

Just to update on my matter, I’ve gone for six days without doing this checking compulsion. Anxiety has decreased quite a bit, although I still have spikes here and there. My mood is certainly better and I can focus on other things more easily. I still worry about falling back into the compulsion but I’m slowly trying to learn how to accept the uncertainty. Ironically enough I have also recently started an internship job where I have to sit in front of a computer all day. This gave me a massive fear that I was going to google awful things while at work. The anxiety got so bad I ended up having a mental breakdown yesterday while at work. Today went a lot better though. Me having to sit in front of a computer for hours on end has forced me to basically do ERP where I just sit with the anxiety and continue working. Now that it’s the weekend though my obsession is revolving around the google checking. You can’t win against OCD that easily, but I’ve heard that when the anxiety gets really bad that’s actually a good thing and a sign that the mind is trying to heal. It’s so used to me seeking certainty so it’s no wonder my mind is panicking now that I’m really resisting the compulsions. It’s been a tough and very uncomfortable week, but I know I’m not alone in this. I have no choice but to keep fighting.

Oh god this comment only further triggered me, I’m so sorry. I’m scared now that I can’t control this.

Sorry I’m just scared that I’ll actually run into cp one day and it’ll be over. And when you said “good luck explaining it’s ocd” I had a bunch of worst case scenarios running through my head. I feel like I can’t beat this compulsion and I’m so disgusted with myself.

I didn’t run into anything. It was just news articles as people had told it would be.

I know... I managed to go a few good days without checking and then I have these triggering words pop into my head that I should google to check that nothing bad shows up. And then the anxiety kicks in and it gets stronger and stronger. I just want the thoughts to leave.

Ok... I will keep fighting. But I just got really scared after I gave in to the compulsion again today... like I knew what I was checking didn’t make any sense but I got so fed up with worrying about it. And then I felt stupid and ashamed afterwards again. I’m sorry I just don’t know how to be kind to myself now. It’s just negative thoughts saying I don’t deserve a good life

I just feel guilt and shame now... I don’t know how to disperse it. I’m scared I’m gonna do the compulsion again because when it happens it’s like “do it to get it over with so you can move on”. But it’s all just a horrible cycle. That’s why I’m trying so hard to resist.

try putting parental controls on your computer!! that might help

or block all the search sites so you have to type in the url of where you want to go

FernandoV thank you for all the help, do you have any suggestions for spotting mental compulsions during ERP?