I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

Hello, so I’m currently spiralling so so so bad and I want someone to help me and tell me what to do rn. I have dyslexia so there might be some misspelling 3 months ago I read a manga that triggered my POCD to start The manga was cute, I enjoyed it tbh, but it had pedophilic themes (idk why I continued on to read it?!) and in the end it got quite sexual. I was sick while reading it so sadly I don't have much memories. Anyways afterwards I read some comments about how this was smth only pedos like. And since then, intense POCD. Stopped eating, isolated nyself, tried to commit multiple of times and called 991 on myself too. I kept on going about and thinking if I wanted smth sexual to happen, I know I thought there would be a time jump. And thought that something sexual might have happened then. But I can't stop doubting myself or thinking "what if I liked it when it started to get sexual" and the memories of such feel so real that I can't ignore them. I've never ever enjoyed CP before, or manga with SA (honestly I don't enjoy smut much overall, but they're pretty common in romance mangas) but if it has sexual themes and the characters look like kids/are kids/a weird age gap ect. I drop it, but idk why I didn't drop this one. Then I realised that I had never been attracted to kids, and this scenario doesnt have to mean that I am a pedophile. I also have ALOT of trauma around pedophilia (CSA survivor, started making CP as a coping mechanism. It ruined my childhood and took loads of cptsd therapy to stop relapsing.) And I didn’t have a spiral for weeks, I did epr fully and thought I had finally figured out a way to ignore the intrusive thoughts. Nope lol, today I was insanely bored and decided to watch black mirror. “Shut up and dance” I knew that there was an episode that I had been warned about being triggering bht naive like I tend to be I watched it. And now I’m deeply spiralling again. I’m so tired T_T

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?