SOCD and TOCD

With ocd can the thoughts themselves feel entirely true???? Or is it just the narrative around the thought that feels true/real?

I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲

I’ve been meaning to ask this question, I’ve been diagnosed with SOOCD last year in November. But I had been struggling with SOOCD for around two years at that time before the diagnosis. Yet I still doubt the diagnosis almost every day. I didn’t continue therapy because I could t afford it. The anxiety symptoms or lower now and sometimes istimewa feels very meh like I don’t even want to answer the questions in my mind and other times it will implode and I’ll cry and feel so much pain in my heart. I cried the other night when I was watching on of chrissie Hodges’ videos. Because I felt so confused I can’t tell what’s real from time to time. I also wanted to ask if it’s normal to see pictures of men like really hot men and feel uncomfortable because I feel pressured to look and if I don’t look and check em out even when I don’t feel like it, I’d feel like I’m in denial and it’s exhausting and I tend to give up on responding to it and I’ll just feel like I’m hiding something and it’ll feel so uncomfortable. And then other times I’ll see a guy and turned on but I’ll still feel anxious and uncomfortable abit because of the thoughts. I’m straight and I do love men my fear is that I’m secretly bi because of the porn and the previous fantasizing I did when I was a teen. I’m 21 rn. It’s hard for me everyday I feel like I’m stuff acting in these negative emotions and like I just can’t breathe and be myself by solely trusting in myself. Because there’s constant doubt. And I’m a girl btw