Very triggering /sexual fear.

I had a similar fear on two different occassions I’ll label Episode B (2023) and Episode A(2021). The difference is Episode B I was completly blacked out alone for hours and hours whereas Episode A I was alone for like an hour an 30 minutes I asked my ex to come over and it took him an hour to get there and we were on the phone 70% of the time . Episode B Nov 2023: Severe fear that I molested my dog while blackout drunk since I live alone. Anyone had any similar alcohol blackout fears? I Have not drank since but when I drink I hit on people and get very sexual (beer google eyes and just nothing wrong with sexuality) but when I drink it comes out in ways and with people I don’t want it too and I don’t feel self aware I’m just acting out on alcohol and lower inhibitions. My point is since I have pure ocd intrusive thoughts of sexual intrusive thought with people,dog,family etc. almost daily basis. I have severe trauma/fear that what if I got home alone and like molested my dog or something. I was at bar hiting on a guy that when I saw selfie I took next day I would not have flirted with this guy in a million years (0% my type) and in the next bar and in Uber I was coming on to my best female friend. I’m a female and I would have ever hit on my friend in the 5 years we have been friends, she’s like my sister so because I was so drunk I was coming on to her heavy/begging almost as per what she said. She was upset about it but forgave me. However, I no longer drink with her or at all anymore after we left the bar (I went to three bars in the span of 5-6 hours and had prb 4-7+ drinks which were mojitos at first and then I blacked out so don’t remember). When I was dropped in lobby I was inside but accidently got out and locked myself out of lobby door for about an hour, I could stand and walk (though I would rock a little back and forth) and I was disoriented to some degree because there was a man entering lobby and he let me in lobby and got inside elevator with him, he got out on his floor 7th and I pressed 10th floor (I live on 11th) then got out on 10th took off shoes realized I was not in my floor. Went back to elevator press end lobby and then 10th floor. Then door open again then I saw myself trying to press 11th floor and eventually I got home to my floor (without shoes, I left in other floor and left purse/cellphone in lobby) my apt door was unlocked (due to the lock being broken) and was kinda lost I live in 11th floor and took me 2 minutes to get home since I got off wrong floor and pressed wrong button twice until I pressed 11th floor (I only know if this bc I saw security camera footage because I asked since I blacked out) and wanted to know how I got home. Once I got home I don’t know what happen other than I believe I showered and I found a tv remote control and and wet towel on bathroom floor and dog bone in shower and that I woke up naked in bed covering myself in a bedsheet and that i had left my dog locked in the bathroom (I believe with light on). As someone with ocd you can see how this has wreck havoc in my mind and uncertainty. I have no memories of anything, my fear is what if I had an intrusive thought and acted on it with dog or what if I was in a sexual state of mind still and acted with my dog. There was also a knife in my bathroom but I don’t know if it was there earlier from dying my hair or if I grabbed it in a drunken emotional state of mind ( episode A: 2021 I have grabbed a knife on another occasion a year ago once on the phone drunk with my ex bc I thought I had done something wrong to my dog an intrusive fear so I took that fear as what if something happen while intoxicated though I was only home alone for 30 minutes also I was fueled with sadness over our breakup so it was a bad mix ) my ex came over and that’s i) so I don’t know if I’m Episode B the most recent my subconscious mind grabbed the knife since I was alone and prb had fear or if the knife was already there from drying hair earlier to open a hair box bottle not sure. Long story short, it’s been 6 months since Episode B the thing about episode B I don’t remember anything/my train of thoughts nothing. However since Episode B occurred I have stopped drinking and planning on never drinking again but the uncertainty and what if and fear haunts me and I don’t know how to deal with the fear and uncertainty. I’m sorry if this is confusing to read. If you have any questions let me know. I wanted to share but also try to see if anyone has ever had a similar fear. It has been 6 months since this event and I have not drank since but needed to vent bc I’m starting to think about it more these past few days. It’s always been a thorn like something that bothers me most days I try not to think of that fear but these past two days I started to ruminate.

"Pure" OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I know I rambled on and it’s a long message

Sleepygigi

Date posted: 2y

If this becomes something that is crippling to you I suggest putting your dog up for adoption or giving it away to a family members. Distancing myself from things like that tend to help sometimes, in extreme cases like this. How did the dog behave afterwards? I’m sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Sleepygigi I had him for almost 6 years and adoption would be difficult. I’m trying to cope with uncertainty and continue life without alcohol and with therapy. When I opened the bathroom door the next day not sure if I put him there or left him there and closed door on him not sure, he just was happy to be out of the closed door and was normal but ocd never goes away, even my dog acted normal/cuddly. My head goes what if he is just acting normal because dogs are loyal and don’t understand things. So him acting normal next day wasn’t anything I could take as a way to shut down uncertainty/fears for too long.

Sleepygigi

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I understand what you mean. Maybe try setting up cameras in your house if you fear this is going to happen again in some way or next time it happens. That way you can be sure maybe.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Sleepygigi I’m not going to be drinking ever again and that fear spiked bc I was blacked out drunk but I’m still going to put camera regardless for security purposes and just to have them in case but I’m never touching alcohol in front of my dog ever waking up with uncertainty and no memory is the worst nightmare I have experienced

Sleepygigi

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I’m so sorry to hear about this. You’re doing better though for giving up alcohol, stay strong

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Thank you for reading

Twilightprin...

Date posted: 24w

Some advice please- I feel like my life is falling

I went out 2 years ago with some friends and I can’t remember some of the night - we went to a house party and my friends say nothing happened but I’m so afraid that I cheated on my partner and don’t remember it. It’s consuming my every minute and I can’t let it go. I was reading up on false memory ocd the other day and it triggered me into thinking what if something I imagined happening actually happened and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared that because I imagined something a certain way that if it wasn’t the same thing I imagined that it must be true

eb123456789

Date posted: 22w

False Memory Cheating Fear, Drinking

Hello all, I’ve dealt with various OCD themes and compulsions for pretty much as long as I can remember. In some periods of my life the thoughts and compulsions have been particularly severe, but I’ve also had years where I’m able to keep it under control. This has made me worry I don’t actually have OCD, especially because I haven’t been doing consistent therapy and my therapists have gone back and forth on whether I have OCD. In the past few years, I’ve struggled immensely with false memory ocd, and right now I’m going through probably the most severe episode of my life. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. A few times that I’ve gone out drinking I’ve had the thought before “what if I lost control and cheated tonight” and it’s bothered me severely. Two times before, it’s gotten to the point of convincing myself that because I talked to a man that meant I had cheated on my boyfriend and just couldn’t remember. It has never turned out to be true. About a month ago, I went out with friends and had too much to drink. I was really ashamed of myself the next morning, particularly because I always try to drink cautiously now that I know it can trigger my anxiety. I am ashamed to admit I do not remember the very end of the night getting in my uber and going home. I woke up anxious and extremely worried and immediately started off by worrying if I could have tried to kiss my friend and not remembered. I called him and was immediately reassured nothing had happened, I simply drank too much and went home at the end of the night. I started feeling better, but then remembered a moment I had been in the bathroom. I remembered chatting with people in line about how long the line was, and then being in the bathroom on my phone. I then felt like I remembered people knocking and saying to myself “that wasn’t that long” and leaving. There is nothing concrete that I remember that in any way indicates I cheated, and in fact I have texts with my boyfriend from the whole night telling him I loved him. My friend told me that the only time I was ever apart from him was about 5 minutes and that when he came back I was in the same exact spot he left me in. However, when I remembered being in the bathroom, I thought to myself “what if you cheated on him in the bathroom”/ “oh my god did you cheat on him in the bathroom” and then a series of images of me performing sexual acts popped into my head. I’ve poured over my memory and truly do not remember meeting anyone, talking to anyone, or even finding anyone attractive that night, but the fact that I was drinking makes me worried I’m just forgetting and these images could be real. I’ve been constantly ruminating on these fears for the past month, to the point that the only relief I feel is when I’m able to fall asleep. I’m a law student and it’s becoming extremely difficult to keep up with my classes. I’ve been google searching, asked chat gpt for advice, confessed my fears to my boyfriend, asked for reassurance from pretty much everyone in my life, and even emailed the bar asking for security footage (which I know all sounds insane). I’m a naturally guilty person and feel bad about small things, so I really don’t think I would be capable of cheating and then nonchalantly texting my boyfriend, but these images feel so real that it’s terrifying. I’ve also seen a lot about how I would “just know” and that begins to scare me because then I think “you do just know, you did it” even though I really don’t think I did. I know these posts are not supposed to be for reassurance seeking, I’m just so exhausted and feeling really depressed. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something similar and has any advice. I’m also wondering if images can feel more real the more you ruminate on them or if it’s a sign of memory. Thank you so much for listening.

emma345

Date posted: 16w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

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Very triggering /sexual fear.

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