MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Existential dread

Okay so I was getting food after playing a game with some friends and I know that fighting or arguing against the intrusive thoughts makes it worse or can strengthen the frequency and intensity of the thoughts. I sort of fell into that loop and I keep getting the intrusive thoughts and it made me sort of panic because I started getting thoughts that made it seem like I did want to let's say do the deed but you know what it is. It started making me question whether or not it's something I wanted started filling me with doubt more and at no point did I ever see the idea as attractive but I started getting this sinking feeling in my gut sort of an existential sort of dread feeling and it made me almost like clasp my chest in fear. I might think that this is starting to get a bit out of hand cuz it's starting to affect me at a bigger level. Like I want to go hang out with my friends right now that are currently in the chat room and I want to go play this game with them but this keeps gnawing at my head like it's something I want to do but I keep fighting against it. Even that this sort of bigger level would you still say it's anxiety? Cuz it's starting to feel pretty real. Basically I know I don't want to do anything I haven't planned anything and I haven't set out to do anything at all if anything I've showed that I don't want to do anything and do the exact opposite but it seems to be just hitting harder and it almost seems like it's trying to convince me that it's a good idea But my true intentions fight back against it saying no I don't want to do that. One thing that really did affect me or one that hit me really hard in the gut was a thought that said you don't care about any of the things that you're doing or fulfilling responsibilities in life like your bank account or your job you don't care about any of that stuff just do it. And I'm like no I do care about my job and I do care about like the responsibilities that I've come to do in life knowing that they're important I don't want to do anything and it made it hard for me to even speak the words cuz I'm having trouble saying anything cuz I'm getting so anxious. I don't really think I'm in any danger of doing anything because I don't think I'm in that sort of mindset or anything but my thoughts are trying to make me think I am and they are getting pretty distressing.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Sounds like you are aware of your patterns which is a good thing. You’ve been there before and therefore it is predictable. Even though it’s uncomfortable like when you catch a bad cold it is manageable. First you sneeze. Then you get a sore throat then maybe a cough that lingers and it eventually goes away. Ocd comes and goes with its bag of tricks. We know what it is but the better we get at recognizing it the more ocd tries to insinuate itself in sneaky ways. Fuck off my dear ocd which I will refer to as douche from now on. You are not alone my friend!!!!

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

What gets me is I repeat the phrase "I want to live and don't want to hurt or kill myself!' And sometimes I'll try to repeateit in my mind and I'll mess up and say the opposite and I don't immediately feel the anxious feeling in my stomach and I'll think that's what I really want but I'll shake my head and try to block out thoughts like that. I get nervous near sidewalks cause the passing cars scare me.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative The passing cars scare you. You who are not your ocd. Your fear is a reaction to the false alarm. Ocd is that false alarm punching you in the gut. If you were not scared If you wanted to die the fear would not surface. Ocd has you by the balls but YOU, are not your ocd. He’s Mr douche and just wants to fuck w you. Not for reassurances sake but when you want to do something it is not followed by fear. I want to do yoga… it’s a god feeling. I might kill myself… it’s an ocd BAD FEELING! Kiss my ass Mr douche!!!! You got this!!! We got this!!!!!

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

I also noticed that I am a bit more scatterbrained and and hyper aware of things I do and will sometimes do things and forget what I was doing for a second. That's the anxiety right? I've asked my doctor and therapist and they said that based off their evaluation I don't have bipolar disorder or anything so I should trust their evaluation.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative Sounds about right.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

@vgb Last thing I noticed that if the phrase "I like living and don't want to hurt myself!" And I say that that sometimes I get the anxious feeling in my gut. Why would I since that's the one I like. Wouldn't I only get that when the opposite comes to mind from intrusive stuck thoughts?

Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it feels so intense right now but it will pass. Anxiety always passes, so try to hold onto that. Are you on medication?

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Currently no. But I don't feel as though I need it as does my therapist. I have also informed her on this post

Maite1506

Date posted: 2y

I'm honestly going through the exact same thing since a few months. Hope you'll start feeling better soon!

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

It’s most likely because you are hyper focused in this. It will consume you until u just say ok… it’s a thought judt lije any thought. You are analyzing and assigning meaning to useless thoughts. It’s the work if Mr douche… if it sounds like I’ve been through this it’s cuz I have. Trust me it’s not u. It’s the ocd

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

Best thing is to not think about it and go on a out my day no matter what correct.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative Yes. You have to be like. What’s demanding my attention vs what’s DESERVING my attention

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative Yes. You have to be like. What’s demanding my attention vs what’s DESERVING my attention

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

@vgb I have been feeling pretty good but a bit of the same. I keep having the same back and forth thoughts. I want to, I don't want to. Testing myself. If I don't get the anxiety alarm when I should I get worried like I want the terrible thing to happen. It doesn't help that I feel emotionally exhausted. Anytime I finish a task I get the thought "Now that your done with that time to do the deed!". Followed by thoughts of it happening sometimes with no anxiety response which is truly worrying.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative Do you have a doctor? Have you been diagnosed w OCD? It’s always good to talk to a professional. Sounds like your ocd is working overtime!!!! Also sounds like you need to maybe catch up on some good old r and r. Hang in there. It gets better.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

@vgb I do have a doctor but she's been booked up this month but has me on a wait list. Yes anxiety/ocd. I was working on ERP regimen before the schedule messed up.

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

@vgb So I finally felt a sense of calm and was able to basically almost feel like I wasn't anxious anymore like it sort of just faded one day and I woke up like oh I feel really good. And I felt that way for about a week or so now. But just now when I was at work I started to have kind of like a weird rumination episode where I started to think man I really don't feel like I'm 31. And then that spiraled into what if I think that I'm younger and I'm just wired wrong in the brain where I think that I'm a younger age but I'm not. And then that started to play the other anxieties that you've known I've come into and then that piggybacked on the self-harm thoughts. And then out of nowhere I was starting to get overwhelmed by all the thoughts and then that culminated to you don't want to live anymore which I didn't immediately get anxious at. And then that scared me because why wouldn't I get anxious at that thought I obviously do want to live everything that I've done in spite of those thoughts proves that. But the reason that I've been this calm or feeling fine was because I stopped trying to react whenever they came up and it started to just fade and dissipate. I guess that one sort of hit me and I got cuz I got scared that I was okay with it or something and that started me being anxious again just now. I am repeatedly saying I want to live right now and sometimes I'll slip up and say the opposite and I'll get really anxious but sometimes I won't and that makes me think I want it.

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative I’m Actually in a flare up too. Last few days have been tough…

MisterNegative

Date posted: 2y

@vgb Sorry I didn't mean to add more to your plate. I hope you do well and it does down soon

vgb

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@MisterNegative No problem. It’s just hard to give advice when you are feeling kind of defeated. I guess we just have to take a deep breath and let the waves come and go. We really can’t control every aspect of our life. Just keep the faith. ☀️

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

AnnFon

Date posted: 19w

Existential/Anxiety OCD

This is my first post, so I apologize if the formatting is weird. I experience existential ocd I always struggled as a kid but learned more and more how to manage with school and such forcing me to learn how, now I experience a lot of overwhelming intrusions from when I wake up to when I go to bed (simply because I live and work in the same place it gets cabin feverish) but now more often going out maybe it’s just paranoia, I walk into a place and each person comes with a story immediately, every piece of trash on the floor, every piece of produce, each isle is a brand new way I could get into a life altering situation. I’ve managed well enough but sometimes I just completely lose my original objective and just leave or I’ll wanna leave my house but everything that goes with it and that could happen pops up and I just won’t go. It’s started to become avoidant behavior. Any help or similar stories? I just feel like I’m going crazy but my thoughts are so scattered and immediate it’s hard to break the habit and not spin a story. Thank yall!

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

Anxious

I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞

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