- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
I need SOOCD to go away!
Literally my brain won’t catch a break. A long time ago one of my female coworker- I thought was so pretty and cute year ago. I vividly remember a thought coming up like “ are you attracted to her? Are you bisexual?” A little background, my first ocd thought came up when I was 12 and I walking to middle school and a random thought out of the blue came up as “ are you lesbian” and looking back that the first OCD theme I had. Eventually time flew by and I forgot about it. My crushes to boy came back and lived my life till I was in college. Then I latched into suicide ocd and having the urge to take a knife and stab my stomach after watching Harry Potter?? I had various themes but the worse flare up was when I was in college and again I saw a super beautiful girl in the campus and at that moment it felt like “real attraction” from then my theme of being scared of being bisexual came up. Soon that theme transformed to suicide OCD to harm ocd to others which is when I researched and seeked help and got diagnosed with OCD. Lived my life 2 years and eventually I forgot I had ocd, but it lasted for years and I was pretty much traumatized by harm ocd. COVID hit and my ocd slipped my mind and I loved my life for the past two years enjoying my lifestyle and even developing a huge crush on this guy. I began to work out and eat healthy because I wanted to shoot my shot at this gorg boy. Made it my goal to finally have a boyfriend before turning 25. Yes, I have never had my first kiss or a bf. I’ve always been anxious. Regardless, I indentified as straight all my life and even when I first started NOCD therapy last month they had a option asking for my sexual orientation. I clicked in my sexual orientation as Heterosexual cus that’s what identified as. One day I was as I was doing therapy for harm ocd with my female therapist last month… I randomly got the thought I that I had a crush and I was attracted to her and my brain automatically remembered thought of my coworker from the past I had about being bisexual and then it came back… my second theme which randomly flared up. Ever since that day, my mind constantly switching between harm ocd and that I’m bisexual. Every pretty girl I see I’m convinced I’m attracted to her, I can’t even tell the difference btwn false attraction and if I’m being in denial, Im kinda doing erp but I’m scared it gonna make me accept conversion and become bisexual. Sometimes when I say like “ I’m straight and I only like boys” my brain feels like it’s wrong. Now that same coworker she would always like my stories and text me and immediately my brain thinks it’s more and I have feelings for her. I physically can’t… I’m so scared when I’m marry or date a guy in the future I’m being a fraud. I hate this and I’m so lost. I know I have to keep the thoughts and move on w my day but I can’t. Uncertainty “maybe I like women, or maybe not” I’m feel like I’m going insane. I’m so scared this is gonna last for years again and more years of my mid 20s are gonna go wasted. My life feels pauses. I force myself everyday to do the simplest task. Like really two themes??…. I try not to avoid girls as a compulsion but sometimes my brain won’t give me anxiety but I still get attraction from every girl I see. I wanna be normal like everyone else. I’m so scared to have kids I just hate my life. I want to be normal. I can’t even figure out my triggers. Sometimes when I say in mind to test myself “ I’m bisexual” it feels right? Am I in denial oh I hate this. I hate my brain.