- Date posted
- 2y
OCD + processing an idol might be a p
My ocd has me trapped in a spiral constantly digging for information and reassurance, and is pounding me with guilt, on a weird situation w one of my music idols. Said musician worked for a multitude of bands I listen to,and his work has inspired my own art work because of his overall bright, kind of circus-y childhood feel he puts into his work. Here's the thing abt him possibly being a creep,that has me feeling all over the place and has my head honestly hurting from guilt and rumination. A few years ago, one of his band mates accused him of doing The Thing when they were 16 and he was 27. Later on ,he posted that she and him had been talking for the last year and that it was a process but as long as things were healthy he'd see where it'd go. (Said person uses she/they/ he pronouns ,hence me switching them up a lot btw) And had started inviting the musician over and even letting him teach their kid an instrument. Now he's on totally good terms w him,posts praising his music and music he helped work on etc. A lot of the fans I've seen talk abt this also are still a fan of this musicians work even in spite of knowing all this stuff. There's a tad more to it but that's basically the jists of it. I've spent so much time digging through soo many reddit posts,googling. Whatever. I even joined a discord server for a podcast the musician runs to find more info which just intensified the guilt tenfold just by me being there(esp bc one of the ppl there was one of the ppl i asked abt for more info abt the situation in another server. Cant stop ruminating if tjey think im bad). I dunno. It sucks. On all levels. And it hurts Because this guy geniunely seemed like such an kind and fun guy and someone i obviously looked up to. Someone who's music I have a really strong attachment to and someone who is connected to a Lot of other music I listen to as well. I want to reassurance seek and dig for more info but I don't want to be disrespectful. Ocd is tearing me up in shreds abt it and making me feel bad no matter how I handle the situation. Even feeling bad abt having music that means a lot to me be tainted /unlistenable. I'm autistic and was hyperfixated on some of the bands he was associated w and some of his own stuff and I'm still fixated on some of the bands and just ignore stuff I know he worked on ,but even that I feel bad abt even though I'm pretty sure a lot of them don't know bc most of them r offline/the victim is still good friends w a lot of them (but he's friends w the musician again so idk.) Idk. Even if the victim made amends w the musician, I feel bad listening to listening someone who did that. And I feel bad no matter how I handle this. Don't know how to heal from this stupid spiral,keep going back to it.