Applecore

Date posted: 2y

I'm really scared.

I know I mentioned this in the last post but I really haven't gotten it out of my head. I'm really scared to tell my therapist about it because I'm afraid she'll report me. Many years ago when I was very poor I sold NSFW art commissions. I wasn't very professional and I clearly was very lackadaisy on who I sold it to. I'm pretty sure I even sold a couple of them to minors. And if I did I feel extremely guilty over it. I want to talk to my therapist about this but I'm afraid she will report me. I feel like this is something illegal I did. I don't know 100% sure if they were minors. But I wouldn't put it past me because of how desperate I was. And I honestly just didn't know any better. I would never do it now because I see how stupid and wrong it is. I even did an art trade with someone and I didn't check their age and judging by their art style which I requested an NSFW pic they seemed very juvenile. I should have been more careful. I just don't want this to ruin my life. I want to move forward.

Imnew@this

Date posted: 2y

It sounds like you didn’t do any of this on purpose. I’m not sure if this advice will make you feel better, but I’m sure sharing this with your therapist will lighten the load you must be feeling. You didn’t intentionally harm anyone but you’re harming yourself by blaming yourself.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

I'm just scared because knowing me and knowing how I was. Maybe I knew they were underage and just sold it to them anyway because I was so desperate for money at the time I didn't care about the age I just wanted to make a transaction. The thought about it makes me feel sick to my stomach

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

Like the people told me their age and I just said okay whatever because I needed to make money.

Imnew@this

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Talking it through always help me. The fact that you feel bad for past actions shows that you feel remorse and are willing to change.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Imnew@this I will talk to my therapist about it. I'm just scared she's going to report me. I feel extremely guilty for it and I know better now. I was young and desperate and stupid.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me though. You are very kind.

Imnew@this

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore No problem and I’m sure your therapist will understand

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Imnew@this Thank you so much. I feel a little bit better now and I will definitely talk to my therapist about it. So far everything I've told her before is okay so once I tell her about this I feel like I can finally move on from it. I'm not that person anymore.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

Hey… how are you feeling now…? Are you okay?

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

I'm feeling a little bit better but I'm just scared to talk to my therapist about what happened

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

I'm going to do it anyway regardless.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Trust me… i know how you feel…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore My pocd and real events OCD is kicking me real bad… I just posted about it again… I understand how you feel… because im feeling alone and hopeless and anxious rn…

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I've been feeling that way a little bit too. I let it exist in my mind though and I just go about my day. I know what you're going through is hard to but just know that I'm fighting the same fight You Are. I'm dealing with guilt as well. But if it's any consolation I know it's not a lot coming from a stranger. But you are forgiven. Forgive yourself now so you can move forward. And I'll try to forgive myself

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore My mom, this former ocd therapist who is now a writer, and many people have told me to forgive myself since I was a child (13 years old) but idk how… the real events were extremely horrible… I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup Don't do this to yourself anymore. I know all about this already because you've mentioned this before. I understand. Forgive yourself. Do not spiral. You're in a safe place right now and everything's going to be okay.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore But how…

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I think the reassurance isn't doing anything for you because you still feel a lot of guilt. This is what my therapist told me, guilt is actually a good thing. It means you recognize that you did something wrong and that you'll never do it again. That's how we grow as people. That's how we learn. Nobody's perfect and everyone makes mistakes. You were a child and nothing came from it. But I understand how much guilt hurts but listen to that guilt and feel it. That guilt that you have just shows that you grew and learn from what you did when you were 13. You realize that it was bad and now you will never do it again. That's a sign of growth be proud of yourself. I promise you that it's not going to last forever, you're going to be okay

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore When your pocd and hocd and real events ocd basically tell you that your in denial because of everything ive told you… its so hard to actually forgive yourself

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup If you were really a bad person you wouldn't be feeling as horrible as you do now. You wouldn't have cared. But the fact that you do care and that you do feel guilt shows that you're not a bad person. You're a good person.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup Trust me I know it's hard. I'm going through that right now, it's kind of interesting if you think about it. Everyone else tells you that you've been forgiven but the one person that you try to seek forgiveness from is yourself and that's the most difficult one. It'll take time but just thinks to yourself that you're not a bad person.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Ive told you about my hocd real events as well… idk how to overcome rhose… i feel so alone…

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup You're not alone. I know exactly what you're going through, I understand how painful it is.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore I have to sign off right now because I have to go to work tomorrow. Get some rest.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Its making me feel like i “want” the intrusive thoughts of dating men or being intimate with them when i dont… plus physical groinal responses when i try to check my reactions to the intrusive thoughts are the worst… its making me feel like im not anxious of the intrusive HOCD thoughts and i hate it so much…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Its making me think “i hate myself for liking the thoughts” when i dont like the thoughts in any way…

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup There's nothing wrong with being curious. I think you're mistaking liking the thoughts, for just being curious and curiosity is normal. Think of it this way. A lot of people nowadays love true crime now just because they like true crime does that mean that they're at heart murders and psychopaths? No. It's just curiosity. I think what happens is with our ocd is it makes us dwell and overthink our curiosity and makes us feel that we enjoy it when we actually don't.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I don't know why but my OCD is making me feel weird about giving you that advice. Sorry, I don't want it to seem like I'm grooming you or anything...

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore But im not curious at all 😭😭 i dont wver want to ever be attracted to men in any way shape or form… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual or bicurious in anyway shape or form… this triggered me a bit… i dont wver want to ever be homosexual or bisexual in ant way 😭😭😭

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I'm really sorry. I guess I'm not in the head space to give advice right now. I'm really sorry 😞

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I really didn't mean to trigger you. I'll just stop.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Its not your fault… you were trying to give me advice… i just dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all… not even curious…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Please dont feel upset… 😞😞😞

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I don't want to hurt you though.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I don't want it to seem like I'm pushing you in any sort of direction. I was just trying to help. I just hope my advice or anything doesn't come off like I'm trying to groom you or push you into anything.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Just because you triggered me once doesnt mean anything…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Your not… im 21 lol… your not grooming or pushing me into anything… im not young or impressionable to groom… your fine sir or ma’am.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup I'm really sorry. I'm kind of going through it myself right now and I guess I'm just not in the head space to give advice right now. Truth be told I don't even think I'm supposed to give advice.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Dont apologize. You did nothing wrong

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup It feels like I did though. I'm not going to lie I remember talking to you about a year ago. And I know we were very friendly in that conversation. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts that I had overstepped a boundary or something. I know that seems out of the blue to mention. But I would hate to think that I would have hurt somebody or made somebody uncomfortable.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore It feels like you did because thats what ocd does… when you really didnt… besides… i was 20… you didnt groom me or anything like that… are you a guy or a girl?

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup A girl. I'm 30 now

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup It was a year ago when we were talking. You had mentioned that you were having a hard time getting a girlfriend because you said you were ugly. However you then made your profile a picture of yourself and I had mentioned that you actually weren't ugly at all and that you would get a girlfriend no worries. My OCD is telling me that might have been an inappropriate thing to say.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Thats… not an inappropriate thing to say at all… i felt really grateful you said that to me… i felt happy that a girl thought i wasnt ugly… because most girls in my high school did…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Great… i was getting a groinal response for no reason and my hocd was saying “ i was attracted to a guy”… i hate this so much…

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup High school girls are so rude! Don't listen to people like that. I'm so sorry that they said that to you.

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore I was getting a groinal response while talking to you for no reason (before i knew your gender) and my hocd goes “YOUR ATTRACTED TO A GUY, YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR GENDER, YOUR ATTRACTED TO A MAN”

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup That's not you it's your OCD.

Applecore

Date posted: 2y

@Givenup Don't over think it

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Its just constantly giving me intrusive thoughts of guys being “hot” kissing guys, dating guys, and doing stuff with guys… And intrusive feelings making it feel so real… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual at all…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore Plus Its giving me intrusive thoughts of kissing multiple guys and giving me intrusive feelings… making it feel like either i want it or making it feel like im “kissing” them when i dont wver want to ever do that…

Givenup

Date posted: 2y

@Applecore And as i was finishing pleasuring myself i was trying to think of a beautiful woman but my hocd was saying “YOU WERE THINKING OF A MAN” when i really wasnt… It was giving me intrusive thoughrs of guys privates throughout me trying to pleasure myself and when i would check my reaction to triggering images of guys privates i would feel turned off… i dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual in any way…

J🧸

Date posted: 17w

Advice…?

This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.

Giselleeee

Date posted: 14w

Should I turn myself in?

When I was around 19-20 I believe I showed my then 8-9 cousin crude pictures (e.g a cartoon image of a butt). I don’t know how many times I did this but I believe I was trying to be predatory by giving me control over her (not sexual just the feeling of wanting control)and also cuz I thought it was funny. For some reason this didn’t really start bothering me until now (I’m now 22). I don’t have any desire to hurt children. I’m scared by what I feel I’ve done. Should I go to the police?

Givenup

Date posted: 11d

Harm OCD and my mistakes

18+ When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl (who was in our school) explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 19, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to later... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... my friend, (the one who sent our friend group explicit vids and pics of his ex) told me that there was a one month period between him and her when they were in a relationship where he was 18 and she was 17 )... they were together for 1-2 years... and they were explicit throughout their whole relationship ... including the one month period... so i was getting extremely anxious and triggered about him sending me potentially illegal stuff... I asked him several times over the course of three days after he casually admitted he had a 1 month age period with her, (he was 18 and she was 17 during that one month) if she was over 18 when he made those videos, and he kept giving me answers like "Yes" And "It was a month after she turned 18..." He even got frustrated on the second day of me asking and said "Dude, this is the 10th time you've asked me and yes she was." On the third day I asked him, he said "yeah" when i said his previous comments of "a month after she turned 18, right?" back to him, and he even added that "we started getting more explicitly active around this time." He also told me "Even if she was under the age of 18, you wouldn't be in trouble because you were sent it." Yesterday, I called him again and apologized for asking so much... to which he responded... "I was hoping you'd realize this has been excessive..." But then I asked him if she really was 18 in those videos or not... he got frustrated and said... "Dude, you cant keep apologizing over and over, before asking me again..." Still, I asked him to confirm it for me one last time, to which he replied... "She was 18 in those videos..." I keep getting anxious because I dont know if he's lying or not and its triggering me really bad, not to mention feeling guilty about the harm I had caused... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... People say you make mistakes when you were a teen... these were some of my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope people dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've all been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here...

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