I wish I could somehow lose my memory

Real Event OCD is a nightmare. I wish I could just forget my past, every event and every detail and every false memory too. I know the guilt, shame and anxiety I'm feeling is supposedly 'disproportionate' to my events but since my events involve p*rn I feel like it's not disproportionate, and I hate how stupid and oblivious I was. Even though it's been six months since my last event, and years since some of my others, I feel like I'm gonna be living with these feelings forever.

Nik07

Date posted: 2y

Currently going through the same thing as well. It feels heavy but once you feel the anxiety and let time pass it will get better

sezakow

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Me too

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Hi. I have the same feelings of guilt and shame and they do involve porn. I relate to all of this a lot

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 2y

I'm really glad I'm not alone in this. I havent found many other people with REOCD similar to mine and I sometimes feel like that makes it 'real' and not OCD.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@Northern_Downpour There's a lot of people that go through REOCD that have porn involved. Unfortunately, it starts at a young age, like it did for me. I don't know if it was that way for you, but it doesn't matter. The point is, this bothers you and you have a group of people that care about you and want you to get through this, including myself. You'd be surprised by how little people might know about the dangers of pornography. Our society typically just passed it off as something everyone watches and that's it. REOCD can be really complicated because it involves events that truly did happen. Something I remember is that it's not about the event that has happened but about the mindset and perspective at times.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Yeah, it started really young for me. I'm mad that the internet allows such easy access to stuff like that to kids who aren't even looking for it. I've been porn free for almost half a year and it surprisingly hasn't been hard at all, and has helped my mental health. but the nature of it makes it so hard to come out about and talk to people about. Especially in a time where people have lost understanding of nuance and forgiveness. If nothing else though, REOCD has made me a more understanding and forgiving person. :]

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@Northern_Downpour That's awesome, man! I'm very glad you've decided that cutting it out completely and being a year free has helped you. That's definitely an achievement you should be proud of. I've been a month free so far and I hope to get to where you are. That's very inspiring. I agree with you as well, I can't stand the fact that this stuff is so easily accessible to children. Especially when it can be about media they know and have grown up with watching on TV. I would say in some ways that REOCD has made me more careful of what I do and I'm WAY more remorseful and sensitive to things because of it. That feeling of guilt is now 2 times stronger, but unfortunately it's mostly for things that I shouldn't be guilty for. At the end of the day, I'm happy for you man. I don't look down on you or anyone else at all that has struggled with porn or any kind of behavior that can be hard to talk about. I'm happy to hear that you've improved by kicking this out of your life.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 DUDE a month is great progress!! You should be proud of yourself!! I dont look down on people who've struggled with it either, it's an industry that unfortunately has a lot of negative effects people refuse to talk about and I really feel like we should be more forgiving of people who have struggled with it. I'm happy for you too, I hope you're able to keep it up but don't be too hard on yourself if your progress isn't linear. I also relate to being way more careful about myself and my actions, definitely to an excessive extent thanks to OCD. But hopefully with recovery we can give ourself more freedom and not be so hard on ourselves when we make mistakes.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@Northern_Downpour Thank you. I don't have any urges to go back to it and I'm glad. I get really bad thoughts about it but I know what going back to it is going to do to my health. It just wouldn't be good for me. We should definitely be forgiving and compassionate with those that are going through it. Especially those at a young age. I'm still hard on myself when I make mistakes because of low self esteem unfortunately. But being sober is one less problem to worry about.

emma345

Date posted: 18w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Real event false memory ruining enjoyment guilt

Hi everyone, I'm struggling with what I think are intrusive thoughts, possibly related to OCD, and I'm hoping someone here might relate. When I was younger, in my early teens, I went through a period where I had a strong interest in pornography. During that time, I encountered hentai involving male characters, related to an anime I enjoyed. One of the characters was someone I even looked up to. I feel incredibly uncomfortable admitting this, but I believe I engaged in sexual activity related to it. Years later, I'm plagued by intrusive thoughts about this. I feel intense self-disgust and shame. It's like this memory has "tainted" my ability to enjoy that anime, and sometimes other things. I'm constantly replaying the situation in my mind, questioning my past actions, and worrying about what it means about me. The anxiety is significantly impacting my life. Does anyone else experience intrusive thoughts focused on past events, particularly those that cause feelings of shame or disgust? How do you cope with the constant replaying and questioning? I'm looking for support and understanding. Thank you for listening.

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I wish I could somehow lose my memory

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