- Date posted
- 2y
Phobias and exposure
I have been thinking about phobias I experience that are definitely partly because of ocd lately so I wanted to talk about them. At this point I think I have had 4 phobias, 2 I've worked on but they're not fully managed but I won't talk about those. I have 2 phobias that plague my everyday and they're both tied to contamination and health themes of my intrusive thoughts. My most prominent phobia is maggots, parasites and anything related to that. I can trace it back to seeing an infested deer carcass when I was a kid. It is uncomfortable to talk about but manageable so I guess I'm also talking about it as an exposure exercise. It used to only be seeing videos or them irl that scared me but it's evolved. I don't wanna go places with increased risk, I'm terrified of anything under my skin even my veins trigger me sometimes. I'm irrationally scared of scabies and even looking at drawings now makes my hands feel infested. I know at this point I should probably get some professional help for this as it's only gotten worse and I plan to eventually. Im also scared about anything being in my food like worms in apples or food looking strange. I've recently realized I likely have emetophobia, or the fear of vomiting and being sick. My relationship with food is very hard and I've actually pushed some boundaries this year which I'm really proud of. But if I see mold in real life? I get very triggered. I'm also the type of person with ocd that can't finish their tea or use the last bit of condiments because they feel like they will make me sick. I think I've been trying to deny that I have this fear because it was "typical"? I don't really know why that matters to my brain. As far as I can remember food has only made me vomit once and that's not the type of food I'm scared of. But when I do vomit it's typically a very violent experience and I was sick twice last year where I threw up which I think has just driven my phobia to become more solid. I'm talking vomiting so hard I would cry from the back pain I got. I don't often talk about my phobias publicly because I don't believe others should have the ammo to force me to have exposure therapy at any time THEY choose. Today I noticed some leftovers were moldy and got very triggered. It is the moment where I realized I do have this phobia. But I have been very strong this week and I managed to put it in a trash can (withouth washing my hands or rubbing them or anything after :D) and I tried eating something small to feel more comfortable getting actual food. I still got very triggered but I think acknowledging this made it easier to do some exposure and not engage in compulsions! I'm very proud of myself and I think I will talk to my family and friends about this soon so I can maybe figure out how to do some exposure for it. I don't think I can do much about my maggot phobia withouth professional help it's been with me since I was a little kid but maybe I can nip this emetophia in the bud before it evolves.