Am I really trying to get help?

Venting: I‘ve been suffering from some type of ocd and tourettic-ocd for 2 years now. I’m not diagnosed with ocd yet but I am trying to get the dx. I had a therapist when everything first started but I’m very ashamed and embarrassed of my obsessions so I had never brought it up with my therapist. I regret it and wished I did. My Tourette’s had gotten severe and I ended up on a antipsychotic called risperdal the help my tics. The medication had also help with my ocd symptoms and I thought that it was almost a miracle. I am off the medication because of side effects reasons and now my ocd is getting worse again. Around this time my therapist stoping being my therapist because our contract ended. I recently told my mother the half truth of that I might have tourettic-ocd and maybe we can hurry up and reschedule my monthly psych appointment. So I do have plans of talking to a psychiatrist about it alone but I want validating reassurance pronto. So I recently contacted my old therapist to try to get the reassurance I want (I had still have her phone number). I tried telling her that I think I been suffering from ocd. I was so nervous and anxious about telling her, I thought that she be mad, hate me, tell me that I’m wrong about ocd and I’m just a horrific person. I did my best not to panic, even tho I felt like vomiting. I right when I told her she cut me off and told me that she doesn’t deal or have any experience with ocd, she said that need to talk to my mother, talk my psychiatrist and just don’t stress about it then the call was over. I cried and had a breakdown about it. Ig she did her job… but I can’t stop overthinking of what she might think of me now and stuff. I really wanted someone to just reassure and validate me. And I’m now stuck waiting for my psych appointment. I titled this, “am I really trying to get help” because the next step of trying to get help is to tell my mother. I’m afraid that if I do tell mom, her reaction would be worse than my therapists. My mother is apart of why I do want help but I just can’t tell her. I have many repetitive intrusive thoughts of violence and harm to my own mother. I’m stuck doing compulsions trying to cleanse and get rid of these horrific thoughts. Each day as more stress builds on and on, I feel like everything is getting worse and worse I truly do want to get help but I just can’t let my mom finds out. And if I get even worse she might start to notice more and more. In the beginning I say that I spend atleast 40 minutes a day doing compulsions and 8 hours a day intrusive thoughts invading my mind. Now it’s probably over 1 hr 30 mins doing compulsions and almost all day with intrusive thoughts. I don’t want this to get to the point it’s interfering with my constantly