Fear of being cheated on

Thank you for explaining. In your previous post I got the feeling as if he just told you he was going and didn't care how you felt. The way you describe it now, it is quite nice. And I do agree with you. Good going. I guess you just needed someone like you to make you see you are already on the right way for you. That is nice. I wish you both a lifetime of love and happiness together. All the best.

I am not sure I should comment. I've had bad experiences with it a couple of times. This comes from a good place. If you think I am overstepping my boundaries, just ignore my post. I decided to answer, because my heart breaks for you. I know what you are going through. I've been there. I gave up my job, my place, my life to move in with my then bf. He lived far away from me. In another country. Once I was there, he started looking at other women, flirting with them in front of me. There even was a married woman with a child, whom he saw 2x or 3x weekly through his job, who was way too friendly with him. Everything was under control till she found out I moved in with him. She went nuts. She started giving him presents: a CD with romantic music, a new car smell deodorant, pictures of herself,.... My stupid bf kept her presents in our car or in a box in his wardrobe. I was quiet until I found her pictures in our bedroom wardrobe. My bf firstly refused to get rid of them and didn't understand why I was freaking out. He meant nothing bad by it. He considered her his friend and he cared about her, he would do anything for her, but wasn't in love with her. He said if she called she needs him, he would go to her because he cares for her as a friend. I reminded him she had a husband and a child and there was no need for her to want anything from him. I reminded him that he should be putting me before her in order of importance. He even became stubborn. It took months and my total break down caused by this and another incident, that he by himself (I didn't ask any longer, I just felt trapped and had no job and no place to return to or go to, which caused havock in my head and emotions) threw out all her presents and even broke all contact with her. She haunted me in my mind for years to come. What if they accidentally run into each other and she starts again. Maybe he would fall in love with her after seeing me suffer like I did. Maybe he loves her and just doesn't admit it. Maybe he regrets meeting me and longs for her. Hell in my own head. Top of the tops was when after everything, we went swimming one day. We were lying on the beach, I noticed him heavily flirting with a young woman lying about 30 - 50metres away from us. He was shameless. She was shameless. As if I was his sister and not a partner. The girl looked like Sophia Ali, beautiful. After an hour of so watching them, I stood up, told him, that after giving up my whole life to be able to be with him and all the flirting and looking at other women in front of me and especially after Ana situation-the gift woman, I deserve much better. I took my things, looked at her so she could see how upset I was and left. He came running after me, started apologizing and saying he was stupid. He said that when I moved in with him, although he had invited me, he got scared. He realised how serious our relationship was and since he had never had a serious relationship before, he freaked out. Well, it took years of struggling to accept what he has done, to have faith with him. It took even one suicide attempt on my side. He has no idea. I never told him. He didn't realize. I took a bunch of sleeping pills. I heard him in the room. He thought I was sleeping and went back to his mommy. I wasn't sleeping, I was waking up and falling back into kind of a coma for hours and hours. Alone. He was his momma's boy and when she saw sth was wrong between us, she didn't ask what, she just started manipulating him into leaving me. After a year with almost no ocd, all that with him caused such strong anxiety that ocd just erupted like a volcano. I cried a lot, tried to make him understand how much he hurt me and that it is impossible for me not to doubt him. He changed. He got serious. We moved away from his mother and the city. It was hard, but in October it will be 18 years we've been married. As a punishment for him, I guess, God works in mysterious ways,he really fell in love with me and had to watch me suffering with ocd all these years. It took me almost 18 years to fully trust him again. It was all a pain in the bu... A lot of suffering and hard work. But it was worth it. I now really feel genuine love between us. Back to you: Your ex bf was not a kind person if he posted your photos for other people to see. He had no respect for you. In your shoes I would have also broken up with him. But now you are in a relationship with a kind and caring man. Not any more with the first one. Your now bf must be an awesome person since he understands you, your feelings and fears and wants to get through this together with you. Your ex bf killed your self esteem, your confidence and the way you feel about yourself. You are insecure. You have every reason to be. Even though you are in a new relationship, we are not machines and we can't turn off our memories and emotions. I am not even that sure that what you are going through is ocd related. I think a lot of the people, ocd or not, would end up feeling like you are after what you have been through with bf 1. In your shoes I would use every opportunity to do sth romantic and fun together, I would talk to him a lot. That way your self-esteem will get better, you will feel heard, supported and loved, you won't be scared of loving him and will feel worth for him to love you. He obviously already does. Your fear causes doubts. When he talks to other women, instead of your entire world collapsing ( that's how it felt for me), you could just observe him. If he talks to them in a normal way, no flirting, no touching, not too much laughter, just the way you talk to other man, you can be calm. You can tell him after that it wasn't easy for you to see him talk to that woman, but you realized he did it in a respectful manner which calms you down and you wish to thank him for respecting you. It will be hard the first 10, 20 times. And then you will stop worrying. You can't prevent things from happening. It's up to him how he will react. The only thing you can do at the moment is to see who he really is. He says he wants to be with you and would never hurt you. If his behavior supports his words, you have a good man and you too will get through this. Consider giving him the benefit of the doubt and just observing his behavior without freaking out as a kind of Erp. You have it a bit easiervthsn I did. You are starting fresh with a new person. I had to see the qualities in my then bf, now husband, that made me fall in love with him and see his efforts to change and get my trust back. That is hard. I made so many mistakes. I used to freak out if he looked directly at a woman's face or said something funny to another woman or even just looked at and spoke about any info he needed to a shop assistant at a shop. It was haaaard, for me and for him. Had that not happened to me, I might have been ocd free or at least not have such strong ocd. He knows that. I hope I wasn't too boring. I hope I didn't cross the line telling you what I think of your situation. All this came from my heart with nothing but the best wishes for you and your now bf. Give him a hug from me for loving you so much and supporting you. A mother like hug from me. I would never interfere. Don't do to other's what you don't want to be done to you. That is my motto. One of them. Give him a hug from you. And say thank you to him. As often as the opportunity occurs. And I am sending you as many hugs as you need to feel loved, supported, appreciated again. 🤗😇

Hi. Thank you for your kind words. It really makes a difference in how I've been feeling lately about my own worth. I am sorry for all your first boyfriend put you through. Love and sex should feel great not make you feel tense and anxious. But it will take time and patience and overcoming a lot of doubt and building closeness and trust for you and your bf to get there. It took me a very long time for the past not to sneak in at all the wrong moments, reminding me I should protect myself from being hurt and disappointed again. In every day life and intimacy. I am a bit concerned about him going to the beach with his friends alone. Do you know his friends personally? Have they accepted you? Have you had a chance to observe him behaving when he is with his friends, especially the two girls. You can also tell a lot by seeing the way the girls behave when they are talking to him or are close to him. He is your age or close probably. I know he is young. Girls grow up faster than most boys, especially if they fight mental disorders or illnesses like ocd, and that goes for both sexes equally. Ocd makes you grow up sooner than expected. I know he says he loves you and I understand he thinks his words should be enough for you. But.... I apologize if what I say next makes you feel irritated or upset.... that is in no case my intention and I know it's not even my place to butt in... I don't think he is very mature yet. Sorry. He most probably is a great person, he even loves you to the best of his ability, but there is something crucial missing. What is missing is that he isn't putting himself in your shoes. He knows what you had been through before you two met, he understands you were hurt, he tells you he won't hurt you. But he doesn't feel you, your pain, suffering. This is not an ocd issue. This is an issue of a mistreated person trying to get over all the heartache and pain and disappointment she went through. Ocd just emphasizes it. He understands you are suffering but just the words not the content of the words. He doesn't understand he is contributing to your pain and anxiety. Evethough he might never cheat on you, he does not understand what you need at the moment. If he is serious about you two together and if you mean to him more than his friends, which should be so in a serious relationship, then he should make some "sacrifices". His going to the beach with the two girls is inconsiderate and disrespectful to you. You have enough problems dealing with the discomfort and doubt when you see him talk to other women. Can't he imagine how hard it must be for you to know he is there with them, parading around in their bikinis, having fun while you are at home eating yourself alive from worrying. Would you do that to him if he was in your place and you in his? Would you be able to have fun knowing that your love is at home suffering? You probably wouldn't because you love him so much and wouldn't want to contribute to his pain, right? That is love. What he is doing is either being childish, not grown up or his actions don't equal his words. The truth is in the actions, not the words. He knows you, he decided to be and stay with you. He has a choice. But if he decided to stay with you after knowing all your problems and fears, he should take some part and responsibility in the process of making you more confident and feeling better. And especially he shouldn't cause you any unnecessary and planned discomfort. If my husband came up with plans and wishes like that, I don't think we would be married today. I know your bf didn't do anything wrong directly. But he is making a mistake now. He didn't manipulate, abuse or insult you, but he is being selfish in this case. There are other ways he could spend time with his friends. Now that he has a girlfriend, he can go to the beach with her=you, he can go with his friends for a pizza or drink, a hike,...... if he wants to be alone with them. Or he can introduce you to his friends and include you in what they are doing. If his friends don't accept and welcome you and if he cares about that, he is not the man of your life. Not yet. He needs growing up. If you were a carefree person with no previous bad experiences and you two would just be starting out, ok. I could understand that he wanted to spend time alone with his friends and you with yours. But even then, for a relationship to last, he needs to involve you sometimes in their getting togethers, and vice versa. Can you make him see that? If he is not ready to do this for you, he should not be in a relationship with you. He will unknowingly and unintentionally hurt you. He might feel love towards you, but it won't last. You need to be each other's best friends, put each other in front of your friends and anyone else, if you want the relationship to work long-term. Yes, have friends. But why not in the ways that does not exclude the other. I know it is hard to read my words. But you have all the world in front of you. And true love is very hard to find these days. People give up on people and their relationships too easily. They look for cons in partners more than the pros. There will be tensions, disagreements, days when one of you will be in a bad mood for whatever reason. Here being the best friends comes in as the relationship savior. No matter what is going on you don't forget the love for each other. You don't equal their bad mood or difference in opinions to who they are. You feel all those things about them that made you fall in love with each other. That is how relationships work out for good. Talk a lot, do things together, laugh together, hug a lot or just sit leaning on each other, surprise each other with small gestures like sending I love you text message to each other when you are not expecting it, or watching TV together, going for a walk,... And do it always, even after 30 years of being married. Life is hard it throws so many obstacles in your way. People change and grow. You need to make sure you grow together and not appart. Like in building a building. The good solid foundations are the most important. Also in a relationship. You are now setting the base for everything in you relationship that comes later. If you don't form a strong connection now, the relationship will break down at even the smallest wrecking ball life sends towards you. And it will. I just hope as rarely as possible. I know I am an outsider. I don't know him or you. But I feel your pain and since I guess I have met life and it's surprises more than you, due to me being older, I hope I can make it easier for you to get where I am but with a lot less obstacles and mistakes. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. Don't yell. Don't attack. In a very calm, loving, respectful way, make him understand that since he decided to be your bf, your fears should matter to him enough not to cause more. He might surprise you. That would probably be a life changing moment for you. If he doesn't understand, don't do this to yourself. It will probably never get better. Imagine going through the emotional torture like this one, when he wants to go to the beach with his friends, for years and years to come. In time you would start to hate him for doing that to you. Love is not all butterflies. But it is beautiful if both people understand what love is. I feel so sorry I wrote so much and that I am giving you advice, which I don't mean for it to sound like I am ordering you, but it probably does. I am sorry. I don't want to cause any tension in your relationship. You decide what is best for you. I just offer my opinion, if it matters at all. I know I should keep it to myself more often. I wish you and him to find each other, start a different kind of relationship. Where your feeling safe, calm and secure with him will be as important as you showing him love and gratitude for what he is doing for you both. I know you have more than enough of me being Smart Alec. But if you need someone to hear you, someone third, you are covered. Hugs. Much luck, peace and love to you. ♥️