Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

How can I stop looking?

I am too aware/hypervigilant of any kind of wound/blemish on another person and it sends me into a big bout of anxiety (blood disease fear)... I want to learn to stop this behaviour, as it is extremely disruptive to my life and causes me to not want to leave the house, not even to do groceries--I can't use Instacart because I don't trust them with this... Going to work, since I deal with the public, is like one giant migraine. I used to be so focused and hardworking, thinking only of the task at hand, but now... being on high alert for this and running to the back room to write a "journal"/ sanitize my gloves is incredibly disruptive. It got bad on Tuesday--to the point where I was doing it almost every ten minutes. This is a fairly recent development and I want to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control because I feel it could really escalate this mental illness to a place where my life collapses. I'm trying to trust myself in that I do NOT in fact touch them, but the mental battle is exhausting and all I want to do is hide... or cry. Does anyone have any advice to share?

VGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey, sorry you're going through this. Try to keep in mind that at the root of this fear is uncertainty. No matter what the content, OCD wants absolute certainty, which is impossible. No matter how many times you sanitize, check, avoid places like the grocery store, you can never be 100% certain. This is why they call OCD "the doubting disorder". When my doubt and uncertainty (and all the horrible feelings that accompany them) gets loud, I remind myself that these are OCD thoughts, I can never be 100% certain, I allow the thoughts to be there (no compulsions-anything that functions to relieve my distress). Most importantly, I accept that I'm going to feel anxious and that's ok, I'm resisting doing things that only make my OCD worse. The more you try and be certain, the less certain you will be. Resisting these urges is tough work, but so is doing what you're doing. I'm here to tell you if you stop the compulsions, life will be so much better. A great book I always recommend is "Needing to Know for Sure" by Winston and Seif. Hope this helps!

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

@VGH That’s great perspective. Took screenshot for fast access. Good tips. This is all nightmare-ish mind games with ourselves, at the end of the day.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

I get what you're saying, truly, but at the end of the day I'm trying to make sure what I'm doing is okay and that I don't have to go to my doctor for a blood test every three months, as you can only know if you have the disease I fear (more specifically infecting someone else in turn) through one... Logically I know I do not engage in risky behaviour, but the fear is still there at every turn. Thank you for your advice!

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

Maybe make a list of daily behaviors that you do, just randomly as you think of them, to maintain your short-term sanity. Put them in order, from hardest to easiest. Choose the easiest to quit. Keep at it until it’s automatically adopted. Then go to the next in line & piggy back onto the first one. In my case, I’ve just had random periods of remission. Not there right now. Making myself not wash my bedsheets daily. Or put bleach on my plastic mattress cover. Trying to be normal for my dog and accept her scant dandruff.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

I'll try that. I also have to work on not responding as quickly... I work at a chain pharmacy and I even have to avoid going back there because they do vaccines and have a sharps return program. My brain likes to question whether or not I've put my hand in a sharps container too. (like wtf brain...) With this going on my job is more stressful now than the entirety of COVID and I worked 40 hours a week through the whole thing. Thank you again, friend.

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

Not advice so much, just consolation. I’ve been a mom, and an ER doc for years. Exposed to needle stick (1), abscesses, MRSA, VRE, TB, scabies, etc. Let my dog sleep with me in my bed for years. Then after I retired, one day out of the blue I was convinced I was “infested” with some kind of parasite. Sometime it would be a speck of dust, dog dandruff, a baby feather from down comforter would look like a worm. Because I’m trained, I know the sterile technique. Imagine struggling to turn your whole environment into a sterile OR. Emotionally exhausting.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

My goodness, and here I was thinking I have it rough dealing with customers in a retail setting (people do not care about anything or anyone when they step in my store) ... I mean the good news is you're still here, against all of that! Thanks for reaching out, and I wish you the best of luck as well. You can do it!

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 Thank you so much. It’s great having a community dealing with the same problem, just in different flavors. It’s amazing how we will fold ourselves into compulsion pretzels just to ease the pain of the obsessions.

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

Wow that’s a huge burden! Being daily exposed to sharps boxes and having intrusive thoughts that you put your hands in them. Keep telling yourself you would totally know if you actually put your hands in the boxes because they engineered them to make that physically impossible.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

Oh yes, I know all of this logic. I've even asked a tech and another colleague about that... both confirmed that, and to break in you'd need some tools. All I carry is a flimsy little boxcutter. Not to mention the fact that I would NEVER do that... hell I don't even want to LOOK at the things or be in the same ROOM as them. I have... avoided being the one to make deliveries back there for a few days. It sucks because I like going to the different departments and chatting with folks. I like all of my team members and I hate avoiding them out of anxiety. I do tell myself, but brain likes to pull the "what if you did X and just forgot," and I can't risk combing my memories because I've had those play tricks on me too, so I just... do my best to move on. I am trying to live in trust. Again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to chat with me. I appreciate your kindness immensely!

ErinR2015

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 Ooh! I have another idea: buy a brand-new needle waste box for yourself and bring it home. Put it on your nightstand or in your kitchen or bathroom. Carry it around with you. Try to open it (without tools) or stuff your hands in it daily.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

@ErinR2015 I thought about a situation of ERP where I would sit with one in my lap and just sit there and realize I am NOT putting my hands inside Truthfully I don't really want to know HOW to break into one, because right now I can tell myself, "how could I have done that? I have no clue HOW to even open one!" I think just knowing I'm not stupid enough to try (and have NO motivation to--ever, at all) is how I will fight this. That kind of faith in myself--and in general with others who don't have intrusive thoughts like this--can be around them and just disregard their presence. That's what I aim to reachieve. I've worked at this job for nearly eight years and never even gave them a second thought until a few months ago when the first "sharps thought" (as I label them) happened. Thank you for your suggestion! Maybe keeping one in the corner of my room or something could desensitize me... hm.

ynnej

Date posted: 25w

What do I do?

For the past couple of months, I’ve had a really big fear of like my hand basically going down there or objects going down there and like being contaminated. This basically leads me to be scared of being on my own and doing things without people near (because if I do everything in front of someone they would tell me if I did something), also tucking my shirt. This started last October too and I remember crying for like hours everyday. Now I’m better but I do compulsions like tucking my shirt in a specific way so I know my hand couldn’t reach there. I’m scared to even get ready for the day, brush my teeth, etc with my shirt untucked because I’m scared those objects will be contaminated or I’ll do something to contaminate them. I’ve been trying to stop this compulsion of tucking my shirt in for a while but I’m not really going anywhere.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

How do I snap out of it? Any suggestions?

I'm new and I'm really trying to control thoughts of replaying interactions I've had or things I think might happen with the people around me. This is something constant, and it causes me to repeat actions. Then I lose track of time and often end up being late. It has always affected my sleep and becomes a part of my dreams, which are also always vivid. It's always been hard for me to get up. I just constantly keep replaying different outcomes of things that it haven't happened yet going over every possible outcome with no correct answer. I'm scared of what I might say and do when at work because it's been getting worse lately. I've been terrified of socializing, because I feel like I'm going to lose it every time I speak to someone. I work directly with people doing their hair. I don't want my clients or co-workers to catch me in the act of one of my rituals or it to effect the job that I'm doing. It just makes me angry that I haven't been able to control these thoughts and it makes the rituals worse. Then I feel embarrassed after I finally stop repeating whatever it is, I'm doing. I feel like I can't trust anyone, and I’m terrified but I know it's not real. I can't afford to lose it/show it.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

Seeking advice on my contamination OCD

So I have pretty intense contamination OCD tied to Moral/Real event OCD, and I'm having a hard time with it because part of me does genuinely believe my logic checks out, and I was hoping to get some insight as to how to change the way I see it from other people who sort of get the mindset involved :). To sum it up as well as I can, I basically have a very souped-up version of the same item-event association most people have. For example, let's say you have a HORRIBLE, GOD AWFUL relationship with a person you can't even begin to think of favorably even years after the event. They had gotten you a stuffed animal for your anniversary at some point. You finally "escape" the relationship, and you throw away the stuffed animal. This is seen as a very normal and sound-of-mind action. Here's where things get tricky: For me, throwing out that stuffed animal wouldn't be enough. After all, it touched my table didn't it? And my table touched the floor right? And these things now carry that person's germs. And if I don't get rid of them, then they'll infect my future belongings. This logic isn't entirely flawed either, as even my OCD specialist said he believes in a "weaker version of what I do". How am I supposed to convince myself that what I'm believing is false when the literal psychologist confirmed that what I'm doing is just a more in-depth version of a normal experience? Ex: I have a new outfit, fresh and clean. I'm unbothered and happy, but I knick the side of a table. The table holds awful associations. I get this awful sense of dread. The clothes are now somewhat sullied, and I'll eventually have to give them away. I don't think I'm explaining this as well as I could, but I feel like those notions are there. Anyways, does anyone have any insight as to how to get my mind to genuinely believe that interacting with these things is "safe"?

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