- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
you’re so right. i just don’t get it. one day i was sure of who i was, what i liked, who i wanted to be with, and who i saw my future with but the next day it was completely upside down. i was never afraid of being gay before this,,, i had never even thought of it. i was always so secure and knew what i liked that it didn’t even register in my brain that it could be a possibility. i don’t even know when or how the thought came but i just remember being in a complete panic. “omg what if i’m gay what if i’ve been gay this whole time what if i’ve just been lying to myself” and the most goes on and on as you probably know haha. i would always (and still do) think, “omg what if i’m gay. mom and dad are gonna kill me. everyone’s going to hate me. no one will support me or love me anymore. they’ll just leave me”. my HOCD mainly revolves around other people. i always worry about what if i’m gay? and then... what will mom and dad think? what will grandma and grandpa think? what will happen to me? i’m scared of the aftermath. that’s what this is all about. and it’s so much different than other themes because while other people fear things that seem very irrational and nearly impossible, i KNOW how my family would react to me being gay. if that makes sense. sorry u had to read all that!! i got carried away hahah
- Date posted
- 5y ago
That’s exactly how I was I was TERRIFIED of telling my family my thoughts and fears like I might secretly be gay. You’re exactly right though that’s the ocd part of the fear, cause you know you’re really not but you’re ocd makes you continuously doubt yourself and it sucksss! Ocd is egodystonic Whig makes us ruminate on things that are the opposite of what we want, are, etc. I was so embarrassed to tell my family my thoughts I was sobbing uncontrollably when I did and my mom looked at me and laughed and said “youre not gay, got ocd honey!” Luckily for me my mother so has ocd as well so it was easy for her to recognize it in me but when she told me I was like, “what!?!” And then I learned the real truth that ocd wasn’t just neat freak habits and perfectionism, rather our worse fears on steroids. Hope this helps, feel free to share this with your family if you do decide to tell them!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hi Sophiaa, no problem I get carried away a lot. It's a part of OCD and anxiety, I always end up sending novels to people instead of short messages haha our brains are overactive. Anyway, not all parts of our thoughts are irrational. For example, thinking that people would get hurt if the house was on fire is not irrational, but thinking that you left the stove on when you just checked it 10 seconds ago is. Does that make sense? So, thinking you might be gay when you have never been attracted to the same gender in the past is irrational, but thinking that your family wouldnt like it if you were gay is rational. There is usually a little reality in our thoughts, otherwise we wouldn't get so anxious about them.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
that could not make more sense. this helped me so much. everything tends to blend in my brain and i guess i couldn’t really differentiate the two but now i can after reading that. thank you SO much!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
My story is also same
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I had HOCD for a while when I was in high school...it stopped once I realised that someone's sexuality wasn't so important. After I stopped caring about it, I realised I was heterosexual as I was/am attracted to men and not women. Having bisexual and homosexual friends has also helped me, as I realised being gay/bi isn't something to be scared of at all. My family are not very homophobic though which probably made a big difference in my case as if I had turned out to be gay/bi it would have only been ignorant kids in school I would have had to deal with and honestly I got bullied every day anyway as my school was horrible... Without homophobia HOCD wouldnt exist because no one would be scared about being gay. Unfortunately society still has a long way to go...
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Your last sentence is not correct. Even if there wasn't homophobia, HOCD would still be around. I have nothing against gays, what they do is their own business, and not anyone else's. Like me, I always liked girls, always had multiple crushes, but I never asked a girl out bc I have low self esteem. (I'm working in it?) A year ago i created HOCD by over thinking a nightmare (hocd related) and here I am, living the hocd of life. Homophobia has nothing to do with it. OCD makes you think that you're something you don't want to be. I'm 20 years old and I always liked girls, but the last year I have been dealing with Hocd and I hate my life. I just want to date girls and not the other way around.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Maxt32 if there was no stigma around being gay then OCD wouldn't latch onto it. It's subconscious. Just the same as if we lived in a world where people didn't get bullied for being "unattractive" there wouldn't be any body dysmorphia. You don't have to he homophobic to have HOCD, I never said that. Just the same as you don't have to dislike unattractive people to have body dysmorphia.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sophiaa glad I could help :) Take care!!!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 16w ago
I’m really struggling with something related to me ocd, and I would appreciate kind and supportive advice. If you can’t relate or don’t think anything you have to say would be helpful, I kindly ask pls refrain from commenting this is a really sensitive topic for me. Recently, I’ve noticed a pattern that feels something extremely new and distressing. The first time it happened I remember telling myself before self pleasuring that I am in control no matter what thought comes into my mind because I wanted to prove to myself that these thoughts are just from OCD and I know who I am and an intrusive that came out of no where, and i suddenly felt an intense fear that I was acting on it. In the moment I genuinely felt like I did. And afterword, I panicked and started questioning myself. This SAME FEELING has happened three times in a row each time, the intrusive thought was unwanted and random, and completely against my morals most recently it involved pocd and it feels even worse because it generally felt like I acted on it the thought in the moment while I was self pleasuring the panic doesn’t hit until afterwards when I stop :/ I start thinking that maybe I generally made a mistake and I’m now just realizing that it’s wrong because it generally feels like that :( but when I actually think about it again goes against my morals and values doesn’t make sense it feels incredibly real, and I can’t seem to shake this feeling off that I may have acted on it I’m terrified because I never wanted these thoughts in the first place. And I definitely didn’t choose them. If I had known, I would’ve had these intrusive thoughts I wouldn’t have self pleasured in the first place but it’s extremely hard to convince myself that this may be OCD because I feel like I have no other reason to believe that I didn’t act on it :/
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 14w ago
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 10w ago
I’ve shared on here before that I don’t have the best relationship with my parents but I still care for them a lot. I love them. This disorder has been so debilitating for the last 4 months. It keeps getting worse. It’s been attacking any physical contact with my parents. Any touches, hugs, playful jabs, caresses, anything. Anything that’s supposed to be pure and loving. My brain jumps to it being inappropriate, or weird or just comparing it to something sexual. Then I just feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m just hyperaware of how I feel, I tense up badly or if I’m checking how I feel. I don’t know. It breaks my heart. It genuinely hurts so bad. I feel like a child who just wants to cry in her parents’ arms but OCD is trying to take them away. This feels so painful, I’ve been dealing with so many themes but this specific situation hurts the most. I feel devastated and scared. If anyone else has been through this or has any advice, I’d really appreciate it. And if not, just knowing that someone heard me would mean a lot. I feel so deeply sad.
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