- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
you’re so right. i just don’t get it. one day i was sure of who i was, what i liked, who i wanted to be with, and who i saw my future with but the next day it was completely upside down. i was never afraid of being gay before this,,, i had never even thought of it. i was always so secure and knew what i liked that it didn’t even register in my brain that it could be a possibility. i don’t even know when or how the thought came but i just remember being in a complete panic. “omg what if i’m gay what if i’ve been gay this whole time what if i’ve just been lying to myself” and the most goes on and on as you probably know haha. i would always (and still do) think, “omg what if i’m gay. mom and dad are gonna kill me. everyone’s going to hate me. no one will support me or love me anymore. they’ll just leave me”. my HOCD mainly revolves around other people. i always worry about what if i’m gay? and then... what will mom and dad think? what will grandma and grandpa think? what will happen to me? i’m scared of the aftermath. that’s what this is all about. and it’s so much different than other themes because while other people fear things that seem very irrational and nearly impossible, i KNOW how my family would react to me being gay. if that makes sense. sorry u had to read all that!! i got carried away hahah
- Date posted
- 5y ago
That’s exactly how I was I was TERRIFIED of telling my family my thoughts and fears like I might secretly be gay. You’re exactly right though that’s the ocd part of the fear, cause you know you’re really not but you’re ocd makes you continuously doubt yourself and it sucksss! Ocd is egodystonic Whig makes us ruminate on things that are the opposite of what we want, are, etc. I was so embarrassed to tell my family my thoughts I was sobbing uncontrollably when I did and my mom looked at me and laughed and said “youre not gay, got ocd honey!” Luckily for me my mother so has ocd as well so it was easy for her to recognize it in me but when she told me I was like, “what!?!” And then I learned the real truth that ocd wasn’t just neat freak habits and perfectionism, rather our worse fears on steroids. Hope this helps, feel free to share this with your family if you do decide to tell them!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hi Sophiaa, no problem I get carried away a lot. It's a part of OCD and anxiety, I always end up sending novels to people instead of short messages haha our brains are overactive. Anyway, not all parts of our thoughts are irrational. For example, thinking that people would get hurt if the house was on fire is not irrational, but thinking that you left the stove on when you just checked it 10 seconds ago is. Does that make sense? So, thinking you might be gay when you have never been attracted to the same gender in the past is irrational, but thinking that your family wouldnt like it if you were gay is rational. There is usually a little reality in our thoughts, otherwise we wouldn't get so anxious about them.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
that could not make more sense. this helped me so much. everything tends to blend in my brain and i guess i couldn’t really differentiate the two but now i can after reading that. thank you SO much!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
My story is also same
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I had HOCD for a while when I was in high school...it stopped once I realised that someone's sexuality wasn't so important. After I stopped caring about it, I realised I was heterosexual as I was/am attracted to men and not women. Having bisexual and homosexual friends has also helped me, as I realised being gay/bi isn't something to be scared of at all. My family are not very homophobic though which probably made a big difference in my case as if I had turned out to be gay/bi it would have only been ignorant kids in school I would have had to deal with and honestly I got bullied every day anyway as my school was horrible... Without homophobia HOCD wouldnt exist because no one would be scared about being gay. Unfortunately society still has a long way to go...
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Your last sentence is not correct. Even if there wasn't homophobia, HOCD would still be around. I have nothing against gays, what they do is their own business, and not anyone else's. Like me, I always liked girls, always had multiple crushes, but I never asked a girl out bc I have low self esteem. (I'm working in it?) A year ago i created HOCD by over thinking a nightmare (hocd related) and here I am, living the hocd of life. Homophobia has nothing to do with it. OCD makes you think that you're something you don't want to be. I'm 20 years old and I always liked girls, but the last year I have been dealing with Hocd and I hate my life. I just want to date girls and not the other way around.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Maxt32 if there was no stigma around being gay then OCD wouldn't latch onto it. It's subconscious. Just the same as if we lived in a world where people didn't get bullied for being "unattractive" there wouldn't be any body dysmorphia. You don't have to he homophobic to have HOCD, I never said that. Just the same as you don't have to dislike unattractive people to have body dysmorphia.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sophiaa glad I could help :) Take care!!!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 16w ago
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 14w ago
Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.
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