- Date posted
- 2y
pocd relapse. horrifying thoughts that may be true
I've recently had these thoughts weighing in my mind: maybe the reason that I get "triggered" when I see a k** it's because I'm secretely a **** and I'm simply in denial. There is a reason that normal people don't think of anything when they see a k** whilst I immediately feel weird and feel like looking inaproppriately, I immediately notice inappropriate parts of the body and they make me feel strange and uncomfortable, and the fact itself that I noticed those parts in the first place bother me a lot because I know I wouldn't be concerned if those same parts (like low area) that I noticed were instead of a male friend, in fact I wouldn't even notice them at all and I wouldn't feel that triggering unclear sensation in the first place, I would just see as a "whole" and not as specific inappropriate parts. That's se&ualization. It means that my brain is se&ualizing those innocent beings. Because if I weren't I wouldn't have been concerned or had noticed those parts in the first place, the whole point for why I feel that way is because my brain automatically tries to "se&ualize" those specific innocent beings even though I don't want it, maybe is a self-sabotage mechanism. But the point is that nothing would be weird if I wasn't automatically se&ualizing in the first place. This is the thoughts that I've been having and they seem very plausible and true, and it makes me feel like that I'm trying to ignore the hard but simple truth. I wish someone could tell me that I wasn't se&ualizing and that it was just all ocd's fault or like "false attraction" type of thing. I usually avoid looking at those private parts at all cost because they make me feel a triggering but unclear sensation and that unclear thing is what bothers me because I can't tell for sure if I'm really disgusted because of all my doubts and with how my brain internalizes and absorbs the disgust (I think is disgust because whenever I happen to notice I feel a sudden spike of anxiety as if I suddenly got shot or tazed and I feel like I did something disgusting and I feel very wrong and unsettled, but what if I'm mistaken and that unclear sensation was just attraction?) But sometimes instead of avoiding I do the exact opposite, I keep staring, and I don't know why I do that, I feel uncomfortable and strange and I wish I could just not notice at all like normal people do and didn't feel the urge to avoid or to stare at all. People say that this behavior is "compulsive checking" to see if you're attracted or not, but I don't really know about that, I can't explain why I do that because it feels an impulsive action without much thought behind it, like immediately doing something you're not told to (ex. "don't look behind you") the reason I think I do that it'a because my brain is pushing me to do the exact opposite of what I don't want to do, like in a self-sabotage way, and maybe I do that because I'm psychologically inclined and "thrilled" to break a rule (?) as an act of rebellion, like for example: when you know you shouldn't do something and because of that exact thing you want to do to that. I hope that if this consideration was true that the culript was ocd (like a "don't think of a purple elephant" type of shit) and not me willingly choosing to stare. What are the chances that I have ocd instead of being simply a ****? I mean, these horrible people exist and they were born like that. What if I too was born with a mental defect and that regardless of how I felt about it I was attracted by ____ and that I could do nothing to change that reality? I fear thar maybe it's not ocd, and that all the things that distressed me that happened in my mind, the things I "saw", that can still be explained and "justified" with ocd, are simply just what they seem to be: real attraction. I even had this disturbing and horrifying thought in my mind that I pray it was intrusive that said "why is it bad to be attracted by ___? I could easily see myself having that" and then followed by some of the worst thoughts that ever happened on humankind which I can't write about because it's truly so monstrous and abhorrent. I'm in denial: I fear that the answer to "was i staring inaproppriately? was i se&ualizing? was i attracted?" is simply: yes. And this conclusion was reinforced by today when I saw an instagram reel and felt like I was attracted by the little girl in the center, I was afraid that in my mind I was "appreciating" her body, that I was attracted. And this time the uncomfortable feeling that reassures me that I wasn't attracted came later than usual. I felt like I was genuinely attracted and it was different from other times where I could tell that it was false attraction.