Please help

I’m genuinely having such a bad panic attack i feel like i’m gonna burst out crying. I hate suffering like this so much i used to be so happy & carefree. i feel so upset right now it’s unreal. So for context, i suffer with severe pocd to the point i don’t leave my house much anymore bc i’m scared of getting triggered and i don’t spend time with my younger family members because of it. today my aunt asked me to go to the shops with her and at first i said yes but when i found out my 4 year old cousin was also going to be there i said no and kept making excuses. but then after i felt guilty as i was letting my aunt down so i said yes. and i even said to myself i can’t let ocd be in the way of living my life and this could be a good exposure. i was feeling super anxious to go and i really didn’t want to but i ended up going. i was super aware and stayed away from my younger cousin, even held her hand in a way where it wasn’t near me and i kept moving away from her bc i didn’t want to be near her as horrible as that sounds. anyway. this is the part that’s making me feel so so horrible. i was in the queue to pay and my cousin tapped me near my area to get my attention and i think i kind of stepped back but when i stepped back i think her hand sort of grazed my area. and i genuinely don’t know why i stepped back, i didn’t have bad intentions (even though ocd is questioning this) but i don’t know if i was just in flight or fight mode and did it or if i jusr did it? if that makes sense? i haven’t eaten, i feel like vomiting and i keep shaking. last thing i ever want to do is hurt anyone, especially kids. i overthink and am hyper aware of absolutely everything i do. i just don’t know why that happened. why me? i feel so heartbroken it’s unreal. id be grateful to anyone who can give advice/support. i feel like the worst person alive right now.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this. It's really hard but please be easy on yourself. I hope you were able to calm down and just take things easy. It sounds like your OCD is severely hurting you. Do you have access to therapy?

dreamerxo

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Thank you for replying. I do, i had my therapy yesterday and was feeling better about myself but today it’s just gone down the drain. now my minds like “i told you you shouldn’t have gone out look what’s happened” etc. it’s like i never get a break from this torture and i hate it. i never used to worry about things like this before the pocd. i genuinely feel heartbroken

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@dreamerxo I'm really glad to hear that you had a good session. What your mind is telling you is not a fair statement. It prepares itself for the worst to happen and because something that's triggering happened to you, it's trying to hold onto that. I think what happened all happened fast and it isn't something that you wanted to happen. The fact that you used to never worry about this prior to POCD says something. You'll be okay

dreamerxo

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Yeah i didn’t want it to happen at all. I literally had to prepare myself before i left the house because i was so afraid and anxious. and i tried being super aware of everything too whilst i was shopping to make sure nothing happened. but of course something ended up happening. It’s awful. The uncertainty of what if i did move back with bad intentions, or why did i move back, was it to avoid her as a knee jerk reaction or did i let it happen for a bit and then move back (not because i wanted to but because the ocd thoughts were in my mind at the time of moving back) it’s so hard to live with

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@dreamerxo This reminds me of something that had happened to me a year ago. An event where I don't think I'll ever gain full certainty of what my intentions were. I know I wouldn't want to hurt this person with what happened. I think it was a checking compulsion that involved making contact with people in tight spaces and it sent me to a downward spiral for a long time. It still kinda bothers me but not as much as before.

dreamerxo

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 it’s very traumatic to go through. i don’t think mine was a checking compulsion but i don’t know. i don’t even know how it happened, it’s so blurry to me even though it happened to me only a few hours ago. i’m pretty sure my intentions weren’t bad bc i was so self and hyper aware during the build up to that. i think when situations like that happen, ocd just puts those thoughts in our mind as to what can happen? i think me stepping back may have been because of that.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@dreamerxo Yeah, absolutely. You're totally right about that. I don't have 100% certainty about my situation and you don't for yours, but you know that your intentions weren't terrible. Please just be kind to yourself. What we're going through is very complicated and very stressful. Keep at it with therapy too!

dreamerxo

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 it is very stressful! it feels awful feeling like i acted on my thoughts by stepping back too. OCD is a horrible cycle.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@dreamerxo Hey. How are you feeling now? I hope it's calmed down

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 19w

I’m feeling bad now and scared

Hey everyone, I’m going through something that really shook me up and triggered my OCD. Today I was talking to my mom about how people in our family have been talking badly about my cousin, who’s 17 and pregnant. I haven’t told my cousin anything about what they’re saying, because I don’t want to add any stress to her. I’ve honestly tried to protect her from all the drama. But then my mom told me to be careful about what I say to her, because she’s really worried my cousin could have a miscarriage from stress. She said if that happened and I had told my cousin anything, it would be my fault. I think my mom meant it out of concern, like she just wants to protect my cousin—but the way she said it came off as really harsh and it hurt me. Especially because I’ve never said anything to my cousin and I would never want to cause her any stress. Now my OCD is grabbing onto that fear. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, it’s making me feel like, “What if something happens to the baby and it somehow ends up being your fault?” Logically, I know that doesn’t make sense. But the guilt and anxiety feel so real, and it’s hard to shake.

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

gorillazlove...

Date posted: 16w

worst moment of my life- PLS any advice/thoughts

four days ago now, i made a post talking about how the ocd moment i always imagined i’d have no future after if it ever happened actually did happen to me. to reiterate, i have a compulsion to look at every single woman’s chest i see, knowing that i will get some sort of physical feeling when i do it (most of the time). lately, instead of groinals, it’s been my mouth watering, which feels even more disgusting. i have avoided looking at any of my family members for a while because of this aspect of my ocd, especially as its gotten much worse. when i got to my moms apartment complex the other day, i saw a woman in the distance and compulsively looked at her chest and allowed myself to have that disgusting mouth watering in response. i looked up to see that it was my sister. like i said, i imagined that if i were to ever do this accidentally, i couldn’t imagine my life beyond it. i’d have to go. it’s been four days since this happened and i still cannot believe that it happened. every time i think about it i want to disappear forever. i haven’t gone to work or really gotten out of my bed, and am on my phone non-stop to keep my mind shut off. i dont know how to live from here. i feel like i secretly hope that someone will tell me it’s not that bad, but i know that it is truly horrible. in all these years i’ve never had an ocd moment even remotely as horrifying, real, and life-altering as this one. please, if anyone has dealt with something even remotely similar, please offer any advice or thoughts you feel like sharing. this feels like my end

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