- Date posted
- 2y
Rumination and moral scrupulosity
So I ruminate about morals and constantly try to "level up" my moral code by humouring and basically conversing/ figuring out my intrusive thoughts. If other. People's morals or genuinely innocent mistakes don't align with mine I get very triggered. Evil is the indifference of good men, according to my ocd. If they do something wrong I point it out as I feel like they're not aware and try to help them see the error in their ways so they can improve themselves like I feel like I do when I ruminate. If they don't agree I get angry very fast because I feel like they compromise me as a person. I have known there was something slightly different about me and tried self diagnosing most of my life but nothing really fit until I figured out I had ocd. There's a musician called NF that my friend introduced me to that actually helped as he raps about OCD. I am now getting therapy for Ocd and I'm determined to not only hit remission but to cure it. I don't care for the stats. There have been good days and bad and it's all progress. Identifying triggers isn't so bad but identifying my compulsions has proved challenging. The friend I have that helped me figure out I had ocd, I used. I get self centred with my own ruminations and make conversations about me to try figure myself out. I've done this over and over and pushed people away. This woman, I fell on love with and was probably in love with for a while before I told her but couldn't figure it out or acknowledge it because my brain had trained itself to avoid fear and anxiety over the course of 27 years. I was compartmentalizing and not realising. I had snapped at this woman, someone who wanted to help me out, one too many times. She is now not talking to me and may never again. I can compartmentalize my love her and avoid dealing with heart break pretty much on command but I'm choosing not to as I've discovered its a form of avoidance and I'm using it as exposure therapy. I want to know if she'll be in my life but haven't messaged her once. I need to learn to live with anxiety and uncertainty and trying to change my relationship with fear. This woman saved my life and she doesn't even know it. I found out I had ocd because of her, I wanted therapy so I didn't lose my friendship with her like I had with others before. My fear of losing her and the way my brains been trained to deal with fears made it hard for me to realise I loved her. I felt as if I would ruin the relationship because I knew I wasn't quite right. I actually lost her because I was scared and projecting my fears. I'm going to get better for me but because of her. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm going to beat ocd and I don't think it's the fight I thought it was. You don't fight the intrusive thoughts, you allow them in like anything else and make light of them. The compulsions need to identified and stopped. Hold off until you can't anymore, until you're going to have a panic attack, then hold off longer. Don't reassure yourself, encourage yourself, tell yourself, bring it on, is that all you got? " I experimented with exposure therapy and a phobia I had for years just to test it out as that's fear based too. It subsided on 4 minutes. Erp works. You can practice it with anything. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, scared or fills you with anxiety on a day to day basis, don't walk away from it. Don't seek comfort, seek discomfort. Don't look for your metaphorical comfort blanket. You'll be surprised and yes there is a learning curve with this but you'll figure it out. My friend gave me the key to get out of the cage I put myself in when I was 6. The cage I've slowly turned into a Palace over the years, my comfort zone. And as I've been renovating it, it's been pulled further and further into my own personal hell. I've stepped out of my caged Palace for the first time, not even knowing I was in one, or in hell. Now my journey begins and I will get myself out of this, I will get myself better. Screw the stats and keep moving. Every time I feel like relapsing, she pops into my head and push through it. I relapse occasionally but they are becoming less frequent the more I'm educated on my condition. I'll be free one day. Just keep moving because no one got anywhere by standing still.