Sad, real event POCD, 18+

I'm really sad with how porn messed me up so badly mentally. I have low self esteem, all I do is worry, OCD is such a problem, and I feel like I'm a criminal. I keep ruminating on a search I made two years ago that proved how much of an issue this is for me for many years. It was a search on an adult site that contained the words "lil sis" and I didn't look at it this way now because I doubt my intention was to ever see children at all. I would never want to do that, ever. But after the relapse I just broke down crying because of how much of a hold this addiction has on me. The worries came up after the fact and I just hate that this happened at all. I didn't get an inappropriate video moral wise but I just worry about how much damage this has caused. I often worry about the horrible things I've seen and looked up and today I'm still struggling with this and by accident I'm still seeing things that I'm very disturbed by.

OCDHaver

Date posted: 2y

This is exactly how I feel looking back at things I watched when I was younger, I know it wouldn’t do much reminded you you were young and that none of it matters now that you’ve matured and have become more aware, but just know that you’re allowed to move forward from OCD and the guilt

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Doesn't feel like I can move on at the moment. I just ponder up all of the stupid things this made me do when I was younger and only a few years ago like my post says. Some days I can, some days I just can't

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 2y

You're not alone. I deal with stuff just like this. OCD is likely making it harder for you to recover from your addiction but the fact that you want to recover at all makes you so strong !!! Unfortunately porn addiction desensitizes people to a lot of shit to the point that they don't realize what they're seeing or how something could be interpreted in a problematic way or whatever that may be. I think that you're trying to recover at all makes you very strong and it takes a lot of hard work.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I've been wanting to recover from this for many years now and it's hard. Feels impossible sometimes. The shame is high and I often feel putrid for just having to deal with it. All I worry about it how problematic those things could be and how it can one day get me in big trouble. I have a lot of problems just putting this aside. Anytime I just want to look at myself and just try to accept and love myself I just remember that I have a bunch of awful disgusting things that I'm hiding and then I feel terrible

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 If it makes you feel even the slightest bit better, I don't think you're terrible or putrid. just someone who made mistakes. I've made similar mistakes to you -- so you're not the only one who's been affected by this type of thing. Unfortunately we just live in a world that lacks nuance but that doesn't mean everyone will be against you.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@Northern_Downpour I wish I knew what to say. I just often feel terrible about all my screw ups. It doesn't seem to go away. I don't really know what to do

Ocd9239

Date posted: 2y

I understand how you feel, I first started consuming that stuff at a really young age. And now I'm back looking at it way more often, I also often worry and question if the video im watching isn't problematic, it even affects my POCD a lot.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

I'm sorry you're going through it all over again. I hope you can somehow find a way to stop watching it again. This is really a horrible thing to deal with

Canofbeans

Date posted: 22w

Adult content and OCD (18+)

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

EndOCD!

Date posted: 16w

I feel so guilty

I’m worried about times when Child P*rn or suspicious porn videos have come up in the past. I tend to use Twitter for porn and it’s not the most moderated app out there but I was never looking for videos or pictures or anything related to that. Unfortunately stuff still has popped up and I’m just worried about if my reaction was perfect because I have intense POCD I want to say it’s nearly as severe as it can get so I just feel as if I remember times when something suspicious came up and I stayed for a moment to make sure I wasn’t attracted or maybe left and came back to be sure I was safe and didn’t like it and I’m afraid this counts as seeking out or engaging in illegal content that would get me in trouble. I’ve never once looked this stuff up and anyone who creates saves distributed or likes this stuff I believe deserves prison time for life but I’m just so worried that I didn’t react in the way I should’ve I’m 20 years old so I’m relatively young and I’m jus worried about what this means about me any one else deal with anything similar?

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Sad, real event POCD, 18+

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