I feel like I'll end up like my father one day.

TW!!! I was born with dr*gs in my system as an illegitimate child; alone, tired, sick, rashy, dirty, and unloved. This became the first nearly 4 years of my life. I had no fear of strangers and believed that the pain I felt was just "normal." I did not know how to be bathed, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. All I knew was the dark, the itchiness, and the pain. I was brought to my parents' house on Feburary 18th, 2011, along with my brother who suffered from horribly deadly bronchitis and pneumonia at 4 months old, also dirty. Growing up with my new- no, my true family- I learned what love was. I learned what a smile, a hug, a goodnight story was. I learned that you celebrate birthdays and there's a thing called Christmas where you get presents for behaving well. I learned that life was more than suffering. Then, I never grew up. Some days I was mature, while other days I would act younger and was scrutinized by my peers. I couldn't understand for the life of me, why I seemed so different. I was 6 when I realized that I wasn't like everyone else. I realized that talking out of turn or getting super excited because I saw a catepillar or being bubbly and humorous was almost unacceptable. "Grow up," "why do you act like this?" "What is wrong with you??" The nightmares started too. I'd be in an alleyway or in my bed and someone would put a g*n to my head, make me do whatever they wanted. I don't remember any SA before this, but my biomom did have many guys over when I was little. I learned to eventually LIKE those dreams. I wasn't scared anymore, I just learned that I had to s*duce them in order to k*ll them so that I don't d*e. To this day, I still have them. I became angry at myself for not hitting that "normal," no matter how hard I tried. I was scared of being abandoned again. Scared of being alone. Tired of not feeling enough. I would snap any time I felt like I disappointed someone or someone tried to put me down. I would threaten whoever tried to bully me that I would st*b them. And I did with a sharpened pencil or a mechanical pencil because I was just so TIRED of feeling like I wasn't enough. This started 3rd grade and ended in 6th. The insults grew from just "Why can't you be normal?" "What is wrong with you??" to "You're a psychopath." "Crazy b*tch!!" When I'm angry, I laugh hysterically. I started not to care in the slightest, and embraced their insults, although, this lasted only about a month. 7th grade happened, and puberty hit, causing my BPD to really develop and spiraled into panic attacks and severe depression. I started to have SI, which was only fueled by the s*icide of a classmate. 8th grade was covid, and I was better because no one was calling me names or challenging me, but people now feared me. It felt good to have that control: I wasn't being hurt anymore. After 8th grade, a lot of my friends didn't want anything to do with me. In 9th grade I was manipulated and SAed by people I thought were my friends. But I didn't want to be alone again, so I listened to them and no one else, not even my parents. I was so under their control, if they told me to jump off a bridge because I could fly, I wouldn't hesitate. In tenth grade, I went to my current school and wasn't bothered with, but the damage was done. I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared, and just exhausted. In the summer of that year, I bought a burner phone and flirted with men up to 35 years older than me for the attention. I just wanted someone to like me, maybe even love me. I became obsessed and when the WiFi was disconnected from it, I flipped out. I ran away for almost 24hours before the cops found me. I was then sent to a residential in Oklahoma (that was literal hell) and was threatened and ab*sed there. I came home nearly 2 years ago and I'm still struggling from the trauma. Now, I have a fiance and my family, but that's it. I have a ton of medical and mental issues that hurt me daily. Everyday is hard, but I finally want to live. I want to love. I want to be free.

Before I start this let me preface with this: My dad was abusive and would scream and hit me. Me and my girlfriend just came back yesterday from a long trip in the Bay, surrounded by family and getting little to no sleep, even before we went to the Bay. I had work today, a long, stressful shift. I come home and find out that not 1, but 3 of her friends are spending the night. This would be fine but they are spending the night in our small, hot, stuffy room, on the second bed. I am getting so upset. I feel like I havent had a break at all from people and I'm getting so overstimulated and angry at myself. I keep getting the visions and compulsions of screaming at them like my dad would or straight up just snapping at them. It's all in my head. There's just a pit of rage in my stomach. I don't want to hurt them but my brain wants me too. I'm so mad at myself for even thinking about this. If it wasn't 100 degrees I would have taken a walk but the heat just stresses me even more. I don't want to be my dad. Ever. He always told me that I got the darker part of his brain and inherited his mindscape, and he always said it with pride and I feel so upset.

I started writing this last night, but regrettably deleted it. I fell back in that mindset that maybe what I'm healing with-(see what I did there) isn't that big of a deal, and what's the point. I'm not sure if anyone will stay until the end of my note, but in some ways I find relief in that. I'm 22 years old and this MIGHT be the first time I've felt like I'm truly stepping out. I want to talk about 3 things, and they may at first appear questionable, random and confusing but if you stay it will all come together. 1) Regret 2) Envy and bitterness 3) A change. Starting with 1 regret. My regrets go far and wide, but when they do make an appearance in my life they rush in like flood. Every decision I've made whether good or bad seems to cloud my judgement and I can't think straight. I'm on carousel living my life in a constant what-if state. I've started writing back in 2017, and I was writing everything; stories, songs, poems, you name it. My regret is that maybe if I would've taken it more seriously, pushed myself a little harder, started small that maybe it could've sky rocketed me and my family. My mom always told me that that greatest singers like Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, etc. (I can't remember) started singing in the church, and she encouraged me that was where I needed to start. But I didn't listen, and dropped it entirely. I was young, and impatient. I still write to this day, but I absolutely dream of making music videos, and acting on a TV show or movie. There is a time and place for everything, so maybe it wasn't my time to find out that this is what I really enjoy. I still have a hard time grabbing the reigns of regret, but I know it doesn't control me I control what it does to me. 2) Envy and bitterness- boy oh boy where do I even begin? There is something interesting in my life that happens quite often, and maybe to others but it happens to me. Let's say for example I was the first person to discover an orange. Rarely anybody else or a few people know what an orange is, but I KNOW what an orange is. Let's say about a few months past and now EVERYBODY has an orange, and it lost its oranginess. I'm going somewhere with this I promise. When I start to do something, or discover something it doesn't take long for me to start seeing it everywhere- this correlates to 3. When I lost my virginity for the rest time almost 2 years ago, the idea of starting a family or being pregnant never peeked my interest before. But then like a tidal wave or a butterfly affect one after another over and over again I saw people getting pregnant, starting families with their boyfriend and girlfriends (which by the way I don't judge people who do, but me personally I need to be married). It started slowly, but soon everyone everywhere was getting pregnant, and having babies. I've never seen anything like that before I had sex, and it felt as if the world was rubbing it in my face and mocking me. Overtime I became bitter and envious on the inside. I quickly scrolled, looked away or zoned out anytime anyone talked about being pregnant or giving birth. My heart was turning ice cold every day by this, and when my own shame and regret about having sex outside of marriage kicked in it was game over. I began to project my own mistakes into their lives, and if they were struggling whether through financially, or their relationship I wouldn't feel bad because I was like they knew what they were doing, they knew the outcome and did it anyways. I couldn't be genuinely happy for them or anyone because I couldn't let go of the feeling that it was supposed to be me. And everything else was just a mix of the regret that I felt about having sex, and me feeling like it wasn't popular or common until I started. I want to teach my future children good morals, love, respect and I know that when I have kids that my life is in a way over because now my attention and full-time is raising this kid to be a good person that was why I felt like I couldn't be happy and it should've been me. But I know better now, I think better, and I'm getting better. I pray to God to lift it from my heart, and I feel awful about some of things that I thought- I never ever wished death on anybody but they weren't friendly thoughts either. I judged, and became awfully bitter but I want to move on and let that go. Sorry I rambled at the end there, lastly 3, goodness gracious buckle up please. I'm sure most of you know who BTS is the Kpop group, and remember how I said in 2 how when I find or discover something it feels like it becomes popular so quickly yea.. BIGG yea. I found BTS in 2016 when they came out with their WINGS album. I became engulfed and it was a whole other world for me. I watched everything Kpop not just them, but compilation clips, live shows, edits, MM Countdown everything! I knew they had a name for the youngest and oldest person in their group, I knew inside jokes, personal stories I felt like I knew it all. I don't like hardcore rap music, or what everyone else might listen to I felt that I had found my group, my band, my second close private family. That even though we might've never met I swear we knew everything about each other. They knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. And then when they started collaborating with American artist I couldn't stand it at all, and it was even worse when they collaborated with Nicki Minaj. The same people who I didn't want to listen were the main ones they were collaborating with. I'm not trying to sound uptight but BTS, BlackPink, Twice they all sung and were about two separate things. No offense but Nicki Minaj, Meghan, Latto and Glorilla all in some only produce music about sex. The message are two different things and I just think more and higher for them, to not lower themselves to that. It felt alot easier to meet BTS, only issue was the distant but now it's nearly impossible. I would do anything to meet them, and just tell them that I know them. And all of that what I said goes to all of them not just BTS, Twice and BlackPink included. Their lyrics, their message has changed in some way to me personally and the only good thing that I FEEL is the women they do collaborate with don't do a whole lot of cussing. That's it. If you made it this far how do you feel lol? I am working on myself daily, praying for those who I have become bitter towards because I don't need and can't afford to miss my blessing over roots the enemy placed in my heart. And I'm always gonna love BTS, I miss them. I miss seeing their faces, hearing their voice I just can't bring myself to look them up now. Thank you for staying if you did. God Bless you, and keep you. I love you all. *hearts*