Confusing feelings

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

For the past week, I’ve been feeling pretty good about my relationship. I wanted to be closer to them and I felt really affectionate. I had no issue talking to them all day. Sure there were some slip ups here and there, but for the most part, I would go back to feeling better but around last night I started getting these numb feelings again, and I didn’t think much of it because I knew it wasn’t going to last however, these feelings have now bled into today now I feel disgusted at the thought of doing anything with them, which is strange because just two days ago I wanted to be all over them I was almost obsessed with them now I feel off putt by any flirting or anything of the sort and it’s making me sad because I really miss feeling OK again. We have a date in a couple of days and I worry that I won’t be emotionally present and I will be disgusted by their presence and I will want to break up with them which I don’t really want my ERP therapist appointment is the day before our date so I’m hoping maybe it will help but I am worried that I’ll feel disgusted by their presence and I won’t feel anything if we hold hands or even kiss they’re such a sweet and kind person and I don’t wanna lose them, but I fear that my feelings being inconsistent will be an issue. I just wanna feel OK again and not have to worry about whether or not, I’m going to like them any given day. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know what changed or caused me to feel this way. It makes me wanna run, I think what triggered this is because I saw somebody that I thought was attractive and started having intrusive Thoughts. And now I feel disgusted by their presence I don’t want to feel disgusted by their presence because I was feeling so good the other day and I wanted to be around them and now I don’t and it’s very concerning and I don’t wanna feel like this. I’m scared. I’m going to feel like this our date is in Four days and I worry I’m going to feel like this still in four days and I’m going to not be in the right headspace to go on this date with them. I don’t wanna cancel it because we don’t get to see each other that often, but I worry that I will not be happy on our date and I will want to run away and break up with them. I know relationships are a choice but what if I’m leading them on and I’m staying with them because I feel bad I’m just worried that I’ll never feel for them again. Please help me.

I keep wondering if I’m attracted to this kid I saw a week ago or not, it keeps happening, I can’t figure it out, what I hope is false attraction is feeling too real, I don’t wan to like the kid, I never wish to like kids, I genuinely feel like I’m just in doubt, I can’t figure it out, it feels weird, I don’t feel any guilt, shame, disgust, or panic, idk why but ik that I’m supposed to feel that, it makes me feel like I’m a real p. I barley get any negative emotion from those thoughts anymore, even when these thoughts started I didn’t feel shame or guilt, but I think I did feel worry and panic, I’m not sure anymore, I don’t remember.