Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions ā I didnāt open NOCD, I didnāt text ChatGPT, I didnāt Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didnāt have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable.
But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, āThis is how the cycle starts again.ā That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, āWhat if this time itās real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth ā that I donāt love him?ā
It scared me because I wasnāt panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that ātruth feels calm,ā and now that I wasnāt reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, āWhat if this is the calm that comes with realization?ā
Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, Iām scared all over again. When we cuddle, I donāt feel the same. I donāt feel that warmth, and I donāt know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him ā because Iāve had these thoughts for so long, itās like I canāt remember anything clearly.
A few days ago I even thought, āMaybe I just donāt like him right now,ā and I wasnāt panicking ā and that scared me. Iām afraid that Iām finally ārealizing the truth,ā or that Iāve been lying to myself and Iām just now letting go.
Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasnāt really reacting to his love, and now I donāt even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity ā but Iām terrified of what clarity might mean.
Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?