Trigger Warning : OCD with my Hypersexuality

(25f have always felt I was hetero) I feel like my experience is uncommon and it makes me feel like the world is crashing down. I used to privately act on a kink that’s extremely uncommon, an involuntary thing people do everyday. It was a kink that was NEVER in the real world. I’d act on it every now and then through erotica or when I was younger, videos…then at some point grew an awareness that this was weird and only stuck to erotica. When people did this involuntary act irl I would be grosses out, annoyed, feel nothing or would have this little thought in the background that “ew germs”. Especially my parents I was often annoyed when they did it. For the past 8 months I’ve continuously have feared what my sexual feelings are towards family, friends and children when they do this act that I used to have a kink towards. I had the thought “well I don’t think I really want this kink in this new relationship” then I thought “wait…am I acknowledging this is a real thing for me? If so what does that say about this kink happening in the real world? Are you attracted to anyone doing the act? What about children? Or mom?!” Especially my mom, I fear what I will feel if she does this involuntary act and that I may at some point give in and feel inappropriate feelings towards her/pleasure myself to her doing the act. It’s so bad that I will mentally create scenarios of her and others doing the kink in the exact sexual ways that turned me on to see if it will arouse me. I worry that being annoyed towards my parents, especially my mom doing this act in the past was because I was in denial and was masking that it actually turned me on. You can’t ever fully get rid of kinks and although I don’t act on this one anymore…I worry and fear that bc I haven’t acted on it, it’s attaching to family, friends and even children in the way of fantasies and that the only reason I feel despair, shame, guilt, disgust and fear is only because of what others would think of me. Not what I actually think. In the beginning I was so filled with disgust, guilt, shame and fear that I ran away from home then admitted myself to a psych ward last summer hoping it would help (plot twist, didn’t.) I’m suicidal, I cry multiple times a day. Every thought I have I don’t trust and worry what they actually mean. Every thought of any kind. My mom and I used to be so so so close. She was my best friend and I avoid her a lot now because I fear I have a sexual disorder and am uncontrollably attracted to her. I miss her much I’m crying while typing this. My mom has only done the involuntary act around me a few times in the past 8 months and each time the arousal was so strong I felt like I was dissociating with how horrible my life has become. The worst part is…the arousal itself feels really good compared to the arousal I get around my bf…except with him I don’t feel extreme anxiety and despair when I’m aroused. I have so many other thoughts too and it makes it so hard to be in the moment and enjoy my bf, family and friends. I feel like a monster…

In lack of better wording, Sometimes I really just feel like I don’t understand myself and I want to. So I can fix it. I’m looking in the mirror and I’m body dysmorphic, I want to see myself when I was younger and physically healthier but cant. I used to be on birthcontrol, and it made me gain 70lbs and I haven’t been able to feel the same about my body ever since then. Somehow since allowing my ex to semi control everything about our sexual relationship, I have developed a complexity of desired intimacy with myself constantly alone. Because I feel like I want to be in more control with how my sexual feelings affect me. I can’t get sexual gratification from my self sometimes even though, and then I turn to peopke. And then it turns to; I can’t be satisfied by anyone, and I haven’t had sex within a loving relationship for a long time. Because well I have been going through a lot recently. And most of the encounters sexually were in fact not in relationships, but I didn’t feel the satisfaction I was looking for and it just didn’t make sense. I have to have all the right emotions or else the moment gets ruined. If I don’t feel love for them, if I don’t think they are attractive, if I don’t like how they react to seeing my body, if I don’t like how they interact with me during the sexual encounters. And since this is so difficult I All together just don’t desire to have sex with anyone most times I feel mentally aroused. Speaking of just mentally aroused, it confuses me that my body will be physically aroused all the time and beg for satisfaction and it’s a cold burning sensation pleading for constant attention. I hate it. I can’t help but wonder why that exists when I haven’t been mentally aroused. But when it happens I can’t seem to satisfy it and neither can other people. And that somewhat altogether made a plethora of issues in my last relationship because my ex dealt with feelings of guilt and or resentment towards themselves for not being able to satisfy me.. and I would be crying from days on end recently in fact from trying MYSELF to release that feeling, but I’d try to the point my body grew sore. .. I hate it. Genuinely I feel disgusted and want to get help on how to stop this. It’s going to ruin the much healthier relationship I have now just gotten into down the line and I don’t think I can handle that. Not again.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.