- Date posted
- 2y
Spiraling about POCD (TW : porn)
There will be TMI, I'm so sorry, I really need some support and opinion Hi everyone, I suffer from POCD since my teenagehood, around 11/12 years old maybe. I started having really dark intrusive thoughts about everything and anyone that I told to my mom at the time. It felt like my brain was screaming the worst thoughts that I could think of every second of every day. I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed. At one point, I was afraid to be a pervert and I started to have sexual intrusive thoughts about everything that I could think of, objects, animal, family members and children. My OCD latched onto that last theme and never let go since that moment. I didn't know it was OCD at that time, I discover that it might be OCD 2 years ago and I started therapy 1 year and a half ago. She also thinks that it is OCD but she's not specialized so we try to discover what triggered it and I am currently looking for a specialized therapist at the moment. Several weeks ago, I remembered something that caused me a lot of anxiety and guilt. I'd managed not to dwell on it too much, but now I feel stuck and more anxious than ever. Some time ago (let's say a few months), during a period when I was consuming a bit more pornography than today, I came across a video that I watched and "used" a few times before stopping, because it made me feel quite uncomfortable. The reason was that one of the two girls had a very, very skinny body, which gave the impression of a very young, even childlike body (I think I consumed 1 or 2 other videos from this account, just 1 or 2 times, but I don't think they disturbed me as much, because she didn't look as young as she does in that one video). I also saw thumbnails of other of their videos, in which she was wearing childish clothes like school girl and everything and that totally reinforced my decision to stop. The first time this memory came to the surface, I was extremely anxious because I thought "maybe this girl was a minor, maybe she really was a child". I went back to the account and saw that it was a couple with a certified account and lots of subscribers, so I said to myself that it couldn't be the case because on this kind of mainstream website they're very careful, and I was able to calm down. But today, I'm finding it really hard to cope. I feel deeply guilty and awful that I was able to consume this content, even if it was only a few times. I know there was a feeling of discomfort from the start and that's what made me stop, but why did I get over it in the first place? What stimulated me during the viewings? I'm finding it very hard not to dwell on this, because until now, all the problems I've had on this subject have been scientifically and logically explicable, the intrusive thoughts, the bodily sensations, etc. Like I know it's not me, consciously, who's causing all this. But here, this is something I did. I feel deeply guilty and awful. I feel like I've done something really really bad and I don't understand why or how I could have done it. I went back to the account a few times, not in a sexual way, hoping to be able to say to myself "it's okay, she doesn't look that young", but it didn't work, because she does indeed look very young. I've been able to talk about it with my partner, who's been able to reassure me a little. He watched the videos and told me that she doesn't look as young as I was saying. That she's just really really skinny. This is like a loli category maybe I think. But I can't seem to move on. I can't see her body as anything else as a childish body. I'm stuck and I can't get out of this spiral. I can't stop questioning myself about my motivations, the reasons why I was able to consume this content and it's depressing. I sent an email to my therapist about it but she's in vacation right now. She is very understanding and helpful, but I'm afraid, after this email that she'll think I'm a real P... Also, after spiraling about this video, I've thought about another video. A video that I watched a lot, yet again a few days ago. A compilation of videos of a particular woman. And I remembered that I thought to myself that something about this woman reminded me a little of my mother, and today I'm afraid that's why I watched it so much. I don't know if it's just her age, or if it's her looks, but I know that it made me feel uncomfortable, thinking about it. As I thought about why I liked this video so much, I had a few thoughts. One in particular: one of my first sexual discovery as a child was hearing my parents at night and especially my mother's breathing... It was very distressing for me because I was feeling arousal, but also a lot of anger because I didn't want to hear them and to feel that way. Today, I know that I prefer hearing people breath instead of moans and I can help but think to myself that this is related... But I don't think of my mother when I hear someone breathing during a sexual moment, at least I don't think I do, at least not consciously. So I thought, maybe this woman's breathing also brought me back to that, and with her age, it made me think of my mother a little more consciously. I also thought, maybe for this video, the feeling of anxiety added to the feeling of arousal and amplified it without me being really aware of it? Because in no way did I want to think about my mother or this event from my childhood while watching this video, but I'm afraid that subconsciously that's what made me particularly like it. Maybe I like this video independently of that? Despite the fact that this woman reminded me of my mother and without it having any impact on my experience and arousal? I can't help but to think about it, to check if she's really making me think about my mother and now it feels almost like they're the same person. Maybe it's OCD messing with my memories and what I feel but this is so distressing. (I know that this was one of my obsession when I was a teenager. There was a time when my OCD made me fear her, I had the feeling that she wanted to hurt me, that she wanted to sexually assault me (well at that time, I had the feeling that every adults wanted to assault me). And then at one point I was afraid to think about her during intimacy and had intrusive thoughts about her but it didn't last very long.) So I'm afraid that, with these explanations, the groinal response I can feel during my intrusive thoughts about children are genuine arousal. I keep reading that for many people, the groinal responses came after they'd started having those thoughts. For me, it feels like the sensations came before. Because when I started having sexual intrusive thoughts, my obsession was to feel sexual arousal for the wrong things and it was anything and everything, objects, animals, family members. And there were groinal responses even then, since that was the object of my obsession. Then it focused on children, because I think that I felt that it was the worst thing to be aroused by. So these sensations have more or less always been there. So I'm afraid that the groinal responses I feel when I have intrusive thoughts about children are genuine arousal that I may have developed after these traumatic events. I know that the bodily sensations associated with OCD are not arousal per se. I know I don't want to feel that way when I think about children, that I have no desire to act on it, that I don't want that kind of relationship with a child. But what's the difference between this story of breathing, which perhaps unconsciously reminds me of that moment in my childhood with my parents, and what I feel when I have intrusive thoughts? And what's the difference between what I felt for these two videos ? Because you could say that what I felt as a child when I heard my parents was arousal non-concordance because I didn't want to feel that way. And what I feel during my intrusive thoughts is arousal non-concordance too. Yet this breathing thing has become a real preference (if that preference does indeed come from this moment). You know what I mean? The same goes for CNC, which is a fantasy I have (but soft, not violent). I know that one of my first sexual experiences was a sexual assault ont TV, which made me feel arousal in a way that really disturbed me. Today I find myself with a fantasy about CNC. In other words I'm afraid that these traumatic childhood sexual experiences have completely messed me up. I know that apparently, kinks do not necessarily come from childhood traumas but I don't know what to think here. I can't stop telling me that I really am what I fear... I know this is typical OCD but how can I be sure ? Everybody say that the difference between POCD and pedophilia is that people suffering from POCD don't want to have these thought and that it doesn't match with their values. But I read a lot of articles that said a majority of P were struggling with their condition, that they were feeling really guilty about it and that they wanted to be helped. I feel very alone and helpless because I don't know who to talk to about it, I feel like a horrible person and I'm afraid of being a monster in the eyes of the people I love if I talk to them about it. It's been a really long time since I felt that bad about POCD. I did really good these 2 last years, since I started therapy. Maybe because my OCD latched onto other themes. Now I am going through a hard time because my partner and I are breaking up and I know my OCD is on fire since all of that, but right now it feels really out of control. (I'm sorry for the length of this post and for my english, it isn't my first language)