Struggling since I was 15

This will be long but I really appreciate it if you could provide some feedback. I have been to therapy almost my whole life. I was s******* abused when I was 2 and exposed to it by my mom constantly. When I was 5 I even started to try to have s*x with other kids, semi successful in one case. Growing up I discovered po*n very early like when I was 8. From then on I participated in online fantasies with older adult men. When I was a preteen I I was groomed and r*ped for 2 years by multiple adult men. I of course at the time considered this consensual... when I was 14 I got into a long term relationship with a boy 5 years older than me. He is a mixed bag because while I don't agree with it as an adult now, I probably would have committed suicide if I didn't have the one piece of stability he gave me. And really, the only thing wrong with that relationship was the age gap. I have complex ptsd from consistent abuse. I started to notice these intrusive thoughts because of my niece. I loved her so much I was so excited to be an aunt. I started babysitting a lot which meant exposure. This is where it gets tricky. Everything because of my hypersexuality, makes me think of s*x. I have gotten off to a dead moth before. The only thing that stops me from getting off on anything, even a table leg, is my morals and preferences. So, because of my thoughts and groinal response, I took this as well I must be a p***. These thoughts, responses, scenarios, etc. Cause me to PANIC. I started refusing to watch the kids and when I did I was so triggered I would just cry and hold my niece tight telling myself this wonderful bundle of joy was so safe and that I could never inflict those things I went through on her. Because I don't want anyone to ever feel this. Especially the ones I love. I did talk to my therapist at the time and while she didn't diagnose me with POCD or even an OCD disorder, just anxiety, she told me that most people who go through what I went through go through this as well. She said that it would more than likely never go away and that I need to learn to accept the thoughts and move on. Honestly after receiving that answer, I felt fine. Until 2 years later after I'd done copious amounts of acid and other psychedelics. I had another episode, this one was triggered by my kink for age-play. That guy I was with when I was 12 would enjoy role-playing these scenarios with me and I think it just never went away. I have other kinks. But my strongest ones are linked directly to my trauma. The therapist I saw specialized in actual p***philic disorder. He asked me a million questions, and put me through so many tests. One day he looks at me and goes, "What is your fantasy? What are you so in denial about liking?" And he listed off scenarios, I made a disgusted face and got nauseous and he went, "hold on, these thoughts and urges, they trigger good emotions or bad emotions?" To which I said "It's like torture. I could never do any of this. I don't want to and the thought makes me sick." When I tell you this man laughed in my face and said "P***philes experience arousal and genuine attraction. Do I think you're normal? No. But that's not important. What's important is who you are. It's your morals. Now while I'm not a psychiatrist and can't formally diagnose you, i believe you're experiencing a mixture of PTSD with a little OCD." Every session after that went similar because he worked with real p***'s in prisons and mental health facilities. He couldn't believe someone like me could even make the action so it was a non-issue. At that point it was just about getting me to accept and move past. Now here I am 3 years later, and I am triggered. I feel guilty because of these thoughts as well as my enjoyment of ageplay. I ask myself constantly if I would enjoy if they were actually a kid. But tbh I can't even get off on a petite p*rn star without it making me uncomfortable and having to stop because it's "too real". All my fantasies are in my head and just that, a fantasy. I think of ab*sing my younger self rarely, but for the majority its older men ab*sing me. The visual of a younger me in my mind makes me feel bad. And while I do get a groinal response, being around young girls specifically, I've never gotten wet from it. My actual v*ginal canal actually tightens greatly and my libido for anything, is gone. I'll sometimes go masturbate to p*rn to get rid of the groinal response, but I've learned that it is only a temporary fix as when my thoughts start and my anxiety runs rampant, the groinal response just stays like its apart of my anxiety. When I am good, when I am mentally at my best, I am perfectly okay with my kinks. I understand where they come from and why I like them. In the presence of kids I am able to move right past my thoughts and focus on whats important. But man, when I have an episode... it's like an unescapable torture chamber. A comforting thought I had today was, "I have been around kids, have had open access to requesting cp from p***'s online, have had multiple chances to talk to young girls online, and I never have." Because the thoughts even in the moment. Bring me so much disgust that I can't function. I avoid the situation at all costs and separate myself. I constantly ask my boyfriend and my friend who I have opened up to, about the situation so I calm down. I've been doing constant research about what kind OCD my therapist was talking about. Which led me here. I don't know what's wrong with me... I just want the thoughts and anxiety to stop. I could never hurt anyone and I know that. It's not who I am. So why do I feel this way?

POCD

Jonathan123147

Date posted: 2y

Can I just say that as I was reading your post I was crying. What a tragic story, and how much of a brave and beautiful person you are to have come through this. It’s amazing you are able to function still. I have false memory ocd, when I was 16 I my memory has told me I across videos of underage girls (it was in the early 00’s using limeware where there was no filter and no protection) my OCD tells me I purposefully wanted me to look at those things. I feel sick to think about that - but my therapist told me that I have to say - maybe I did maybe I didn’t. Also I have to say - maybe it’s all imagined, maybe it’s real. Now at first that killed me but now I think the worst case is - I was a kid and was looking at other kids. That still doesn’t sit right with me but I’m just trying to accept what I can’t change. What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that you are not a P. My Dad works in law specifically in child protection. He had told me that there is a profile for P’s and they do not worry or feel bad about thoughts of arousal. Yes some will except that what they like is not accepted. But they do not feel ashamed for their feelings of arousal. There is this idea that P’s can’t help how they feel - that isn’t true . You don’t wake up one day and say I’m attracted to children. They usually become addicted to porn, to the point that it no longer excites them, so they have to look at more extreme forms to the point it’s not about sex - it’s about control. So these feelings you have ARE OCD - and definitely PTSD. We wouldn’t have sex offenders if one’s felt about how they felt to the extent that you are. Try to embrace that and realise your kinks are ok - I use to like taboo things however I don’t watch porn anymore - I find it to be bad for my mental health. I think you are so brave and you need to realise your not just a good person your a strong and amazing person. You should be celebrated for your journey and what you have gone through.

Anxiousbutok...

Date posted: 2y

I really appreciate your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean to me. I'm sorry that situation was brought onto you. You didn't ask for it at all. I am glad that therapy has helped you and I hope one day I can be completely okay. With all of it.

Jonathan123147

Date posted: 2y

You seem to be doing so good at the moment. I feel sometimes that I did bring it on myself, after all I was the one being foolish on the internet (if it’s all real) Also just to mention, my thing when I watched Porn was taboo family stuff (stepmom etc) But trust me that does not carry over to real life, the thought of it makes me shudder. That makes me wonder if I’ve had things happen when I was a child but I’ve repressed them - I can’t remember anything from my childhood. I hope you are well and the people around you appreciate what they have in you

Anxiousbutok...

Date posted: 2y

Something I do worry about is that I do enjoy visualization of my fantasies at times. Like if I know a girl is of age but is petite, or even just like has a small frame but still thicc, I do enjoy fantasizing about them being underage. I believe that is also apart of ageplay. However I know that if I was aware that they were a minor it would definitely bother me. But at the same time, I don't know how I would feel in the moment. A big fear of mine is actually what you've described like accidentally running across it and enjoying it. Because subconsciously when I look at porn and I'm really looking for that age-play fantasy like almost to relive what I went through, i feel like I'm actually seeking out CP to reflect the fantasies in my head. But the thought of actually doing it or finding it is horrifying. My mind however convinces me that I'm slowly going down a rabbit hole of one day I'll get bored, like you said, and want the real thing. Even though I know I could never act on these thoughts or urges.

Jonathan123147

Date posted: 2y

I would say that your very traumatic past has caused you to feel like this. Maybe it’s a way of processing your emotions about your past without them causing you distress. Remember you are in control. So much of your life you have not been in control - wicked men have dominated you and robbed you of your childhood and that has possibly given you a warped view of yourself But you are in control now and these thoughts you are having are Intrusive, so they we will feel very real - but that doesn’t mean you will ever act upon them.

dee012

Date posted: 35w

I see that this post is a year old, so I might be late. But I wanted to say that I go through the same exact things the trauma on the other hand, I can say mine was less intense than yours, but the aftermath is something I go through. I have been hyper sexual ever since a kid due to unfortunate circumstances, and it has followed me throughout my life, and mixes in with my OCD, which is horrible. I understand when you say you have gotten off to a dead moth, and if it wasn’t for your morals, you could get off to a table leg if you really wanted to. I go through this as well, as my brain, hyper sexualizes everything, including my intrusive thoughts. I have self pleasure into a compulsion, whether I get a response and use self pleasure to make it go away, or with intrusive thoughts, vice versa, it leaves me in a loop of feeling like, I am a fraud hiding behind “OCD “. I am young and as a woman this feels debilitating to go through, it’s been going on for so long. The last paragraph. I feel you. I don’t know what’s wrong I just want this to stop :( I don’t want to hurt anyone. OCD targets kids , my pets and my family. Since it’s been some time since this post have you been able to get better? Do you have any advice? Wishing you the best :(

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

My Story TW: grooming, pedohilia

Hello, I've struggled with possible OCD but it didn't involved POCD at first, at first it was basically me denying that I was ever a victim of grooming/pedophilia and how I was the real abuser towards my abusers despite the fact that I was the child, they were the adult, how is that possible??. Then eventually in 2023, I saw a video based on a FNF modder exposing him as a groomer/pedophile, and it was because when he was 17 he allegedly had an interaction with someone who was 15 that was nsfw. Now keep in mind, I was a victim of grooming/pedophilia especially since age 11 and even at 17, however I was also a bit of a promiscuous teen due to years of being groomed and I was having nsfw discussions/heavily sex positive convos with people who were 15/16/17 at 17 and I never considered how that could be inappropriate and my intent wasn't to be predatory but the fact that I was just simply exploring my sexuality, also a lot of the people I was doing this with, we were apart of a discord server that heavily encouraged NSFW convos between Teens and adults and it was made by an adult so bad environment overall made by an actual predator. However it didn't stop me in 2023 thinking that I was a pedophile as a teenager and I was genuinely worried and thought that I was a terrible person and I still do. I only did what I did because I was being hurt and thought it was okay, I never meant to hurt anyone and I at 19 literally convinced myself that I was a pedo in my under 18 teen years because of the age gap between me and my friends {1/2 years} and we had conversations that were sexual based even though I at 19 was dating my BF who was 22/23 at the time, I was 19 having sexual convos with adults, I at 19 had friends that were minors and our conversations were always appropriate and never nsfw or those same friends that I had previous convos with that were nsfw, {they were all either 17/18/19 and I was 19} our conversation topics have switched to more SFW ones unlike the ones we had when we were all minors so how could I be a pedo? and I freaked out about it, I couldn't concentrate in classes at all, it was a genuine nightmare. Eventually I did get better and realized that my behaviors were under duress and how I'm not actually a bad person and how I've changed as an adult and do not wish to harm anyone however I'm back on my cycle of worrying again and I've communicated to the people who I thought I affected and they all express no ill will or any anger and were never uncomfortable, do not think about it or just don't care/simply forgot. But Guilt eats me up like a stray dog. I also sometimes see people on twitter calling 17 year olds dating 15 or 16 year olds pedophiles or calling them "P diddy"

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Intentional intrusive thoughts during pleasure and masterbation

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

please44I

Date posted: 11w

Pocd

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

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Struggling since I was 15

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