- Date posted
- 2y
What is happening
I feel so engulfed by these thoughts that I cannot find a way out. It physically and mentally feels real and feels like I’m going to do it. I’m starting to believe this is actually me and I don’t know what to do.
I feel so engulfed by these thoughts that I cannot find a way out. It physically and mentally feels real and feels like I’m going to do it. I’m starting to believe this is actually me and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been exactly where you are with harm OCD where I actually thought I was going to do something. It will pass! I promise! You CAN trust yourself!
@Anonymous69 I feel trapped and like I’m becoming someone completely different. Like I want these thoughts to be me.
@pickedpeppers I know. You feel like you’re agreeing with the thoughts. I was just there yesterday and I swear it’s not real. OCD is such an elaborate illusion. I am so so so sorry you’re feeling this right now
@Anonymous69 When I hear “I swear it’s not you” I feel even worse which is why I’m freaking out.
@pickedpeppers Oh I am so so sorry! I understand why it makes it worse. I am here for you as someone who has recovered from the kind of Harm OCD you’re probably facing.
@Anonymous69 Why am I experiencing something that was never me. I genuinely feel like these thoughts are what I’m becoming. I feel like I’m in denial and if I would just give in I would feel better. I feel sick.
@Anonymous69 I physically don’t know what I want at this point
@pickedpeppers How cruel it is for your brain to be telling you such terrible things, and even making you feel a certain way. I know it feels so real. I told my psychologists some VERY similar—if not the same—things and they never looked at me poorly. The thoughts and feelings you’re having are so clearly egodystonic to me. But because I don’t want to make you feel worse in the long run, I won’t offer you reassurance. I do have full faith in you and I know that probably doesn’t feel right. If I was in the same room as you I’d feel safe. Brains like ours LOVE to scream all sorts of convincing things at us and make us feel like we are the threat, we are dangerous, we are in denial.
@Anonymous69 Thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it. Just ever since I found out that my intrusive thoughts were most likely ocd, I felt better for a day, but then it got worse from there. Nothing reassured me anymore and I genuinely feel like someone who would harm someone. I can’t even describe the feeling. It feels like I’m keeping myself from doing something I genuinely want to do. I feel like I’m placing myself in ocd because I want to relate to people and I want an answer but really I just don’t want to except being this person. Everything I say feels like a lie. All the thoughts I give myself to let myself know it’s not me feels like a lie. I just feel like I’m lying to myself and I need to except my fate.
im struggling with this too- im really sorry you’re dealing with this it’s very scary & tiring
We deal with malware in our brains, which can be treated. It's not you, it's the malware called OCD. Don't ask why or how, it just is. HOCD is one of the most common forms and is treatable with ERP. Do you have a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP? Doesn't sound like you do. Why not contact NOCD and ask for a free consultation. It changed my life.
@Steven55! I can’t get a therapist right now because they don’t have my insurance, but I plan to in the future. Also thank you for the knowledge, I appreciate it!
@pickedpeppers - There are a number of very good NOCD podcasts on YouTube that deal with harm OCD. That can help you until you begin therapy.
@pickedpeppers - Here's another video on OCD Harm that might be helpful (remember, if it is triggering, do your ERP!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHCtK_KWiSE
I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.
Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this
I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling
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