It’s Back

I know I shouldn’t be posting because it’s a compulsion, but I don’t believe that I have OCD. This is my only theme and it’s lasted on and off since I was 12. During that time I’ve had my first kiss, lost my virginity, graduated from both high school and college, and still I am terrified that I’m attracted to women. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD more times than I can count but when I tell people I have it, I feel like a fraud. I’ve been told I give gay vibes, I don’t always get fully wet when I have sex, and I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner— only alone. It’s not like I don’t have sexual experience either; I’ve had sex with ten people. I’m 21 (almost 22) now and feel like the only way out of this is by accepting that I’m a lesbian and I’ve just had a harder time accepting it than your average person. It’s been almost 10 years…I see no other possibility. I’d really appreciate if any other women that have struggled with this for a long time could talk.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Stay strong! You can live your life how you want to, not how ocd tells you to!! I have a lot of “evidence” that I am not straight, but I love my boyfriend and want to spend my life with him .

Username: ElizMoElizMo

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this for so long! I am fairly new to SOOCD, so I can't talk to the specific aspect of time. There are several things in your post that really make it sound like OCD to me. But I won't go reassuring you sentence by sentence, because I know that is not helpful to you! I do have to get on my feminist soapbox for a minute, though :) As women, we are indoctrinated (passively through media, etc.) from a young age to believe vaginal wetness and female orgasm are "proof" of something (that we're in love, that our partner is good at sex, that we're "good" women, that we "want it", that we function like we should, blah blah). It's all total misogynistic BS. I mean, of course these things CAN be related to arousal, etc. But not always! There are SO many psychological, physiological and situational factors that contribute to whether a woman gets wet/orgasms during a given sexual interaction. It sounds to me like you're looking for proof in your past. Wishing you patience and courage as you face this! You're not alone.

Username: missblueskymissbluesky

Date posted: 1y ago

@ElizMo It just seems like I’ve had this theme since I was so young and then as I get older, everything seems to confirm it. Like, if I didn’t have this theme, I don’t think I would be so concerned about not being wet.

Username: Roses2021Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi! Not to offer reassurance but I’ve also struggled with this on and off since I was 12. I think trauma triggered it for me and I’ve had three waves of it (finally recovering from this third one). I don’t relate to the sex stuff but we all have our things and it’s not important to match your story to someone else’s for proof. I’ve had some other themes, mostly health, but yeah, totally relate to your story.

Username: missblueskymissbluesky

Date posted: 1y ago

@Roses2021 Thank you— being so young when it started is probably my biggest trigger. But you clearly have OCD; I don’t. The sex stuff really bothers me, too. I’ve never had sex with anyone I had feelings for (mostly just one night stands and casual flings) and I never really got sexual attention when I was younger so I’ve been going kind of crazy since boys started liking me. Still, I’ve never finished with anyone else and I find it terrifying. I feel like I’m just bisexual with a preference for women and because I grew up Catholic and have been fighting this for so long that I just can’t accept it.

Username: Roses2021Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@polishgirl And @missbluesky the sex thing is so normal! There are tons of straight women who struggle with not being able to finish. I’ve also had this theme since young (12/13) which scares me as well but you have to remember there could be so many reasons for something

Username: anotherocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Username: missbluesky

Date posted: 2y ago

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Aileen Gemmell

Date posted: 2y ago

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.

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