I haven’t told many people this

Today was the worst day today. I was ruminating yet again about a past event that happened in my life (which is typical for me because that happens when I overcome an event from the past that I was ruminating over.) I had recently gone back to a compulsion the night before to gain some reassurance (thankfully there were some ppl on the internet who did me a favor and never gave me that reassurance.) But sadly, I went ahead and still found it. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but I decided to accept it for what it was. I don’t want to alarm anyone because my friend told me that what I did wasn’t as bad as I had thought it was, but that thought got to a point where I was worried that if I told a hotline person about this, that they would report me to the p*lice and I would be sent to jail and personally, that freaked me out because I have school and I’m planning on going to college and that thought was ruminating in my head like crazy. I could barely focus on anything else. The only thing that helped me get my anxiety out of that thought was playing a game with my siblings, but other than that, I felt like such a stranger to my own mind. A part of me didn’t even think I was stressed out (a part of me still thinks I wasn’t) but if that was the case, then I would’ve felt better than I did in that moment. And the truth was, I didn’t feel better. I’m trying to tell myself that people make mistakes and that I don’t have to do anything crazy, but a part of me feels like a villain for not telling a mandate reporter about this, just so I could do some ‘justice’ because my religion says so. I know what my religion means when it comes to ‘justice’, but I know myself too. And I know that I’ve become a better, smarter, and more pious person than I was before. And I know that God doesn’t want me to live in this guilt and regret for a while just so I can finally live the life I want. I want to live that now, WHERE I CAN MOVE ON. My stress and my anxiety has taken such a toll on my body, I just want it to end. And I want to live peacefully, and I just don’t want to go to jail. I feel kinda alone in this world, even though I have God and my family with me. It still feels like I have so much pressure on myself that I can’t even regulate my emotions like I always do all the time, and I’ve just had enough of ‘calming down’ all the time. It’s not an insult to be mad, upset, angry, or even frustrated. Maybe that’s just telling someone something they need to know.

Students with OCD

TicTacs

Date posted: 2y

Hey there, I am also someone who struggles with Real Event OCD and having a wave of “panic” like that is not fun at all so I understand where you’re coming from. I want to tell you that we all make mistakes of some kind, and you aren’t the exception. I don’t want to give you any reassurance because that does not help with your ocd so I recommend doing ERP. It is one of the most effective treatments (even more so than medication!) and is crucial to recovery. It’s going to be hard because you’re exposing your worst fear, something that matters to you the most, but I promise in the end it’s so worth it my friend. Something else you can learn to do that a really good therapist once recommended is to postpone your compulsion for as long as you can. That way you also retrain your brain to not give into the anxiety and fear that comes whenever you are exposed. I watch an awesome therapist on YouTube called Nathan Peterson, his channel is called OCD and Anxiety, check out his Real Event ocd video. Remember you’re still learning how to deal with this illness and progress/healing is not linear so please be patient with yourself. There is hope. This is temporary

Michele32

Date posted: 23w

Compulsions

Less than a year ago, I had a very big anxiety flare up to the point that I felt as though I needed to report to the police / harm myself. I ended up leaving an anonymous tip at the police hotline about something that I know I didn’t even do but everything told me I had to or else I will go to jail. And similarly after that I called the help line and explained I had unwanted intrusive thoughts and I didn’t think I deserved to live for having those thoughts. After these many months and working with my therapist, I’ve been able to feel a lot less anxious around this topic and now I’m getting lots of anxiety about what I did that time when I was so anxious. I gave in to my compulsions and confessed for stuff that I know sounds bad saying out loud but only certain people will understand I would never do. So now I’m just looking for someone to relate and perhaps let me know that I don’t have anything to worry about? I know it’s bad to seek reassurance but I’m not sure where to go. And I’m worried I’m going to keep incriminating myself.

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 23w

Anxious

I'm at my college and don't feel like being here. I didn't even want to come here. I woke up with anxiety bc i feel like i need to solve this. I had a bad stomach ache when i arrived to school and still havent even eaten breakfast yet bc i feel like i have to solve this. Im just so worried bc i have harm thoughts daily. If i could i would remove this! I dont want to think anymore. Its just, how do I know i dont have real urges when I'm feeling a negative emotion like anger or disappointment or annoyance? Im worried EVERY time i feel a negative emotion. Yesterday I was playing video games with my neice (we are close in age range) and she made us lose. She started blaming me and I guess i felt a little annoyed, it really wasnt my fault (dumb mini argument it was more playful since we started laughing but it was a bit annoying). Anyway i got a harm thought while feeling annoyed of me getting off the couch and lunging at her to attack. I immediately look at my bodily reaction and I tense up to stay as still as possible. My stomach was hurting and i wanted to leave as fast as possible. I stood up and turned off the game and said i was tired while making sure to stay back from her (and i had my hands away and stiff) but i felt so uneasy. I laid I bed and felt sad and heavy. And i kept getting thoughts that said "íts only a matter of time before you can't take it anymore". I started to reassurance seek using ai to ask if i was about to or if they are real urges or thoughts i mean until i eventually fell asleep in the middle of the compulsion. Im just so worried, what if I act out impulsevly one day? I dont want to! But what if when feeling a negative emotion, i suddenly dont care and do something? I really dont want to! I dont even want to feel negative emotions anymore since they trigger the thoughts and I dont want to think about any of that. As a result i tend to avoid my family as much as possible bc they are annoying sometimes. I just wish i was all alone sometimes so i wont get any more thoughts and so everyone can be safe. I usually just stay in bed under my blankets all day long to avoid my family and pets. I am constantly uncomfortable. I miss when i would never think any of this. Living life has become very scary for me now. 😞

SugarCookiessᰔ

Date posted: 12w

To anyone who cares

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

I haven’t told many people this

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community