- Date posted
- 2y
I haven’t told many people this
Today was the worst day today. I was ruminating yet again about a past event that happened in my life (which is typical for me because that happens when I overcome an event from the past that I was ruminating over.) I had recently gone back to a compulsion the night before to gain some reassurance (thankfully there were some ppl on the internet who did me a favor and never gave me that reassurance.) But sadly, I went ahead and still found it. It wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but I decided to accept it for what it was. I don’t want to alarm anyone because my friend told me that what I did wasn’t as bad as I had thought it was, but that thought got to a point where I was worried that if I told a hotline person about this, that they would report me to the p*lice and I would be sent to jail and personally, that freaked me out because I have school and I’m planning on going to college and that thought was ruminating in my head like crazy. I could barely focus on anything else. The only thing that helped me get my anxiety out of that thought was playing a game with my siblings, but other than that, I felt like such a stranger to my own mind. A part of me didn’t even think I was stressed out (a part of me still thinks I wasn’t) but if that was the case, then I would’ve felt better than I did in that moment. And the truth was, I didn’t feel better. I’m trying to tell myself that people make mistakes and that I don’t have to do anything crazy, but a part of me feels like a villain for not telling a mandate reporter about this, just so I could do some ‘justice’ because my religion says so. I know what my religion means when it comes to ‘justice’, but I know myself too. And I know that I’ve become a better, smarter, and more pious person than I was before. And I know that God doesn’t want me to live in this guilt and regret for a while just so I can finally live the life I want. I want to live that now, WHERE I CAN MOVE ON. My stress and my anxiety has taken such a toll on my body, I just want it to end. And I want to live peacefully, and I just don’t want to go to jail. I feel kinda alone in this world, even though I have God and my family with me. It still feels like I have so much pressure on myself that I can’t even regulate my emotions like I always do all the time, and I’ve just had enough of ‘calming down’ all the time. It’s not an insult to be mad, upset, angry, or even frustrated. Maybe that’s just telling someone something they need to know.