ROCD and actual problems

My therapist says my sudden feelings are A result of ROCD, and I agree, but I also don’t. There are problems in my relationship. We’re long distance and don’t communicate well. He’s ten years older and this is my first relationship- he wants to settle in about two years, and I’m not so sure of that timeline. He’s very depressed, doesn’t try very hard, doesn’t ever see a doctor (is very overweight, has problems resulting from it), and has generally expressed the feelings of “it’s too much work to be functional.” He has a steady job, is financially secure, and I love him. He feels like home. But I realize there’s problems, and I worry about settling, I don’t know that I want marriage in two to three years. I haven’t had that conversation with him, and it’d be better in person, but if I don’t move to his state, the next time we’ll see each other is in December, during his week long vacation. I also don’t have much vacation time from work to see him and figure things out. People have asked me if he’s what I really want currently, and while I want HIM, I want him to change his behaviors and attitudes. I strive to better myself, to learn about myself constantly, and he doesn’t. He seems defeated. He’s quiet, he won’t let me in. So our struggles are real, but now my brain has gone “you need to leave now” and I know that’s the ROCD, but it is rooted in feelings I’ve had before. I’m not looking for reassurance, or to confess, or anything, but sharing my struggle. It’s good for me to write things out. The end goal of my treatment isn’t to decide if I leave or not- if I move in with him or not, it’s to feel better and handle challenges better myself. But this all sucks.

Relationship OCD

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I think you can simultanelously have ROCD AND actual relationship problems. Nothing is totally black and white. The difference is OCD typically involves a compulsion, so ruminating on your issues rather than productive problem solving. I think everyone experiences some level of doubt or uncertainty in their relationships, but OCD just really latches onto it, no matter how big or small the doubt is in reality. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It sounds really difficult.

blorbo

Date posted: 2y

@JazzCrab The rumination is my issue. The first intrusive thought happened while he hugged me, it was a "this is wrong, this feels wrong, you need to leave Il l agreed with his self deprecating comments in response to my fears and worries, it's like a dark cloud came over me so fast, and I agreed and wanted to run. But after, my mind cleared, the thoughts went away, and I started to ruminate and ruminate and obsess. And that's where I am now. Though sometimes I have moments of clarity, where I can constructively problem solve a bit in my head and clarify what's all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing. But it's still very difficult.

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@blorbo - I'm a chronic ruminator, too. It sucks. If it's helpful, without providing you too much reassurance because I know that isn't productive for OCD, I think accepting the fact that no relationship is ever 100% perfect is helpful with ROCD. It's really up to you to decide what you're willing to put up with or not. And no one is every 100% happy 100% of the time, regardless of how great their partner is. Humans are flawed. So I think accepting that yeah, there's going to be uncertainty and doubt and issues is a good thing. And love is a choice, in the end. I listened to a podcast on ROCD recently and a really good point was, whatever you decide to do, commit to it. So if you're going to treat it like OCD, then really commit to that, which means trying really hard to stop your compulsions and rumination.

Dee88

Date posted: 2y

@JazzCrab Your advice is always great!

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Dee88 I appreciate that a lot. I’m notoriously bad at taking my own advice, unfortunately. Trying to get better.

Dee88

Date posted: 2y

@JazzCrab Oh I feel y’a- I feel like I give great advice to my friends and then I’m like ‘wait, why don’t I do that myself?’ Haha

blorbo

Date posted: 2y

I could do better for myself, and I want to. I’m holding space for this want, ugly as it makes me feel. But I also love my human, and I don't want to let go before ever getting to be in person with him and seeing how things could actually be. It's all terrifying, it's all real, and OCD has reared it's ugly head in to boot.

Firefly girl

Date posted: 23w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

Mariabae

Date posted: 18w

: I feel like I’m trapped in denial, confusion and guilt — I don’t know what’s real anymore

Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to put this into words, but I’ll try. I’ve been struggling with what I believe is ROCD for over a year and a half. I’ve been in a relationship for two years, and for a long time now, I feel like I’ve been stuck in a mental fog or trance — a constant state of doubt, guilt, anxiety, and emotional numbness. I can’t tell what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think: “Maybe I never loved him. Maybe I’m just staying out of habit, or because I’m in denial.” Other times I feel devastated and overwhelmed because all I really want is to feel love, safety, and peace again with him. I want to stop overthinking. I want to stop questioning if I’m lying to myself or if I’m hurting him by staying. My family (especially my mom and dad) and even my therapist have told me things that increased my doubts — that I’m only lying to myself, that I’m not really in love, that I’ve been unhappy since the beginning and I should just end it so I don’t hurt him anymore. My mom keeps saying “it’s not too late to walk away.” But it doesn’t feel that simple for me. When he tells me how much pain he’s in, sometimes I feel… nothing. And then I hate myself for not feeling guilt or sadness in that moment. I wonder: “If I really cared, wouldn’t I feel something?” But I also feel like I’ve become emotionally numb — like my mind and body are shutting down to protect me from constant fear and inner conflict. What makes it even harder is that we’re supposed to take a trip together soon for my 18th birthday. And instead of feeling excited, I’m terrified that I’ll feel numb, anxious, and distant even on that day. That I’ll ruin it. That I won’t be able to enjoy anything. And then I feel even more broken for being scared of my own birthday. I’m so afraid that I’m living based on a false “should.” That I’m staying because I should stay. But when I think about leaving, I panic too. Nothing feels right. Nothing brings relief. I just want clarity. Peace. And to know that I’m not alone or broken. If anyone here has felt like this — please let me know. It would mean everything right now. Thank you for reading.

user36373738

Date posted: 11w

Spinning / long but plz read

I have had ROCD in my relationship for a while and I’ve always been having the feeling do I break up so I not but even with the anxiety I still felt love and knew I didn’t want to be without him. But now it feels different. What scares me is it feels like I could actually see myself wanting to date someone else because of qualities he doesn’t have. I keep seeing him as overall bad. For more context he is caring, generous, we are very similar, but have different communication styles and talking issues out is hard for him. He also can be irritable easily, he doesn’t like talking things out that much and there’s a bit of a maturity difference which I know is sometning that can grow. Lately I feel like when I’m around him I am just frustrated with how he is acting like when he does something that upsets me like makes a joke about something he knows isn’t funny and bothersome to me, he’ll say sorry but then end up doing it again. Even though I know he really does care about me which I know it feels like he only cares about him doing wrong like he doesn’t want to do wrong instead of actually wanting to fix my feelings being hurt cause when he asks if I’m upset and I say yes he will get upset and try to be defensive and it makes me feel he cares more about being wrong. I also have had less empathy toward him which really scares me because I am a very empathetic person but I am hoping it’s just cause of bad ocd and built frustrations. Also, I do know cause he has told me and I’ve seen it that he always wants to impress his parents and not make them mad because they pick at him the minute he does wrong. This is probably why it’s hard to talk things out but lately I have been feeling like I can’t say anything cause he will just get more anxious or shut down or not want to hear it. Anyway, what makes me anxious is it feels like I don’t feel anything anymore and my brain is saying the only reason why I get anxious thinking of not being together is because I hate change and cause he is the first person I’m with. But I keep going back and forth. It’s so hard to be around him now. All I’m trying to think of is evidence that I still love him or the good things about him. I’m really afraid this isn’t ocd and that it has just morphed into it just isn’t working anymore. Some feelings like less love feel real but also ocd gets in between everything and it’s so fuzzy. I am afraid deep down I really know. My brain keeps saying I can’t be with him anymore cause I can’t be with someone if I feel like this about him. Meaning if I don’t have empathy for him cause I’m frustrated or whatever and if all I can see his bad even though I know there is good. It also says if I was with someone else that was a little nicer or could talk things out or whatever imaginary scenario in my head I wouldn’t feel like this😭 and I love the family and it keeps saying I’m only staying cause of the family. And some of this I’m like wait that might be true and I have to rest and review and I’m exhausted. And one minute I want to leave the next I don’t….im worried the only reason I am with him is cause of how great things were or cause he loves me and not me loving him.

Relationship OCD

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ROCD and actual problems

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