I'm not my parent, but is that true? (Christian)

This is not meant to fend anyone- rather your religious or not- somewhere in the middle-ect just expressing how I I feel.. I haven’t been to church since I was like… 13 years old… I’m now 34. I was raised Christian. My dad was the one who encouraged Christianity/church as a kid but he also is the person who sexually and verbally abused me, he also was an alcoholic and crack addict/drug addict. Not saying people with severe substance issues can’t be religious HOWEVER as a child he hurt me, over and over and over again. Once him and my mom split up I stopped going to church cuz I rebelled and felt like he only went to church to hide the truth of who he was. It’s just how i felt. I don’t know know truth and want know the truth becuase he died 2 years ago. The truth wouldn’t matter anyways. I’m also bisexual, and don’t beleive some of the (in my opinion) hateful judgmental things I see spread by certain religions, i do get religion is a spectrum tho. Long story to say, my 11 year old daughter has many friends who go to this specific christian church, and I agreeed to sign her up for a summer basketball team the church offers- only because the schedule worked for us and she knows kids in the program. She’s been asking to go to a few Sunday services in order to get to know the ppl /kids more so when she starts basketball she will know some ppl. So today, I’m going to church for the first time , I feel weird about it due to my past. I am not anti religion, I believe in being a good person and if god is real he will see that and that’s what matters. But church brings up trauma for me in ways. Anyone ever deal with this? Words of advice? I want to let my daughter choose her own path and explore religion if she chooses too so I am trying to support her, I’m just scared to go and feel judged cuz I literally have pink hair, piercings, tattoos, don’t agree w some extreme values ect. Idk compulsion a lot this am and heart is racing .

What’s involved in this process? •demons •tyrants (actual people) •replacing hobbies with church I believe we were all born with talents, interests, I don’t think religion or spirituality should ever be a hobby or something for fun or to dive into when ur bored religion or spirituality should only be approached when needed needed crucially needed is what I’m starting to believe. That just makes sense. Why would God want us thanking him constantly when he just wants to help us and want us to know like “hey bro here if u need anything holler at me.” and like he kicks up his feet and does his own thing, like what if god is just like that and then here I am having mad anxiety that I just put Gods name I lowercase but I meant no disrespect towards god when doing that. n that’s my point again, why would the person who created me to experience feeling grass on my thighs and walking this earth to look at sunsets he creates for us each day n eat good yellow mangos n explore rainforest and ultimately “LIVE LIFE.”, of course I would assume the one who wanted us to experience life on earth for a bit would maybe perhaps be like any ordinary day and say, “make good decisions.” Before you walk out the door, like imagine the whole Bible was just those 3 factors I’ve just pointed out •live life • make good decisions •I’m here if you need me I’m really gonna create the type of God that works for me idc anymore this is really giving me so much peace Do/Did many/most people with OCD have an absent parent/abusive parent? I’m starting to think that could also be another reason why OCD is developed Is that already a proven fact? Would make lots of sense.

I posted a comment on a video on tiktok and got super super attacked by it and it’s making me feel like I deserve to go to hell because I typed it wrong. The context of the video is that basically this girl is saying she’s never met a genuinely non judgmental Christian and I said:”Every single time I mention not waiting for marriage with my boyfriend I’m suddenly scolded and shoved with all the benefits of waiting down my throat. It honestly drives me further away from Christ” and people were reading it my boyfriend was the one shoving the benefits down my throat when that isn’t the case at all. My boyfriend does not claim to be a Christian. He is discovering his beliefs as am I as a semi-Christian still figuring things out for myself. I meant this comment as other Christian’s scolding me for not knowing if I want to wait and it driving me further from Christ. But one of the comments said this: “these are non negotiables if you’re a follower of Christ. He’s standing firm in his convictions, if you’re unequally yoked in faith the relationship will not work. You know his convictions, you know his Faith, yet you’re pushing him into temptation and sin that’s clearly defined in scripture. That’s being disrespectful to him and his faith. If you’re not on the same page on such a crucial thing, it’s okay to not be with him.” And a couple more comment such as this. This was SUPER triggering for me. I eventually commented back saying that wasn’t how I meant the comment and should’ve worded it better, but now I feel like I have to be miserable with Christ and follow everything they said and break up with my boyfriend because this person said I’m like horrible for shoving it down his throat when that isn’t the case. What if I’m a horrible person and deserve eternal damnation and just don’t know it. What if I’m secretly like a demonic creature that is ruining everyone’s lives and just don’t know it? I’m so scared for my future and that everyone hates me now