Hello everyone. I have been having horrible thoughts ever since I turned 13, and now I’m almost 16, and still having them. When I turned 13, the thoughts were constant and nearly drove me to kill myself. I thought about killing my family and pets constantly, but, worst of all, especially my mother. Now, I sleep with my door closed to try to stop the thoughts and to keep from hearing or seeing my mom or dad. I love my parents and pets, especially my mother— she’s an amazing woman, and has done so much for me, but yet I’m still having these damn thoughts. I was at a bad school when I was 13, and then moved to another when I was 14. After a switched schools, the thoughts gradually began to lessen, but every few months, they get really bad again for a few weeks (I still have them daily out of those bad few weeks, but when they get bad, they get bad.) I’m currently going through one of those spurts. I have tried to talk to my dad about getting help, and even though he said that he’ll look for a therapist, it’s been nearly a year, and I still haven’t gotten help. I desperately want these thoughts to stop because I feel like a horrible person and I love my parents, family, and pets so much, but I’m terrified of opening up to my dad and telling him everything that I think about (I also have thoughts about sexually abusing children, but I don’t want to do it! I’m not attracted to children whatsoever, but I’m still thinking about it.) My self-esteem is absolutely horrible, and I feel like a monster for thinking about these things. I’m very much a daddy’s girl, and if he is disgusted or angry at me, then I honestly don’t know how I’d handle it. I really, really need help, but just don’t know how to go about doing it (I’ve thought about going to the school councilor, but they’ve made it known that, if they’re concerned about a student, that they’ll either contact their parents or the police.) My dad has said to just calm down and relax, but I literally can’t. We have mental illnesses on my mom’s side, and many of those people take pills, and when I’ve talked to my dad about my anxiety and depression, he’s said that pills aren’t the answer. Honestly, at this point I don’t care what treatment I get— all I care about is these thoughts stopping. I’m sorry if this is rambling and a little confusing, but my mind is all over the place right now. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Harm OCD

carolyng

Date posted: 6y

Hi there and thank you for sharing.. that is very courageous of you to open yourself up to others- which is a good step! I’m wondering if you could start with your pediatrician or family doctor. If you need a school physical or immunizations for school that would be a good place to open up to a doctor who could listen and refer you to the best next step. (& if you have a sore throat and need to go to the doctors that could get you there too!)

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

@carolyng Thank you so much. I’ve thought about talking to my pediatrician (she’s a super nice woman,) but my mom is the only one who can bring me to those appointments, and, if I ask her to leave the room, she’d get suspicious. I’m thinking about talking to my dad again, but if I tell my mom about my thoughts, and how most of them are about her death, then it’d destroy her (she’s an amazing mother, and her whole world revolves around being a mom.) My dad is the only one who knows of my suicide attempt (and don’t worry, I’m no longer suicidal.) I can’t do that to my mom (she can’t know of my thoughts or suicide attempt,) and especially since the doctor would most likely talk to her afterwards. Thank you for responding! I’ll try to talk to my dad soon, but it’s a matter of finding the right time (he works a lot.)

chels

Date posted: 6y

You would be surprised how understanding parents are. If you and your dad are close he will not get angry at you. I told my dad about my thoughts and although he didn’t really understand them he really tried to help. About seeing a councillor, I’m sure the school councillor is qualified however I would recommend telling your parents what you’re going through and then trying to find a psychologist qualified in CBT and very familiar with OCD. I hope you get the help you need and feel better soon.

KyNeum

Date posted: 6y

@SDGardiner I definitely understand what you are going through. When I was your age I had the same intrusive thoughts, it’s very hard. Because it can be hard to comprehend why you’re getting the thoughts you are. It’s very important to talk to someone you can trust about it. I talked to my mom, and that helped a lot. At the time I didn’t have a therapist or a psychiatrist I could talk to. If you can talk to a doctor or a mental health professional I would highly suggest it. Your dad loves you, though he may not understand. He would do anything for you. Keep your head up, and remember you aren’t alone!

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