Feeling defeated - long rant

I’ve been dealing with SO-OCD on and off for the past 3 years, and I don’t know if it’s winning at this point. From the minute I wake up to the second I go to bed, it’s pretty much all I think about. I can’t watch certain shows, even ones I used to like, like greys anatomy and euphoria, because of the same-sex plot lines. I used to never pay a second of attention to these, and was obsessed with meredith and Derek. I also cant watch shows where the girl is portrayed as a sex symbol out of fear of groinal response. And I don’t watch shows with guys I used to find cute because it’ll remind me of my loss of attraction. Now it’s like I feel no attraction at all to guys when that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve convinced myself that a majority of my friendships have been homoerotic and that I’m jealous of my friends boyfriends when that hasn’t been the case. I also ruminate on my childhood and things I’ve done that might indicate that I’m gay, even though I had crushes on guys from an early age. I did some things that I guess could be interpreted as “fruity”, but I did the same thing with guys as well. I also cant tell if these memories are genuine or false memories, or exaggerations of the situations. And I feel like things and emotions I’ve felt in the past were never real. I got caught up in the aesthetic attraction vs. sexual attraction spiral, and at first applied it to women, but now my mind is telling me that that’s what I’ve actually been applying to men. It feels so true even though I know I’ve been turned on by guys in the past, and had a specific type that I was into. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and get extremely nervous around men, which makes it 10x worse. Even if I want to talk to them it feels impossible because I’m scared of getting rejected. But my brain is telling me that’s because I didn’t even want to talk to them in the first place and you’re compensating for societal norms blah blah. I’m also studying psychology, which doesn’t help at all because it makes me try and psycho analyze myself when I do not have the means to do so whatsoever. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I hate it, it’s like a dark cloud is over me at all times. And I made a post on here earlier ranting about how my therapist said she thinks I’m essentially going through a sexuality crisis and haven’t explored it which sent me into a serious spiral. I know that questioning your sexuality is a pretty normal thing and acknowledged that, but i was trying to reiterate the fact that the amount I ruminate on this is not normal and she took it as me being defensive and that I’m hiding something that’s causing me so much anxiety and stress. I can’t fall back asleep because I can’t stop thinking. I know in my heart this isn’t normal but my head is so convinced at this point that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. Even typing that my brain is saying that I don’t actually know in my heart and I’m lying. It’s so exhausting, I never really worried about this kind of stuff before or paid much attention to it. And for some reason this specific episode of SOOCD is using all of my previous thoughts that I’ve had over the years against me, like it’s proof when I’ve been aware that I’ve likely been dealing with SOOCD for years and of course I have these thoughts. For example it’s been a while since I’ve had a sensation down there while being sexually active with a man, which in some part I’ve attributed to antidepressants, even though my brain tells me that’s not true. It just feels different than the last time and it’s driving me insane. I’m so anxious and like it just FEELS like I’m gay at this point. I wouldn’t really care that much if I was bi, it’s not necessarily being into women that I’m scared about but losing my attraction to men when it’s all I’ve ever known. But if I was into women I probably wouldn’t explore it, just acknowledge that I’m attracted and move on. And if that backfires in the long run then oh well. I’ve never really had a desire to be sexually involved with a woman and have fantasized about men. But I had a dream in which I was sexually involved with my TEACHER from middle school (who I never even really thought was pretty) and it made everything so much worse. It feels like these thoughts are winning and I’m just bound to succumb to them at some point, but that’s not what I want. I WANT to be with a man, and that’s how it always has been. Saying that feels like such a lie now though. I’m just exhausted and don’t know why I have to be worrying about this. I was so much happier when I was just worrying about guys. Shouldn’t I be with the gender that makes me happy? Now I just feel indifferent to them. Ugh. Sorry for the long post, just a lot of thoughts on my mind today.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Luke33:)

Date posted: 2y

I went for almost 20 years struggling with SOOCD. Being with the wrong therapists was a big problem. They all encouraged me to explore my sexuality and it only made me more miserable. Once I found an OCD specialist everything changed for the better. I still struggle and always will but am married again and able to maintain a decent relationship.

Sparker12

Date posted: 2y

This!

Date posted: 2y

I know this is reassurance, but almost everything you said/described is my experience with SOOCD. The feelings, the belief in the thoughts etc. only diff is I’m a guy that up until this thought popped in, was into women and didn’t give it a second thought. Even your comments around not caring if you were one or the other, you just want to be what you were and enjoyed it. Im in therapy with an OCD therapist and been diagnosed twice officially with a third psych that suspected it was ocd. Doesn’t help… you find reasons to believe they’re wrong too. I can’t comment re what your therapist said. I’d be super triggered by that too. My first thought is that they don’t know ocd? Im getting therapy, trying to do ERP as best I can. I find it excruciatingly hard when my brain is convinced my sexuality has changed. Literally everything is evidence, and the almost zero libido makes it even worse. I think the key is to keep working on ERP and non-engagement strats. But it’s hard.

Bse393837

Date posted: 2y

@gp Thank you for your comment! I know reassurance isn’t the best thing, but sometimes it helps put the mind at ease temporarily. It helps to know I’m not alone. The thing that bothers me is that my therapist apparently specializes in OCD, but not just that and we have been dealing with other issues before - I only brought it up yesterday. And it was going great before then. I think that I might tell her that I want to approach it in an OCD sense - and if later on we find out that’s not what it is, then we can deal with that. But I’ve suspected I’ve dealt with it for years and have never gotten help so I want to try because with the help of this community my feelings have been validated. I’ve seen so many people with the same experiences who have been diagnosed with SOOCD, so I feel like I might as well give it a shot. And if I’m wrong then my therapist and I can deal with it in the future. I know it’ll be hard, but I hope you are doing well in your journey! Keep going!

missbluesky

Date posted: 2y

Hi! You sound similar to me. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this :( it’s truly horrible. If you don’t mind me asking, how old were you when this started?

Date posted: 2y

@missbluesky I was 26.

Bse393837

Date posted: 2y

@missbluesky Hi! I was around 16.

missbluesky

Date posted: 2y

@Bse393837 I was 12…that’s too young, isn’t it?

Anxietyking5150

Date posted: 1y

All this is exactly me

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Hope you guys reply

I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.

Vee <3

Date posted: 13w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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Feeling defeated - long rant

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