Anxious attachment

I get incredibly anxiously attached and I’m trying very hard to move past it but it’s been hard. I’ve been seeing this guy who’s incredible, his communication is top tier, it feels right and he’s always there for me, but planning to do anything with him is hard. There are a lot of attributes to it being hard for us both but it’s starting to worry me, is it something I have to worry about? We’ve both become exclusive with one another but the label of bf and gf he said he wants to ask me when the time is right. He works full time, I work as well, I’m usually free during the day or night after a certain time and he has no free time during the week during the day, he also plays football. We both don’t want to meet at night as we don’t want it to always be about sex, well I’m assuming that because he’s said it before. We also both live with our parents (21 and 19) so it’s hard for us both to have our own space, which makes seeing each other even harder. We also both can’t afford big flashy dates, yes he works full time but he’s saving up for big things and I don’t wanna force him to pay for anything he knows that. But people keep saying to me “he could make more of an effort” when we text and communicate everyday without hesitation. If he can’t speak he tells me, his great at it! But it’s the fact I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks now that I’m kind of worried. He has said to me recently he’ll try and find some time, but I’m pretty sure he’s an avoidant and I’m not gonna leave him because of this fact. I’m deeply in love with him but do I even have to worry about the fact we don’t see each other everyday?? We do talk about it but we just always have things stopping us

Relationship OCD

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

This sounds like ROCD. And it also sounds like there aren’t any problems in your communication either. I was in a similar situation couple years ago and my boyfriend and I are still together. Over time you’ll find more time for each other, the relationship is new so far for you. Also remember that the relationship doesn’t have to always be 100% always there for each other crazy in love , that’s unnatural and a lot of people and movies will have you believe it’s really like that. Realistically people are busy and have their own lives, which is good. As long as you both keep up the communication which seems very good. Maybe try some at-home dates? Movie nights or cooking together? Dates don’t have to be expensive or flashy. I’m literally broke and all my boyfriend and I do is just stay at home and cook together or go on a nice scenic walk, it doesn’t even have to be sexual. Picnics are cool too.

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@Rage against the machine The thing is I know you’re right but it’s so hard to convince myself of that. It’s just we’ve lost our spot on each others best friend list on Snapchat which makes me thing he’s talking to me less and someone else more so does that mean he doesn’t want me anymore. We do the small at home dates, well we have in the past, but it’s been difficult to meet up as I’ve been very busy and then he was busy and we can only meet at night but I’m usually working the next day so we can’t have a long one but I’ve been asking this week to meet up and he said he’ll try to figure something out he’s been working a lot so like he says he’s gonna try but idk I’m freaking out. I think I struggle to realise that we don’t have to be 100% all the time. If he’s not always talking to me or always seeing me I start making things up like he doesn’t wanna see me or he’s had enough of me or he’s lost interest or he’s seeing someone else even though we are exclusive. It’s an on going battle. It has me constantly looking for reassurance from him that it’s all inside my head. I’ve only asked once and he said don’t be silly of course not I’ve just been dealing with stuff mentally which I understand. But after seeing we’ve lost our space on bff list it makes me wanna go “right I’m feeling distance what’s happening” even though I know that’ll make me feel worse and I know he’s just going through a tough time mentally. We’re both trying to navigate an adult relationship as it’s our first one, but I’m sat here thinking all this and it hurts. He’s answering slower, answering with less enthusiasm, yes he’s answering and we speak all day it’s never a ridiculous waiting time and it does feel like he still wants to talk to me but idk if I’m making it all up or not and people keep saying “he needs to make more of an effort” or “he’s not making you a priority” and like adding to the fire inside me

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

@Rough days This is ocd, it will always make you doubt. I reckon your thoughts about him being sick of you or him talking to someone else are intrusive thoughts. I think if you really are so worried about the distance tell him something like “I’ve been feeling like we have distance recently, do you feel the same?” Or maybe ask him if he is willing to do something to help this. I went through it too and I understand you. And it’ll take time to accept that not all relationships are 100% all the time, but it’s true and all you have to do is be there for each other when you need it. I’m sure you’re there for him if he’s going through a rough time. Maybe tell him (you don’t have to go into full detail) what m is going on, and why you’re worried. Maybe let him know that you haveOCD and it’s not him. It might make you feel better, you never know.

Rage against...

Date posted: 2y

Plenty of couples have lasted over 2 weeks without each other. As long as he’s not actively avoiding seeing you and is genuinely busy

AnonymousAnf

Date posted: 20w

Desperately seeking advice…

Hi, friends. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long one. Friends and family have tried to help and give me advice, but they don’t truly understand how OCD/ROCD disrupts me from thinking logically. Quick back story: I was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who I liked enough, but was never truly “in love” with. We bought a house together and everything. I broke up with him in January 2024 after learning that he had been lying to me and hiding multiple substance addictions throughout our relationship. He was also a compulsive liar. Needless to say, I was left in shambles with a ton of trust issues and a mortgage that I couldn’t afford alone. Flash forward to October 2024: I was unexpectedly setup by someone and ended up going on a date with a divorced 38 year old, I’m 30 for reference. Neither of us expected it to go anywhere and we were both the first person the other dated since ending their previous relationship/marriage. Plot twist….I fell absolutely in love with this man. I mean, getting excited to go to bed because I knew when I woke up I could talk to him again in love (🤮). Lame, I know. He said he loved me very quickly after a night of drinking, but the next day made it clear that “I know I was drunk, but I know what I said and I meant it.” Things progressed, we spent a lot of time together very quickly and there were a lot of big feelings. Things were fantastic and I felt like I was living in a movie. Now, here we are 5 months later. I’ve learned that he is definitely an avoidant, which is tough because I have an anxious attachment style. He’s stopped saying the cute things he said in the beginning, and I know that people will say that was the “honeymoon phase” but I still feel just as happy and excited to be around him as I was in the beginning. He’s been pulling away and said that he does love me and wants to be with me, but he needs to work on himself first. I ended up breaking down and telling him everything I was feeling and everything that was upsetting me. He was taken back, but said that he hears me and that everything I’ve said is extremely valid. He said he didn’t realize that I felt that way and he’s sorry. We took a few days to collect our thoughts and process, finally seeing each other again last Friday. When we saw each other we had an open and honest talk. He said that he has noticed that he’s repeating things he’s done in past relationships and that he doesn’t want to do that with me, he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he wants to be together and that he sees a future with me, but he just needs a minute before he can “fully commit” I.e. introduce me to any more of his friends and family. I’m completely lost. I want to be with him more than anything. I respect that he recognizes a pattern and his detrimental behavior and I’m willing to meet him where he is. But at the same time, should I have to try so hard for someone to love me? I don’t want to lose him, but I cannot lose myself again either. I’m torn between “the right person will do what it takes to be with you” and “if they aren’t giving you what you need, walk away”… I know this is long, but if you made it this far, any and all advice would be extremely appreciated. Thank you!!

Relationship OCD

AnomyousOctopus

Date posted: 18w

Not OCD related, just need advice.

I'm 20F, recently my 20M partner broke up with me. It was not a quick and done break up, it was more of a "we're not working" and a "we can fix this" and just non stop switching. From both of us. I don't think he is trying to hurt me, or even trying to lose me. He's an avoidant, runs from any sign of conflict or serious discussions. So ultimately, he stopped showing any sort of emotion, and completely started acting like nothing bothered him. We still text, in all honesty this is not anything to do with me or even our relationship, he's just in a very poor mental state. He doesn't have a ton of people he trusts, because of the fact he pushes people away. I'm trying to gain his trust, so that we can get to the point of a true discussion and let him feel like it's okay to break down those avoidant walls. I'm kind of going through hell though. But I know it's not an issue with me, I know it's about him. And I'm okay sticking around and comforting him even while I'm hurt. He cheated on me earlier in the relationship. Over social media, texting past girls he knew, hooked up with, or even strangers, and watching porn. I obviously was extremely hurt, but his apology was very sincere and ever since that happened, he actually abided by all my boundaries I set up. No social media, no bars, nothing until I trust him. He did listen and he did put in the effort. I've forgiven him for what he did. He told me in the beginning he has trouble committing. I'm his longest relationship, which was only about 5 months. I want to be able to get it to him that I will walk away if he does not commit to changing. If anyone is an avoidant, or has successfully healed with an avoidant please reach out. As much as you'd like to say "You're worth more, leave him.", he is a good person. He needs help and I care for him. Leaving is not an easy option for me to make

abreeclarey

Date posted: 17w

Avoidance attachment fear

I’ve been seeing tons and tons of videos about avoidant attachments on TikTok a lot! And lieterally all day I was overthinking and crying. I’m not sure if I have avoidance attachment I never got deeper into the meaning of it until yesterday and I’ve seen so many comments about it. I’m starting to think what if I’m one? Is I am how do I change? I fear relationships, I am very independent and will only ask for help if needed. This God at my job likes me and I like the way he acts and he wants a relationship which I’ve already made a few post about him. When we went to church the second time I held his hands and hugged him but I still doubted his looks . He’s not ugly but I don’t think he’s my type so I apologized for holding his hands because I don’t want to lead him on. I have prayed multiple prayers if he’s the one for me. After seeing those avoidant attachment videos I’m afraid I act this way toward the guy that likes me. Then when I ask myself “well do you like him” I get filled with anxiety. I’m not rushing in a relationship but I want to love someone not just someone loving me. Please tell me someone understands.?

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