My story so far

My hocd started about a year and a half ago. Prior to my hocd, I was in a relationship for almost a year, I was sexual active, everything felt great. I always knew I was straight, I was always very turned on by women, and I was never questioning if I wanted to be with a women. Since hocd started, all of that has vanished. In the early stages I had constant anxiety surrounding my intrusive thoughts. Once I learned what hocd was, which was about 6 months into having it, my symptoms started to change. I got more urges and false attractions with no anxiety. it started to attack my emotions, it made everything feel real to the point I just felt like I was in denial. It made me question constantly if I want to love a women or man. It has made me question if I’m faking this whole thing just so I don’t have to come out. When I look at my phone every time I see a picture of man and a women I’m always wondering who I looked at first, and thinking that when I look at a man first that it means I’m gay. My brain is constantly telling me my sexuality changed. I don’t understand it because I always had a very strong attraction to women prior. But now that my attraction and libido are gone, it feels like my body has made a permanent change. I’m stuck honestly. I’ve made Improvements for sure, but it’s just tough to believe that this a disorder doing all this to my mind and believing these are actual hocd symptoms when my mind keeps making me feel like I want the thoughts or that I want to be gay. I don’t know how to disregard it when it’s feels so true and real. I just wish I had a sign or some hope that I want to be with a women. I want to be able to take back my emotions again. Can anyone else relate to this?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Meg Johnson

Date posted: 2y

I can relate, especially to the part where you said once you found out it was HOCD, your symptoms for stronger and led to you being convinced. Within 2 months, my symptoms for worse after finding out it was HOCD, I started getting false memories, false desire, false excitement and it makes me question constantly what I want.

Anonymous2602

Date posted: 2y

Bro I literally relate to every word you just said. Just stick through it and remember the times before HOCD when you were happy and didn’t question anything. That helps me a little bit i guess. Your not alone brother stay strong

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Stay strong kings, this disorder/ disease whatever you want to call is B.S. what I have realized the most out of all this stuff is that Jesus is the answer to all of our problems. Finding your purpose with God has been the greatest peace in my mind. The motivation to follow Gods word and life for him as he died for me. This situation that we’re all going through is a reminder and blockade in the road that is trying to trick you into thinking you’re something that isn’t real. I thought about it the past couple of weeks and realized that these thoughts im having aren’t real. This is game your brain is playing with you which is messed up on a lot of levels. Trust in the process and I believe in my heart that everyone will achieve success with what they are looking for in relationships and find there true desires for there life. God bless you all and thank you Jesus.

Anonymous123

Date posted: 24w

Can anyone tell me if this is normwl

Hi so I've been having a recent theme of soocd hocd. At the start I was all panicked and couldn't leave my house. Now all my emotions feel like they have turned off. It feels real now like I'm just in denial. It's bringing up memories from the past of shows I've watched or people I was friends with to try and prove the point or people I thought were pretty. It's saying you've only realised now cause you are comfortable as I had a difficult childhood. I feel no attraction towards men and can't remember if I ever have now even though I know I did. It's saying its all fake. I really am. Starting to believe it's real and I just feel depressed now. Am I going to have to leave my boyfriend who I planned my life with. It feels like life is going by and I'm stuck. I have no energy at all.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

anxiousgirlhelp

Date posted: 13w

Share recovery stories as I am in need of hope!

This is killing me slowly day by day, im a straight female 20 years old, i started getting hocd after a break up with an ex and coming off intense use of 🍁🍃 for a few years on and off, i think it has messed up my brain so bad… my hocd is weird because ive been with men my whole life always wanted to be with men.. i also used to always question every relationship “do i love him? Does he love me? Am I with the right person?” Anyways after my hocd triggered my tocd due to researching hocd and finding they can often be linked, I started getting tocd and it’s worse then ever because it’s not who I want to be and I’m going back to situations where my abusive ex partner called me a “man” during a fight. I’ve always been a tomboy but never had same sex attraction. Help. This is killing me. I haven’t been able to study or leave the house most days, and work! I’ve lost motivation for everything and I’m in a dark hole. I need some success stories please

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