Just some late night thoughts

So I’m going to college soon and every time I think about it, I feel like the odd one out because of my intrusive thoughts. Like I literally feel like an “intruder” going to school because of how my thoughts make me feel. This is also every time I talk to my friends, my brain is like “your friends are talking to a future criminal”. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be there and have good memories and like my thoughts are inevitable. I feel like a completely different person from who I was before June. Of course I have had these thoughts throughout my life, but nothing that stuck longer than a week or two. It’s so weird how one day your perfectly happy and the other you feel like a completely different person. Furthermore, while these thoughts don’t make me happy and provide anxiety, those feelings feel so forced sometimes. Also I’m sure a lot of us do this, but when I think of the thought and want to feel disgust (as one does), it feels like I’m forcing that feeling. During the beginning of June I was nauseated by these thoughts and crying most days, now they just feel annoying more than anything because there’s nothing I can really do to provide relief. I constantly am questioning whether this is me or not and at this point I don’t even know. I feel like the thoughts have gradually went from making me want to vomit to questioning whether I would actually do it. Anyone else?

Harm OCD

Username: hunter halehunter hale

Date posted: 1y ago

I am in the same boat pretty much. I go around and try to have a good day and by default since I’ve had this for a while my ocd adds importance to these harmful thoughts that I have had in the past that totally freaked me out and gave me panic attacks or give me a brand new one to add to the uncertainty of me being some unrealized future murderer. It can be very scary and trust me it makes you feel like you’re the only one. But millions of people deal with this and it makes them feel like monsters. But just know you can feel much better and you can control your life. In the moment it feels like the world is crashing down and that’s because it’s the opposite of who you are as a person. You are disgusted by harm and hateful behavior like me. But with ocd our brains want us to be worried about everything so it’s gonna confuse you. But please know… no matter how real it feels you can always go back to your normal mind state. Have you tried meditation?

Username: flowerpetalsflowerpetals

Date posted: 1y ago

@hunter hale Thank you! And yes, I have tried meditation. It works sometimes, but not as well as I’d like it to. I feel like that more so has to deal with that fact that it’s hard to keep your mind from focusing on what your obsessing over, but there are times when I can get it to work.

Username: hunter halehunter hale

Date posted: 1y ago

@pickedpeppers No problem. Meditation is really hard for people who don’t have ocd too that’s what I had to learn a while back. But noticing thoughts as clouds passing in the sky was great for me. Eckhart Tolle is great to watch when ur having trouble.

Username: yukariyukari

Date posted: 1y ago

I can understand. A person going through stuff and performing rituals. And when college starts it's gonna affect a lot.

Username: D:)D:)

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

the way you described this… wow you hit home. i have been experiencing the EXACT same thing. i was doing fairly well with my ocd until the end of June, and my hocd got so bad, causing panic attacks and ultimately having to quit work because of how anxious i was something was going to happen. being in college as well, i can’t tell you how many times I have felt “different” from those around me or almost invisible & people can see right through me to my issues & thoughts. i’ve also questioned my friends or wanting to get into a relationship because i feel like im being fake or putting on a front because of my disorder. i have also really begun to question if im deserving of good things. it can make it hard to look into the future because “what if something happens” “what if I lose control and attack someone”. im so sorry you’re dealing with this too, it’s really draining. you’re doing great keep pushing💛💛

Username: flowerpetalsflowerpetals

Date posted: 1y ago

@D:) Awhhh thank you 🩷🩷 I hope some day we’re all able to find that happiness we used to have or something better!!

Username: D:)D:)

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@pickedpeppers 🩷🩷 even though all of this is SO HARD, it’s making you stronger day by day🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

Username: heiz

Date posted: 5y ago

I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

Harm OCD

Username: getwellsoon

Date posted: 4y ago

so i feel like i need to vent because all of this is just building up, 3 months ago when i had my first intrusive thought that caused an obsession that went on for weeks and then every other week a new intrusive thought would pop up and i’d obsess over that one. and it continues with multiple themes. some even similar to the one i’m dealing with right now but for some reason this one feels so much more real then again all the themes did. i really don’t know how to explain it, frightened if it’s just me. some days i feel completely numb to it like i’m a bad person but if that was so why would i keep fighting it and being in distress over it. it’s breaking my heart. i should know that it’s no coincidence since i’ve been dealing with this thing. whatever it might be ): i really don’t want to give up but i’m just scared. it all feels wrong and i feel numb or sometimes the ugliest stuff pops into my head. also the old themes have tried popping up again. i wonder if this whole thing is just my fault if it’s all just me but the truth is i guess i’ll never know... there’s so much more i could say... but i hope someone can relate to this... is it possible to feel just completely not like yourself like you’re trying so hard to just be the way you are but it’s hard because you have to sit with the fear inside your head... cause tbh there’s no other choice

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 3y ago

I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.

Harm OCD

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Just some late night thoughts

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