Hard day today

My HOCD is so intense today. Started remembering things in my past that OCD tries to use as evidence to prove it’s real. I just finished crying and repeatedly saying I don’t want to be gay. I know it’s a compulsion but nothing helps right now when I freak out. I feel so afraid of what I might become. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of questioning everything. Every time I step outside my house I always mentally review every conversation I have with every man and I deepen my voice or try to appear more masculine because I’m so afraid of giving off the wrong impression. I’m so scared to even be on social media in the fear that I might appear gay to someone. I just feel I cannot breathe without worrying or questioning myself. I don’t want to be gay ever, I want a wife and children and It feels like no matter what I watch on TV, or play any type of game, there’s always something that triggers me. Sorry for the rant, It’s a bad day. If anyone can just let me know i’m not alone, that would be nice

I got very triggered today. I’ve been doing so good, but I read a couple of posts on here that were very triggering for me. I saw a one that it is more likely for this theme to be true and people find out they are actually gay at the end of it and then another one that had said they hadn’t figured it out yet and the just scared me. I don’t want to be gay. I have never looked at women or wanted to be with them until this hit me. It has caused me the deepest distress. I have lost all attraction towards males but now feel false attraction to females and it sets me off. I feel as if I have lost myself through out this. I do not know who I am or what I want. I just want my old life back before this. I constantly get the thoughts of “what if I am gay and just lying to myself” “what if it isn’t false attraction” “what if after all of this I find out I am gay” I’m just having a bad day, and I want this affliction to go away. I see posts where people have had it for years and it stresses me out. What if I never get better? What if these thoughts stay with me forever. I’m just struggling today.

I was able to sleep better but being calm takes me down to a spiral. I’m scared, what if I’m bisexual or a lesbian and I’m just lying to myself? What if I like the exposures, what if the exposures become my moment of truth? I feel like my attraction to men is there but it has disappeared. My mind keeps screaming I am lying about being straight and my attraction to men. It makes me feel like I like the idea of being with a woman now. My face smiles, it feels like it’s playing cruel games. I don’t see myself growing old with a woman. I know it’s OCD, but it just feels so real. I have friends and family who would accept me if I were bisexual or a lesbian. But I don’t want to. I feel like I have fed this monster even more fuel with doing mental reviews and googling. It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve struggled with SO-OCD in the past and was able to not think about my sexuality. But this time it just feels so real. I started sertraline yesterday. I know ERP is going to be hard work, but I’m just scared what if I’ve been in denial? I don’t want to lose another part of myself. My heart goes out to the bisexual community and how challenging it may be for them loving two or multiple genders. But I just don’t want to be with a woman. But my mind is telling me I have internalized biphobia. I just don’t want to. I hate this so much.