Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

Im sorry if this sounds stupid

Im aware that I have OCD — I am diagnosed with it, this isn’t my first theme, it runs in my family, etc. BUT, I am so scared that my SOOCD is just having OCD about my sexual awakening… I am terrified that the reason why I don’t want to be gay/bi is because I just don’t want to accept myself. Whenever I do a checking compulsion and ask myself “do you want to be with a girl?” I always think something like “no, I see girls as friends, nothing romantic.” I am afraid that I’m just suppressing my feelings for women and labeling them as friends because I don’t want to accept myself.. this OCD is never ending

Sexual Orientation OCD

PumpkinFrapp

Date posted: 2y

I’ve seen so many posts online that say to just “ask yourself if you would date x and if the answer is yes/no, that means y” but all it’s really done is become a compulsion to the point where the answer feels like “I don’t know” or even “Maybe” at times, which stresses me out even more. Try not to ask yourself these questions since it’s OCD trying to gain certainty.

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@CaramelFrapp Thanks girl and yup I’ve been there too

avacado3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hey there - I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. I dealt with the same thing actually, and have definitely had doubts about whether or not SOOCD is my sexual awakening and I’m just in denial of it. Here’s a tip: getting involved in the details of what ocd is saying, for example getting stuck on that thought of “maybe this is just my sexual awakening” and looking for proof of that or trying to disprove it is getting you stuck - which is exactly what ocd wants. It can help to look at ocd like a bully - it wouldn’t be sending you that thought if it didn’t think you would react to it. With my SOOCD - which has just started to get better recently - the best thing that I could do is whenever the doubts started creeping in.. I immediately sit with that uncertainty. Tonight actually, I was watching a romcom and I thought that the main woman was pretty - and my ocd immediately wanted me to start ruminating about whether or not that meant something. So in that moment I repeated to myself “Maybe I’m gay, maybe I’m gay 🤷‍♀️” and let the anxiety rise and fall again. Then it gave me some clarity. The thing with ocd is that it likes to pair things together very closely - for example the fact that you might find someone pretty and wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them. It immediately ties a perceived threat to the worst possible scenario, which it sounds like it’s done here. It has tied you having doubts about your sexuality to the conclusion that you must be in denial. But perhaps that’s the ocd talking? The only way to know is to slowly expose yourself over time. What helped me, because looking at attractive people was a bit too much at first - is i would repeat the phrase “She is pretty” (a lower level exposure) all the way to “i mUsT be gay and not know it”. Picking a few phrases that may be triggering and doing rounds of repeating them, feeling any anxiety that comes up and sitting with it until it comes down can help. Then moving up, looking at photos of attractive people of both genders, all the way to having a conversation with someone who is gay about their journey. I know cause I’ve been there that it feels really scary. It sucks, especially cause sexuality can be such an important part of our lives and identity. But i want you to know you’re not alone!! 🤗 you can do this. The only thing us ocders can do is treat each subtype as if it’s ocd, it helps to step back and look at it this way “how am i going to respond to this intrusive thought?” Cause it can get real sticky when we’re getting involved in the reasoning. I’d say check out @zachwesterbeck on Instagram - he has some great stuff on SOOCD since it was his biggest theme too. Also research thought defusion, emotional reasoning, and cognitive distortions if you aren’t familiar already. Meditation also helps me a lot! But anyways - you got this. I believe in you!! Hope things get better and that this was helpful ❤️🤗

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@avacado3 Im sorry, I’m just now seeing this for some reason! I really appreciate your advice, that was so thoughtful:)) I’m happy that your SOOCD is getting better, good for you !! I will definitely check that account out. Thank you 🩷🩷!!

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Are you me? 😭 I feel the exact same way! I had OCD since childhood and SOOCD isn’t my first theme either, however, I’ve been handling this one the worst. Things are getting better though, it’s just really hard and devastating that we can’t get a clear answer.

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@blazed I notice you got the OCD Conqueror tag!! Congrats girl! Also, I agree with that. This theme is so difficult for me because it messes with the way I live my life and I can’t trust my feelings! I just don’t know who I am anymore, I have no idea ..

Hồng Anh

Date posted: 2y

@blazed I notice u got the OCD Conqueror. Congrats girl! Btw, can u tell me how do u feel now. Do u feel better

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Hồng Anh Thank you both! 💓 as for your question, yes, I do feel better in comparison to the beginning of this year and last year. I used to be so anxious all the time and my depression was at its worst. Now, I don’t ruminate nearly as much and I’m able to move past the anxiety quicker, but I’m dealing with feelings of shame, sadness, and sometimes guilt.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mia Mia I relate to this so much. My feelings are all over the place, especially when I’m talking to guys bc I feel like I’m lying on purpose and being deceptive. I tend to run away from romantic relationships bc I just feel like an imposter.

Hồng Anh

Date posted: 2y

@blazed Do u have ig . I want to talk with u

RileyB17

Date posted: 2y

@blazed I feel this way too! So-ocd became my most prominent theme when I was 16 and I'm 21 now. I've avoided dating for so long, but at this point I'm sick of it. Do you have any tips on navigating dating when you do feel like an imposter? Or anything that has helped you?

Lavender.

Date posted: 2y

@blazed In my experience, when my ocd was at its peak I was running from relationships too. A couple of guys showed interest in me but I simply was too unstable to be able to give them anything back, trust them, and put them through the hassle of dealing with me being crazy and depressed. Then this episode of ocd started to end on its own. No medication, no therapy, and in two years I had zero concerns about my sexuality. This was when I naturally got interested in dating again, and when I started dating my bf. Getting serious with him triggered soocd back again, but I'm now doing therapy, on medication, and I'm ok most of the time. Before starting treatment I felt SO bad in my relationship though. I felt I was an imposter, that I was lying to him and myself, and that I had to breakup with him. Soocd makes dating really hard, but it's not impossible, ladies.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@RileyB17 Me too! I used to be so stressed over the thought of dating. But I realized that I don’t have to jump into it right away - starting off slowly is the best approach. I’m only talking to people rn and haven’t been on any dates yet, but even just doing that helped me realize that all of this 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 is just false alarms going off in my head. Once I stopped avoiding so much, I started gaining more clarity and my distress tolerance increased. Also, my therapist told me that we’re going to be struggling either way, but we have the choice to struggle and continue to feed our OCD, or struggle and move in a different direction towards recovery. That helped put things into perspective.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Lavender. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better! I felt the exact same way whenever guys showed interest in me and it’s an awful feeling. I was never like that before, I actually enjoyed dating guys in my teens but once SOOCD started and I got into the whole comphet thing, my life spiralled out of control. The hardest thing for me now is dealing with the guilt, even though I don’t need to feel guilty about anything? The fear still lingers but it’s not as bad as before.

Mia Mia

Date posted: 2y

@blazed Im so happy for you !! I heard that life after recovery is sometimes hard too. I think chrissie Hodges has some videos on that topic if you ever need some help or assurance🩷

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 20w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 20w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

anonymouscookie

Date posted: 8w

so ocd and bisexuality

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.

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Im sorry if this sounds stupid

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