Confused

Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help

(This post discusses Religion/spirituality in regards to Christianity. And thus touches on some Christian themes. But you dont need to be christian to read it/ or even benefit from it. So whatever walk of life your from and if your willing to give it a shot I hope it brings you some comfort too.) Hello soldier, how goes the day? But really OCD can make everyday feel like an uphill battle, and even at the end of the day you don't really feel like you won. Wherever your at in your journey today, know your not alone. I'm here talk about something specific, and if you've read the tags, you can probably take a guess. I have Religious OCD and a lot of other ones that interconnect with it. It wasn't always this way, but it has been the heart of my OCD struggle for the last decade. The battle has waxed and waned for that time but it has been terrible for over a year. Today I have spent trying to connect with God despite my OCD, and all my other issues. (Dont misunderstand me, ocd is a big part of my struggle-and it only to serves to exacerbate my other questions and worries.) Today I've tried to understand that God can handle my dirt and shame. And won't walk away even when I stop believing im not a lost cause.-and hey if you ever struggle to believe that God hasn't given up on you, your not alone. But im here to talk about something I've found in the last while. If your on this website then you know now that OCD is not something your alone with-despite knowing this it can be very hard to believe somebody has the exact same issues as you- and the more shameful it is-the less people want to talk about it. But GOOD NEWS- some of the people on this journey happen to be very brave (maybe you and me aren't feeling very brave right now, but thats okay too.) So I took the time this evening to look up some things about Christians with religious OCD. Because it is one thing entirely to know that OCD affects people from all walks of life. It is another thing to hear your thoughts come from someone else's mouth. So im gonna touch on a couple things I learned/relearned a few minutes ago. 1. Does your OCD make you question your salvation? If so, your not alone-this is something that a lot of people struggle with-and it can feel very scary. 2. Do you struggle to stop your compulsions? I think this is something we all struggle with no matter your OCD subtype. I have often tried to stop my compulsions ot even just delay them for a bit....but the guilt/shame creeps up on me, and i give after a bit because it's like a bird pecking on the inside of my skull-and then I feel increased guilt for trying to delay in the first place-its that little voice that says 'why did you tarry on the way to repentance.' (Yeah that voice is fantastic, it can actively impede your recovery to a stuttering halt if you let it. ) 3. All of our doubts leading back to one question. 'What if it's not just OCD?' Again I think this is something we all struggle with, but it can be especially difficult to deal with when your subtype has less physical evidence to go off of. Here's an example: when I was between the ages 5-10 my ocd centered around getting sick. Due to an incorrect allergy test-it was thought I had a dairy allergy. For almost 5 years I was on a dairy free diet. But, like I said the allergy test was incorrect. Nevertheless reincorporating dairy into my diet was a struggle. But it was less of one because I could active progress. The first time I drank milk was terrifying, but each time after that was easier and easier as I saw nothing happened. As much as I wish I could apply that to this subtype of OCD it's very difficult when there's nothing I can really do to be certain I have not sinned. (And im sure some other subtypes have the same problem) and so the question arises "What if it's not just OCD?" The what ifs will kill you-tonight i read how it's one of OCD favorite and most effective ways to keeping us trapped. (Feel scared and unsure-me too) I wish I could explain it the way I read about it if only to try and help you all understand. But the bottom line is this is another way OCD has disguised itself to make it look like a real threat. In closing (Land sakes alive, this was a long post and im still not sure if I made my point or not) all that doubt and fear your feeling-yeah dont let OCD use that against you anymore than it already has. (For a long time I've kinda looked down on ERP. Even if it worked for others, I didn't think it would work for me because how could this every be less scary with no physical reassurence -or worse what if by getting rid of my fear I tore down the one thing protecting me from actually acting on those thoughts. Tonight I feel hopeful again, if only a little (maybe even hopeful enough to give ERP a try)....and if your as tired, ashamed,sad, and weary as I am. I wanted to try and give you a little hope too. And if your feeling as lost as I was a bit ago try looking up some blogs from someone people who have your subtype-it is strangely effective to hear someone talk about fighting with doubts and recovery when you dont always feel sure it's possible. Good night brave adventurers....I dont know if today had more victories or losses for you but we're still here so it's not over yet.

Good morning! I’ve been diagnosed with OCD for 5 years now, but just began looking for help with therapy. I’ve been well regulated on SSRIs for 5 years, but since my husband got laid off, we moved to a new state, I took a new job in a new field, and we are living with my parents at the moment, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and OCD. Im maxed out on my SSRI, and I also want to push myself to find answers for myself without turning to medication, because with big life changes, I’ve always increased the dosage and never addressed the issues at hand with ERP/coping. I have anxiety everyday while at work. Obsessive thoughts of “am I anxious right now?” “Will I ever feel better?” “Is treatment working?” “Can I do this?” “Am I scared to be alone?” “Am I truly happy here?” These thoughts send me into a space where I’m crying at my desk, struggling to get through the day, and feeling no self confidence. I’m not content with just being in the process and I’m struggling to acknowledge anxious thoughts without ruminating or trying to fix them- I want answers and fixes now and I’m so scared I’ll never feel or get better. Any advice? It’s messy - it’s not straight up OCD, but it also doesn’t feel like generalized anxiety.