Why Do I Keep Asking?

I don’t know if it’s worth it to keep going. I have so many diagnoses, so little support, and constant struggles with finding the right medication. My immune system is weak, I have multiple deficiencies, and I’m dealing with so many physical health problems on top of severe OCD. It’s just too much. On top of everything, my family treats me so not okay. Every single day is a fight just to keep going—to wake up, to eat, to take care of myself even a little. I’ve lost over ten pounds in the last two weeks from how depressed I’ve been. And instead of support, all I get is blame. My family constantly throws my struggles in my face, calling me selfish, as if I’m choosing this. I am trying so hard to push past all of this. But after five long months of severe OCD, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and everything else making life unbearable, I am exhausted. And to be called lazy? Selfish? *Worthless*? How am I supposed to keep going when the people around me refuse to see how hard I’m trying? I don’t want this anymore. None of this suffering feels worth it. What am I fighting for just to be treated this way by my own family? To be yelled at for the look on my face, when my face reflects nothing but the stress, panic, and despair I’m drowning in? Am I still supposed to smile for them? This isn’t fair. No one should have to live like this. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I’m really trying to keep going, but I just want everything to end.

Okay. So, for those who have seen my previous posts, you are probably well versed in what I have been going through, but I feel like venting again. 😅 So, my brother came home from the hospital (because of SI), and I'm extremely on edge from that. Bro has the F*CKING AUDACITY to mock me when I'm in pain, sigh, cry, or laugh. When he used to do that, he would smack/punch/kick/etc. me, and I got in trouble with DCFS for hitting back (1 1/2 years ago), so now I can't have kids until I'm 21 (I'll be 18 in 9 days), otherwise, they'll be taken away. I cannot laugh, joke (I'm the queen of dad jokes), cry, TALK in a silly voice, sing (my main stress relief, even if it's excruciating), or anything along the lines of expressing myself without him becoming "triggered" because it's a "boundary." I AIN'T DOING SH*T TO HIM. I MOSTLY STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET SNAPPED AT FOR TALKING TO >OUR< PARENTS. I don't want to go home at the end of the day, to be honest. I'm soo f*cking DONE with all this BULLSH*T!!! I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks my brother and I are just "faking" and "attention seeking." HOW THE F*CK DO YOU FAKE A SEIZURE??? OR MY LEG RANDOMLY CONVULSING. I DON'T F*CKING WANT BRUISES EVERYWHERE! I DON'T WANT TO FALL DOWN THE F*CKING >>STAIRS<<!!!! So then my OCD goes into overdrive, telling me that I'm not in pain, that I am faking everything, that there is nothing wrong with me, and to stop lying. That the memories of falling down the stairs are just fake and lies, even though I have the bruises to prove it. I don't get dizzy, I don't stumble, and I don't see stars when I CLEARLY AM. I'm so TIRED. My anxiety is going INSANE, so of course my BPD mood swings have to as well, so that's just f*cking PERFECT!! Absof*ckinglutely PERFECT. I'm tired of my body not working properly, I HATE my body. I HATE my personality because of how insanely unpredictable it causes me to be. I HATE how helpless I feel. I just want to make my family happy. I want them to love me. I don't want to be a burden anymore. 💔😢

I'm drowsy, which is a frequent problem in the motel room I live in, but I want to get something posted. I don't have the energy to post everything I need to say. I need someone who can help me navigate forms and processes to do several things, not all of which I'm going to post right now. I'm in an abusive relationship (not physically), and many agree, including The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They said I'm also being financially abused. I have no friends or family IRL, and I'm alone. For years, my only socializing has been giving servers my orders, paying cashiers, discussing services, and talking to my boyfriend (which usually doesn't go well, plus we mostly avoid conversation with each other, because it's best). I can't leave because of OCD, panic disorder, physical disabilities, and finances. I'm severely obese, which has caused a lot of difficulties. I get out of breath just reaching for some things and I deal with a lot of pain and discomfort. I can't walk stores. I often eat at one restaurant (I try to eat as healthy as I can there), but recently, I have to ask for a table closer to the bathroom. They often don't understand how difficult it is for me to walk from further away. I get exhausted and sweaty when using the bathroom and people stare at me. Once in awhile, people ask if I'm OK. I sometimes worry I will have to sit down before I get back to my table if it's not close enough. Using the bathroom takes me an embarrassingly long time, partially for physical reasons, partially because of OCD. I suffer from urge incontinence. I literally have to live my life around it. I've begged my boyfriend to order the much better-fitting, more comfortable, and more absorbent underwear I tried samples of, but he doesn't. The cheap underwear doesn't come in my size and is worse in every way. The OCD and panic disorder are insinuated in pretty much every part of my life, including the disabilities. No one gets it or understands. No one who can help me takes Medicare here. I get overwhelmed easily and my head gets foggy, and I don't have the energy or can't think right (racing thoughts) trying to call resources, and they sometimes rush me, cut me off, or seem impatient. Yes, I am on medication and have been for most of my life. I've been on many medications, and I have a very different opinion of them and the mental health system than when I was young. I'm 57 and I've been dealing with this since I was 10. I have severe dental problems and it affects how I eat, look, speak, and feel. It's humiliating. At the same time, what I eat in general affects my body in unpleasant ways sometimes. Soft foods aren't always the best, but I can't eat really hard foods. My boyfriend and I have lived in a motel room for about six years, plus bounced from hotels for awhile before that, after my boyfriend lost his house. It's hell. I'm not getting into what some label "politics." I have things I need help with regarding that. I could say SO much more, and there's so much I haven't gone into (like the abuse). I need someone who can help me, not just make me feel better because we talked. I need someone who can help me make changes.