Hi all. Iโm writing this because I canโt stop spiraling and I donโt know who to talk to without feeling judged. I (27F) have OCD, so emotional safety and perceived red flags are something I hyper-analyze. My boyfriend (24M) and I are in a long-distance relationship, Im just on vacation right now . Weโve had our ups and downs, but overall, itโs a loving connection. Thatโs why this particular moment is bothering me so much.
Last night, we were on a video call, flirting. At one point I said, โGo to the bathroom first,โ before things got more intimate (he has a roommate and wanted privacy). After a few minutes, he came back and said, โOkay Iโm alone.โ But I hesitated. I was acting playfully shy and holding back.
Thatโs when he said something like, โYou said if I went to the bathroom, youโd show me something. This isnโt my (my name)โsheโs not shy with me.โ He said it smiling, and I was smiling too, but later it started to gnaw at me. My OCD kicked in. I started spiraling: Did that cross a line? Was that pressuring?
I brought it up to him, and while he tried to be supportive, I could tell he was caught off guard. He said something like, โIโm trying my best to support you, but I feel sad that you would think Iโd ever pressure you like that.โ And then, in what he admitted later was a โdumb joke,โ he said: โIโm not like your dadโI wonโt get mad if you say no or disagree with something.โ
(For context: Iโve told him before about my fatherโs anger issues from my childhood. Itโs a very sensitive topic.)
I got upset and told him never to bring my father into things like that. He immediately apologized and said, โI realized it right afterโthat the thing I said as a joke to get you out of overthinking was serious. Iโm so sorry again, and I feel really bad right now. I respect you and I respect everyone in your family.โ
After that, he was very gentle. We stayed on the call for a while longer, I felt heard, and we ended things with โI love you.โ But today I still feel emotionally sore. Not because I think heโs abusive or manipulativeโhe isnโtโbut because I felt something shift. He saw me cry like that for the first time, and now I feel exposed and over-analytical. My OCD brain is stuck on what if this was a red flag? Even though he apologized and explained himself, I still feel unsettled.
Whatโs making it harder is that I havenโt even told my best friend. I usually tell her everything, but Iโm scared to bring this up. I know she already has reservations about him (sheโs very protective of me), and I feel like if I share this, sheโll just add it to the โreasons heโs not right for youโ list. But I donโt want her judgmentโI want clarity. Iโm scared that sharing it will make things worse instead of better, and thatโs an isolating feeling.
I want this relationship to work. I donโt usually cry like that in front of people. I donโt usually feel safe enough to. And he did show up in the end. But now I donโt know how to trust myselfโis this a moment to work through together, or am I ignoring something important?
Would love some kind, grounded perspective. Thanks for reading.
