My mistakes

I can’t stop looking back at the bad things I’ve done. The things I would never ever do and the things a broken person did. During the period of time I made some horrible decisions I was the most depressed I’ve ever been and on the brink of losing myself completely. I went against every moral in the book, looked at myself with zero respect and couldn’t care less what happened to me or around me. The thing I did, I didn’t do it with malice, I didn’t do it to hurt people, I did it because I genuinely didn’t think of the consequences or the lack of respect. I was selfish and I know that. I fully took responsibility and apologised to all parties involved, I know what I did was wrong and I accept that, but I’m worried that I’m never gonna be able to forget about it. The guy I’m seeing now I wasn’t seeing when it happened, but his male “friend” we’ll say was involved. He doesn’t like him not one bit, but I wanna keep that part of my life in the last. Am I allowed to do that? I really wanna forget but it’s like I have this little monster in my head screaming “you’re a disgusting person remeber this? Yeah everyone is gonna leave you! EVERYONE HATES YOU” and I’m back to square one. I love this boy more than life itself, loosing him would loose me. Can I just move on and start learning from my mistakes?

a0782

Date posted: 2y

A few years ago I had a similar issue when it came to ruminating about all the people I hurt when I was younger. I felt like the worst person to ever exist. Like all my actions were the worst in all of history. Even if they were unintentional mistakes I made as a dumb teen. I've fully gotten over it. Sometimes it tries to creep back in but my brain is too focused trying to tear me down with other things. I just posted this earlier but this week I unintentionally messed something up on a shared project that will either be totally unfixable or will be fixed with a ton of work. Theres a lot of uncertanity surrounding it and this whole week I haven't been able to eat and wake up with panic attacks obsessing over it. It's torture. I don't know how long you've been dealing with this particular worry. I can tell you that my issues with my own past mistakes have gone away and theres a good chance yours will too. Unforunately the underlying issues (anxiety/ocd/lack of self esteem/etc) hasn't gotten better for me. Hopefully that will change as I just startef treatment a few weeks ago. Stay strong. 💞 Its hard for you brain to accept but you are deserving of self forgiveness and compassion.

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@a0782 It’s nice to feel recognised, if I could take back the stuff I did I would with no hesitation! I never wanted to be a horrible person or even do it out of malice, it happened and I just remember not thinking about anything. The thing is the mistake I made it was a drunk one and I was so dumb and depressed. This was in December, I was at a very low point. It always goes away then tried to creep back in and I hate it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how hard it is. I’ll have my fingers crossed treatment goes well!!💕

a0782

Date posted: 2y

@Rough days I understand. When I was going through the same thing as you I had never felt so much self hatred. I felt sick. I took full responsibility but even then I felt like for as long as I lived I would always be considered the scum of society. One thing that made me feel better was regonizing that I do feel bad. That I do have empathy and see the error in my ways. Its good to remind yourself that there are some people who rob, kill, and intentionally hurt people with no remorse and sometimes even do it for their own pleasure. I fully believe as long as you recognize your wrongs and do what you can to make it right then you're allowed to move on. Though with our condition ours brains love to obsess and keep us stuck. One thing that helps but doesn't fully cure it of course is to tell myself that what I'm experiencing is mental illness. My view of reality is distorted. I know its hard to accept now but I believe this current theme of yours will pass eventually. 💞

stuckonathought

Date posted: 2y

@a0782 I hope it does pass, I can’t help but think I’m gonna loose everyone because of it. I also feel sick when I think about it. I feel like the worst person ever, and I’m scared you’re giving this advice because you think it’s something like small but at the time it was huge, something that goes against all my morals. But I do feel so much remorse and the guilt is unbearable. At the time I just did it for the sake of doing it because I was genuinely on the verge of not wanting to be here anymore. I know I was wrong and like you said our brains love to keep us obsessed with things we wanna move on from and they keep us stuck, it’s horrible. I’m beyond glad my bf is gonna leave me because of it, I don’t wanna tell him or talk about it and he’s said you don’t have to. But it involves someone he knows and I just hate thinking about it

vmpstr_

Date posted: 25w

past guilt

hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.

JustMe28

Date posted: 22w

Constant rumination of past mistake

Hi everyone, I’m new here, and I wanted to share my experience. I’ve been struggling for over a year now on obsessing over a mistake. And the rumination of the mistake I made has been overwhelming and exhausting in those two years. I feel like such a horrible person. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing would affect me so much. When I realized it was wrong, I just said I’ll never do it again, and I moved on. But then months later, I was reminded of what I did, and I felt like I did the worst thing in the world, and that my life will never be normal again. And ever since then, it’s been a constant thought. And it’s exhausting. I have been able to open up to my family and a close friend about it and their reactions were so nonchalant compared to what my brain has been telling me. They say it wasn’t even that bad, and that I shouldn’t be beating myself up. I tell them how badly I feel and they just act like it was nothing. I thought that would help, but my brain continues to tell me how horrible of a person I am and I obsess over this one mistake I made two years ago. I’ve learned from it, I’ve moved on, I’ve opened up about it, I’ve gotten reassurance, but yet it still eats at me. It’s constant some days. Where all I wanna do is lay down in a corner and never leave. I feel like my life will never be normal again and I’ll never experience happiness again. Whenever I smile or feel any type of joy my brain tells me to stop and reminds me that I’m a bad person and I don’t deserve to be happy. Even though everyone tells me what I did wasn’t even that bad. And that it doesn’t make me who I am. But guess it’s not enough and I’m really running out of options.

Real Events OCD

crybaby

Date posted: 17w

Advice please!!

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

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My mistakes

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