i feel like such a bad boyfriend

i second guess my feeling for him basically 22 hours of the day and my intrusive thoughts are so aggressive too, like “you dont love him, you think hes ugly, you think he smells bad” stuff like that and they arent even “what if” thoughts anymore and i feel so guilty. I am basically at the point where I’ve convinced myself that im forcing myself to be in this relationship because i dont want to uproot my life and that i hate him, but every time i think about breaking up i start crying and i hate the idea and these thoughts give me SO much anxiety. To the point where i feel like i cant even eat sometimes, and i dont want to feel like this everyday because i want to be sure that i love my partner, and the small moments that im not spiraling, i feel so sure and so clear that i want to spend the rest of my life with him and i hate it because why is it that one moment i can be so sure that i love him and the one moment i feel like im lying to myself and i need to ruminate on that feeling. im so tired of myself.

Relationship OCD

Username: Stuart SStuart S

Date posted: 1y ago

I felt this way a lot of my time with my now wife. I had just always felt like even though those doubts were really strong, I couldn't really trust those intrusive thoughts, so I'd let it go. It's especially hard because I also have some confessional ocd and really want to talk to my wife when doubts like that come up. It gets hard to know when something is a real issue or something intrusive, so the amount of communication for me gets really hard to figure out. Anyway, for me, our relationship is now really great. I still have doubts, but it helped me to make conscious decisions that I wanted to be with her: I wanted to get married, buy a house, have kids. I also try hard to live in the present and not dwell on what has happened in the past because that gets really overwhelming really quickly. Anyway, yeah I know what you're going through is really really tough. And a partner without OCD will have a really hard time understanding what is going on. The best advise I have is to be patient with yourself, forgive yourself, try to live in today and not yesterday. Good luck!!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

i understand this completely. you are not alone!!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey there, ik its rly scary and challenging! I have struggled with these thoughts before. I was in a crash state like this about a year and a half ago - crying most nights about it. It would be the first thing i thought about waking up and the last thing i thought of while going to bed. I broke it off with my partner because i was tired of being so tired. But that didn’t necessarily make the thoughts about staying or going go away. After working on trusting myself for a couple months and providing myself soo many affirmations and resources.. my nervous system eased up and my attachment system got a chance to reset. We ended up getting back together a year ago, once i was in a sturdier headspace i was able to see my relationship as a supportive space i wanted to be a prt of. While i still struggle with rocd... its not nearly close to where it was during that crunchy period! So what im trying to say is, keep hanging in there! Your experiences will encourage you to become more resourced for urself + those u love if u let them. Dont be afraid to ask for reassurance or space etc. as u navigate ur healing process. You got this!

Username: mjn2507mjn2507

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel the exact same way. I am here with you

Username: sofie_

Date posted: 2y ago

so i dont really know where to start this off other than saying I haven’t been diagnosed with ROCD but it’s the only label I can associate with. For the past two weeks I’ve felt extremely anxious and keep thinking “What if I’m using my boyfriend?” Or “what if I just see him as a friend and not my boyfriend?” Or “he deserves someone who truly loves him” even though I know deep down I love him. we’ve been dating for a month and these thoughts just started occurring two weeks ago and it pushed me into a mental drought where I couldn’t eat, focus, and I lost the motivation to do a lot. it’ll get so bad where I just wish I was back to my normal happy self but then my brain questions whether I was ever truly happy or just lying. I feel like a terrible girlfriend and Ive communicated to him that I haven’t been feeling the best mentally and I’ve reminded him that if he ever wanted to end things, he has every right to but when I tell him those things, my brain immediately says that I’m just saying those things so he can break up with me so I don’t have to feel guilty about breaking up with him. But I don’t want to break up with him. I don’t know what to do anymore and it all feels so hopeless

Relationship OCD

Username: Leenabean25

Date posted: 1y ago

I don’t know how to love my boyfriend

Over a year together with him, and I’ve just recently learned that I have relationship OCD and perfectionist OCD. We talked about it, but I can sense it breaking his heart when I tell him that I cycle between wanting to marry him to breaking up over and over everyday. Constantly evaluating every word or action of his, what shirt he wears that day, how he brushed his hair, what he ate for lunch, who he talked to, what he spent money on, etc any of these things can trigger me into an episode of intrusive thoughts about him not being the one, he’s wrong for me, I’m trapped, I need to get out. It can also swing the other way to me feeling an impulse to go to the courthouse and get married right there. I know that I love him, I always desire to spend time with him; and I picture my future with him in it. He’s such a wonderful person. I don’t know how to stop this emotional rollercoaster my mind straps me into everyday. I just want to be in love and feel secure. How will I ever get married with all of these doubts attacking me everyday?? I can’t stop myself from constantly lecturing him on his flaws and what he needs to change for me to love him more consistently. I feel like a cold and evil person. Will I ever have clarity? Is he really as flawed as I think he is or am I sabotaging the best thing in my life?

Username: sofiarenee

Date posted: 1y ago

thoughts feels so real and now im confused…

everyday i wake up anxious and my thoughts/doubts just come rushing at me as soon as i wake up. its very hard to get myself to calm down. my rocd has been flaring up so bad lately and its very debiliating. i keep getting thoughts like “youre only with your boyfriend because youre lonely” “you dont actually love him” “you dont want to be with him” and its very scary because my fear of the future makes me worry about stuff like “do i even want to get married or have kids?” when i think of a future with him i get very scared just because i don’t want to grow up and become a real adult yknow? and i think that triggers my rocd and is what gives me those thoughts like “what if you dont really love him”. these thoughts are just coming up 24/7 and it’s so hard to ignore them. i dont know what to do. i feel like it’s getting my actual feelings confused. when i tell him i love him i feel like i’m lying to him, but at the same time i’m not? i don’t know!!!! i’ve been crying about this all morning. 0/10 day so far. i seriously don’t know what to do and i just feel so stuck. can anyone else relate? any advice? :(

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i feel like such a bad boyfriend

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