I keep crying can anyone talk rn pls

@JordTheNord I posted a couple hours before this and I’m just scared on what I’m going through isn’t OCD

@wiki_xo It’s about my bestfriends fiancé . I’m so scared and I feel disgusting for even thinking this way. Bc what I’m feeling doesn’t feel like OCD. Basically my brain is trying to tell me that I want my best friends fiancé. All I know is that I remember when we both first met him I did think he was cute and I stayed away because I knew my best friend wanted him. This was like three years ago, fast forward to today I am in a loving relationship with my own boyfriend. I’m literally sweating bc it’s making me scared that I want to ruin my relationship and my best friends relationship, which I would never do. I love my bestfriend and I love my boyfriend. Each time I do a compulsion it doesn’t work, and I’m scared bc it doesn’t feel like ocd. Im scared that I’m not anxious enough, and this all literally came out of no where. I keep telling myself that he’s literally my best friends fiancé, he’s a cheater (he cheated on my bestfriend), he’s gross etc. and none of it is working it’s like my brain doesn’t listen to logic at all and I’m scared that if I just let it be that I’m going to do something. Please help. I know I’ve been posting on here more than usual but idk what the fuck is going on.

@wiki_xo & I distinctly remember id get intrusive thoughts about him in the beginning of my relationship and they would come and go, and then when my friend broke up with him the first time I remember being extremely relieved bc then I wouldn’t get anymore intrusive thoughts about him.

@Rachel2727 Are you in a relationship too?

@wiki_xo No I’m not but I was when she was like somewhat first dating him

@wiki_xo Well that sounds very much like OCD. Your OCD is making it feel like you forgot about your bf because it’s constantly ruminating your fear (wanting your best friends fiancé). WHICH you don’t. OCD is basically our “doubting disorder”. It goes after our identity and comes up with ways to constantly argue against us to doubt our true selves. Which is normal for us. So you are not alone in how these thoughts are making you feel and the fact they keep coming up even out of nowhere. You a very loyal and loving partner and a great best friend which is why all your intrusive thoughts attack those points. The party was most likely a trigger even if it was right away. Also, when you feel you’re not anxious about the intrusive thoughts anymore which is understandable why you think it’s more real is actually a part of OCD healing. It’s called a “back door spike”. It’s when we are getting more comfortable with our intrusive thoughts and not taking them seriously and then a thought comes up “since I don’t feel anxious or bad about it does that mean it’s actually true?” And then the panic and ruminating start again. All that is showing is that you are getting better and this is natural to feel this way when healing our OCD. You are just and or have gotten use to the fact that it is 100% not you and the intrusive thought of your comfortability with it has just made you feel like you regressed but it is common! You can always practice getting comfortable with the uncertainty of your thoughts to help. “I believe this to be an intrusive thought, I’m not a 100% but I’m going with it”. Uncertainty really feeds our OCD. Remembering that you have handled your OCD in the past and it’s just trying new avenues. And of course there’s always therapy and ERP. Just remember when you get these thoughts that they’re just thoughts attacking who you are. Breath through them and work the emotion (sit with it) because it does and did for you go away. This will help reinforce we don’t need to engage with those kinds of thoughts. So we can keep being the great ppl that we are.

@JordTheNord It’s just scaring me even more because it makes me feel like I do want it, and I literally don’t know how to be okay with this feeling.

@wiki_xo Yes it scares you because you don’t want that but the OCD is making you think that. Now you can rebuttal with “what if it’s not OCD?” But you can question EVERYTHING at any given time. It’s so easy for us to destroy than to maintain/create. That’s why it’s so easy for us to spiral. I completely understand your fear. Been there ruminated that lol. You just need to keep telling yourself it’s just a thought. Even though it feels real it has gone away and you feel great right? Just because it’s back doesn’t mean it’s true or you actually want it to manifest. It’s just our thoughts. This is super common for a lot of ppl that have OCD and it’s even common throughout all types even though the context of the situation isn’t the same but the “what if it’s real, what if I’m this bad person or want this to happen”. Also what helped me is when these thoughts come and it does feel terrible to tell myself that. Hey these thoughts have come and gone and when they are not there HELL TO THE NO I do not want any of what the thought we proposing. Doesn’t even match my ideals or behavior. So when they just fill my head and it makes me doubt myself I just say “ok they’re back, cool, yea this sucks, they’ll go away like they always have done before, I can call out what the thoughts are going to say (make fun of them), and then I try to just focus or do things to make me happy even if it’s a struggle”. Over time they really have slowed down and have not been as intense like they use to be.

@JordTheNord What about the guilt and the compulsions that aren’t working anymore? I don’t even have that initial instinct to keep saying “I want my boyfriend” anymore which makes it feel even more real. I’m sorry for spamming but I really do appreciate you’re input and need someone to talk to about this.

@wiki_xo We try to get away from our compulsions. Our compulsions are our crutches. You know you want you boyfriend even if you don’t say that correct? At anytime you do want your boyfriend even if he’s not in your mind. Haven’t thought about my dad today but I love him and care about him. He just didn’t pop in my head or I didn’t have any contact with him. That’s all. Thanks for the apology but no need to apologize! 1) I offered to help 2) safe space and I want you to get it all out. You’re totally fine 😊