Need advice

Hocd has tortured me for sure with all these confusing symptoms. It started with thoughts and images, those turned into urges and feelings like I want the thoughts or want to be gay, then came false attractions. The realness of everything is so crazy to me, like how could a disorder possibly do this to a person. While these symptoms drove me crazy, I have gotten better and have learned to accept some of the symptoms. The false attractions and urges still get me a lot but there’s been slight improvement. I’m just trying to figure out my next step is. Since I’ve dealt with this for so long my libido and attraction to women is very minimal which scares me. I guess I just don’t know how to get back to how I used to feel, we’re liking a girl just came natural and there was no questioning about it. I feel so unproductive because I’m constantly trying to figure out this unawnsered question in my head. I play college football and it’s so tough for me to stay focused during film and practice because I feel like I need to focus on the hocd. My hocd makes me notice everyone on the team and it drives me crazy. I was always very confidently straight growing up and had good sexual relationships with girls I dated, so this constant fear of my sexuality just changing still terrifies me. I just don’t know how to disregard these symptoms that make the hocd feel like it’s my sexuality that’s changed permanently. Just kinda wanted to hear some peoples thoughts on this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Scott328

Date posted: 1y

Bro I’m right there with you. Literally the exact same thing I’ve been going through. I’ve had this theme resurface 3 times in my life so far. Once in High School, once on my LDS mission and now after I’ve been married for 5 years. One thing I’ve learned is that OCD is ruthless and it shows no mercy. I don’t do it so much anymore but when I initially had the most recent spike, my logical brain tried to prove to OCD that there was no threat and that I was always attracted to girls by reviewing passed experiences I’ve had with dating girls and how happy and good it made me feel. But none of that was good enough for the “doubting disorder”. It took all of those experiences, all those cherished memories, even my memory of me and my wife’s wedding day, and told me that I had been lying to myself and that none of the love and affection I felt for my wife or any of the girls I dated in my life was real. It will destroy anything you give it. It’s so hard to do, but try to remember that before doing a compulsion. Identify what your compulsions are, and don’t do them (that’s way harder than it sounds I know). You’re going to be ok though. It’s a tough battle, but just know that you’re not alone. Do the work, no matter how hard it is, and don’t let OCD control your life. Remember that YOU ARE FREE TO CHOOSE and that OCD can’t make you feel or do anything you don’t actually want to do. That’s what I tell myself on the bad days.

Mr.ocd

Date posted: 1y

Similar to @Scott328 this has been a repopping in my life but didnt stick until i hit around i was 25ish-26 i was dating a girl i loved and wanted to be with and i began to do cumpulsions like checking if i liked half naked men, good looking men in public checking my body responses. Then it latched on to a coworker i had and then covid hit. And my mind went on overdrive atm i didnt what was going on with me and why i couldnt trust myself and similar to you it went from images, thoughts, urges, feeling like i am gay even tho my whole life ive never been attracted to a man. Now similar to you what gets me is the false attractions. And throughout this time im now 31 it jumps from person to person and at this moment its latched on to a worker i had. What ive learned in terms for libido and attraction to woman is that when i am at my worst its really at its lowest i dont feel like having sex with a woman, or even care about looking at a women. Anxiety can do that to us it can screw us up in so many ways and our ocd teams up with anxiety and other cognitive distortions to get the best of us. But like i said im now 31 and its been about 4-5 years since i knew i had ocd and it took courage to admit i needed help and looking for help and to find the right help and started and ended therapy twice im on my third therapist and this time im planning to stick with it. You not alone the fear of a sudden change or for me its mostly im not being my "true self " i feel these things too. We got this... Even when everything is crazy

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@Mr.ocd Beautifully said🤝

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

geodrimilis

Date posted: 20w

I need this to end.

I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

geodrimilis

Date posted: 19w

Hocd is literally a clown in my head.

Like I can’t think straight. This is making me doubt everything I’ve thought about myself and even makes me feel like I like the thoughts when I know I don’t. Like I would be less anxious at a time while I still have the thoughts and my mind would go “oh so you like it you must be gay” or the other one where I’m not anxious and I think of my attraction for girls that I’ve had my whole life and my mind goes “see now you’re not into them you’re gay” like it’s so stupid but so effective. I clearly remember being into girls my whole life but my mind is making me believe that all these attractions and feelings for women were all fake or “a thing of the past”. But I can still get aroused by women but I have this weird anxiety going on which brings these sensations/feelings and it’s so weird. Today I’ve spent my whole day thinking about it like I’ve been doing for 5 months now. I know that this aint normal but my mind just won’t let me live in peace. I never cared about my sexuality cuz I simply liked women my whole life but now my sexuality is a fundamental philosophy. I hate this.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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