Need some advice

I think I've been going through what is POCD for some time now, but an old event a few months ago made it worse. I was playing an online game and noticed someone in the chat said "I want to say I love you but I shouldn't". I hadn't paid much attention to the actual context and thus decided to message back "just tell the damn man you love him", thinking that this other person was simply having a problem with saying "I love you" being gay. The other person responded with "So I guess you think it's okay to tell 16 y/o's you love them??". I froze up, unclear of how to respond, and could only respond with "guess that joke didn't fly well" All I can think about is how my intrusive thoughts added up to the situation and how I seemingly acted upon them, and that it was shameful for me to only notice this months later. I shouldn't have said anything but yet I just had to. I then quit playing all multiplayer games, and rescinded my former game wiki administration roles. I can't really move on and I keep worrying about what others would think of me if they found out what I said. It certainly hasn't made my senior year of high school any easier and I feel great distress whenever I have to interact with someone younger than me. I fear that any interaction I have is inappropriate, even if it's as simple as making eye contact or shaking hands after a tennis match. I also find trouble with scrolling through social media. It also sucks that I'm gay as well. I feel like the internal voice of "hey, that guy is cute" only fuels my anxiety as I then wonder "hey, that's somebody younger". I'm only 17, but I feel like I'm just an evil, irredeemable person. I worry even more that this is only the start. I don't want to be this person and it feels like I've lost all my morals and my moral compass has gone haywire. Trying to blame it on OCD seems like a copout but I don't know what to do. I wish I could go back and stop myself from saying anything.

Iryshe

Date posted: 1y

You were talking to one of your peers if you're only 17.

Rachel2727

Date posted: 1y

You’re not evil at all. That guy was 16 and you’re 17. That’s not bad I promise

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I read everything and you are not a bad person there's nothing wrong with what you did

drak4

Date posted: 1y

When you answered you did not know a context - so you done nothing bad. It seems you are really caring people who want to have good conduct and really fears pocd tl extreme. It is your mind wanna keep you safe, but you are already safe. You are not "that kind of person", ypu are total opposite as it shown by your worry and fear and being on OCD app. Treatment helps you not to worry so much about it. It seems you also really cares what others think about you. It is normal, but OCD can put these fears to extreme. You should not worry what others think, but focus how to live fully your life... there are many bad scenarious in our head related to societal rejection ane shame, but it is also OCD extreme fear game... you are included, loved, appreciated by this community and also you community... after going trought pure OCD i undeestant it is really important what I think about myself, not others...so i hope you will be free from OCD and worry

ghost

Date posted: 24w

Blurting things out loud (POCD and Real Event OCD)

i need some advice!! when i was 16, i was watching an anime and this character had abs and he was 12. i remember at the time (from what i can remember), i made a weird comment on his physique. saying things like “omg how did he become this buff haha.” and “oh im going to jail.” i even said “it’s only a 4 year difference.” like WHAT?!? just because it’s a 4 year difference, doesn’t make it okay. its WEIRD!! why would i say that? i also want to mention that i have a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself bc of my ADHD, so i tend to blurt things out. i just find it disturbing that i would have such thoughts, let alone say it out loud. i never had attraction to kids bc its immorally wrong and disgusting, but i feel no different from the ppl who would hurt children irl. I’ve tried forgive myself multiple times, but what i did is irredeemable. i feel like i am using my OCD as an excuse. i am so scared that i am a p, i want to d1e. my life is ruined.

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

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